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Fraternity Hazing Includes Hanging Out With Desmond

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By: Jack Hutsey LAWRENCE, KS The freshman pledge class of the Pi Omicron Gamma Fraternity knew there would be hazing, but nothing could’ve prepared them for what they have experienced in the past six weeks. Other fraternities on campus are famous for their embarrassing stunts like streaking nude through the library and asking Ms. Crobbins, the octogenarian librarian who always says yes, out on a date. However, the brothers of P.O.G. had a hazing ace up their sleeve that nobody was ready for. “Cleaning, getting yelled at, wall-sits, beer runs, picking people up,” P.O.G. house president Devin “Truck Nutz” Pfeifferberg…

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Man Rides Out Frog In Throat To Improbable Karaoke Win

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By: Ben Gauwitz ELBURN, IL—In a heroic display of stamina and heart, Mark Springer, 37, won Eddie Gaedel Pub’s karaoke contest last Thursday. Springer, known around Gaedel’s as “Dinger,” is a tall man, humble in appearance with no real singing ability or talent. Despite that, he was able to overcome these obstacles and win the three round tournament among a sizable field of eight. Springer advanced through the first round with a zealous offering of Queen’s “Somebody to Love.” According to the host of the competition, everyone advanced to the second round. “Usually, we have a higher turnout, but the…

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Cute Talking Raccoon Only Talks About Libertarian Party

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Get ready to wet your pants with excitement! There’s a talking Raccoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo!  The animal, affectionately named “Zippo”, has been dishing out smiles and wonder to visitors every day since his arrival two weeks ago. People just can’t seem to get enough of his cute furry face, his cute fuzzy tale, and his cute endorsement of the Libertarian Party! Zippo has only been here less than a month, but he’s already become one of the most popular attractions at the Lincoln Park Zoo. “He’s so adorable,” says Abigail, age 10. “He loves…

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Report: 81% Of Handjobs Unenthusiastic

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By: Jack Hutsey Cleveland, OH—Bored while getting cranked off? Bored while cranking someone off? You’re not alone. Just ask Dr. Ava Messerthal of Cleveland’s Institute of Blasting Rope, Paddling the Pink Canoe, and All-Around Self-Care, the world’s foremost masturbation research center. “Chances are, if you’ve given or received a handy jay in the past six years, you’ve been very unsatisfied,” Messerthal said, disappointed. “It’s a real shame. This country’s sexual revolution was built on handstuff at drive-in movies. It’s like being bored with the Bill of Rights.” Of the 500 participants surveyed, 405 reported their most recent tugboating was lukewarm.…

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Youths On Mission Trip Help African Village, Forget To Plug Christ

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By: Maxmilian Stolte BOLGATANGA, GHANA— After helping to provide clean water and food to impoverished villagers and build a school, a youth group of Texas missionaries from St. Joseph’s Church in Bryan, TX made the unforgivable mistake of going on their way without mentioning Jesus whatsoever. While their efforts and cultural influence will not be forgotten by the locals, the salvation of Jesus Christ will not be enjoyed by those who reaped the rewards of good deeds in His holy name. Taylor Robbins, 17, said she didn’t realize the error until they were at the airport. “I felt a great…

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Ben T Wood Comedy Festival [VIDEO]

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Chicago’s premiere music festival, Ben T Wood Comedy Festival, has all of your favorite names in comedy and networking opportunities galore! Check out the vapotorium in the DSW parking lot or the world’s largest game of zip zap zop!

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Shame: This Fetus Would’ve Been Subway’s Two-Billionth Customer If It Weren’t Aborted

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By: Nicholas Anthony Scutti If you’re pro-life, get those tissues out and ready. It was announced a few hours ago that a three month old fetus, the one who would’ve been Subway’s two-billionth customer, was aborted, never to develop to full term to know what a Subway sandwich would taste like. The fetus, who would’ve been named Tommy (or Sandra if it was a girl), was destined from the beginning of time to be crowned as Subway’s two billionth customer while ordering a Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt in 2047. But thanks to a seven-to-two majority from the godless Supreme Court…

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Fearless Council Of Male Comedians Forgive Louis C.K.

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By: Allie Rubin A group of brave, handsome male comedians convened a press conference following Louis C.K.’s surprise stand-up set at the Comedy Cellar on Monday to announce that they had finally deemed the comedian, 50, worthy of their forgiveness. “Too long has the world been deprived of Louis C.K.’s unique voice,” announced Josh Robertson, 28, who performs on the all-male Chicago indie improv team ‘Prostitots.’ “We believe that Louis’s nine months spent traveling in Europe have been adequate punishment for his minor indiscretions. We have carefully considered the situation and are thrilled to announce, on behalf of all male…

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Southwest To Replace Seats With Passengers

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By: Jack Hutsey DALLAS, TX—Southwest plans to roll out new, consumer-friendly seating: other paying customers. The new seats will have all the accoutrements of previous Southwest seats: cushions, armrests, and plenty of legroom. These new models have the new feature of bad breath and souls. “We heard our customers loud and clear,” Harriet Plough, Southwest Public Relations Director, said. “What is more comfortable and comforting than the touch of another human being? A gentle caress. Brushing up against you. Letting you know it’s going to be okay.” Wanna Get Away passengers will have open seating on whatever passenger isn’t occupied.…

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