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5 Picturesque Zip Lines That Will Bust Your Hymen

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By: Josie Benedetti Sick of the cold and showing your visible signs of virginity? These 5 picturesque zip line attractions will get you out of your winter hibernation mindset and take your v-card all in one fell swoop. The Gravity Canyon in Taihape, New Zealand will break that vaginal membrane open like a middle schooler using a tampon for the first time.   There’s nothing like the rush of flying 328 feet above the Cambodian jungle, knowing that you’re finally a woman.   Your gynecologist won’t believe how tan you look after coming back from Mexico with a new sense…

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Eight Ways To Spell Hanukkah To Keep Gentiles On Their Toes

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By: Zack Peercy It’s that magical time of year again! The eight day holiday when goyim and shiksas litter our social media with poorly spelled seasons greetings. It can be a real test of the Jewish faith. Is the correct spelling of a holiday really so much to ask? This year, let’s have some fun. Here are eight ways to spell Hanukkah to confuse your non-Jewish friends. Monica: “The One With The Celebration of Lights.” Convince your Christmas-loving cohorts that it’s actually spelled “Monica” after Courtney Cox’s character from Friends. She was only half-Jewish on the show, but she was…

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Man Carefully Prepares Week Worth Of Meals To Throw In Garbage On Saturday

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By: Jake Dierksheide Chicago, IL — Diligently dividing up portions of a Kale Pesto Pasta into individual pyrex containers, Jack Davis produces 5 homemade lunches for his 9-5 work week, all of which destined to be thrown into the garbage the following weekend. “I’m really trying to push myself to eat healthier and spend less money on food,” claimed Jack on Sunday evening. This was one day before he would determine himself deserving of a Chipotle burrito bowl for, “making it through Monday morning,” implicitly deciding to bring his unappealing home cooking back with home to him. “It’s so easy…

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Disney Movies Used To Be…Cartoons?

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By: Zack Peercy Okay, people. This may seem a little crazy, but the Word Brothel team did some digging and it turns out that that all of the Disney Movies we know and love (Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Jungle Book, Alice in Wonderland, the list goes on!) were all… cartoons? Like really old flat cartoons? From like the 80s or something? We’re all surprised too! I mean, when you think of Cinderella, obviously you think of Lily James. But apparently back in 1950, during the great depression or whatever, this random lady named Ilene Woods was the “voice”…

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5 Celebrity Beards To Ovulate All Over

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By: Josie Benedetti Winter is coming and so are we. Beards are back in season and as these sexy celebs cover their baby faces, we’re uncovering our deep biological need to have their babies! John Krasinski’s scruffy look from ‘A Quiet Place’ is making us scream! Nothing says ‘stable father figure’ like a man who can rock an Eddie Bauer sweater and tend to a quaint post-apocalyptic farm, plus you know he’ll stick around to make you breakfast in the morning! I, for one, will take these eggs with a side of fresh, hot sperm!   They say the human…

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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

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By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face…

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Roseanne Barr To Reprise Racist ‘Character’ At Thanksgivings This Week

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By: Andy Frye The once-embattled 1980s comedienne Roseanne Barr is about to make a name for herself again. Hoping to capitalize on America’s rising family drama trends, and the very popular “Trump supporter relative” stock role at Thanksgiving last year, Barr has decided to embark on a nationwide tour this week to bring her controversial brand of humor directly to your family’s dinner table. Barr announced the tour this week, stating publicly, “C U at dinner, bitches!” while calling herself “Aunt Ambien” and “Tofurky liberals’ worst nightmare” via her Twitter account. Ms. Barr’s agent, Anson Heedler, says that former star…

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Report: Shelter Must Have Been Out Of All Other Dogs

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By: Jake Dierksheide Citing the dog’s “disgusting face” and “sheer quantity of fluid output”, researchers at the University of Illinois have come to the conclusion that there is no possible way that any other dogs were available at PAWS the day that Mark and Jennifer adopted their new pet. The team of graduate students spent the afternoon of November 14th observing Ingrid, the name already given to the Bull Terrier/Bulldog mix at the time of adoption, in the hopes of discovering what possible hidden charm this nauseating excuse for one of God’s creations could hold. Ingrid spent much of that…

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Cat Walks Across Keyboard, Discovers Cold Fusion

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By: Ross Childs SANTA FE, NM—The scientific community was rocked to its core today after a viable formula for cold fusion energy was produced by a house cat. Cold fusion is the idea of creating and maintaining a stable nuclear reaction at or near room temperature, and was considered purely hypothetical, though that could change with this discovery. The cat, an American Shorthair named Miss Floofy, walked across the keyboard of her caretaker’s computer while he was “taking a bitchin’ weed nap.” The animal wrote out the scientific breakthrough in an already open Google Doc titled, “Tennis, But Everyone’s Baked”.…

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