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World’s Smartest Dog Uses Utensils To Eat Garbage

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By: Jack Ritchey SCHAUMBURG, IL – This week researchers at the American Veterinary Medical Association concluded a ten-billion dollar study on the intelligence of the domesticated canine. Tests were conducted on several leading dogs for language skills, cognitive reasoning, and ability to determine if an owner was gone forever after leaving the house. And at the end of the study, 11 year-old Guffman was found to be the world’s smartest dog. In a presentation of the animal’s superior intellect, the press got to watch as the short-eared basset used a napkin and successfully manipulated a fork and knife to eat…

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Teeth Whitening Effects Wasted On Sad Woman Who Never Smiles

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By: Maximilian Stolte Milwaukee, WI—Mary Pratt, 33, began a 30-day teeth whitening regimen that is entering its 28th day. At the beginning of her smile’s transformation, she had noticed significant difference in the shades of whiteness on her teeth in the mirror. Unfortunately she never got to share her glorious results with the world because she is so severely depressed that she never smiles. Her sadness is a mixture of regret and unfulfilled dreams that no confidence provided by oral hygiene could alleviate. No pearly white shine could erase the memories of Darryl and no grill, however ivory, could substitute…

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Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For Children Who Aren’t Her Favorite

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By: Mike Maxwell Skokie, IL—Siblings across America are bracing for their first true test of competitive affection in the calendar year with Mother’s Day fast approaching. Cynics have declared Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ but it is well known in the cul de sacs and high rises across our fine nation, that Mother’s Day was created by a favorite child sticking it to their siblings again. Those kids who are middle of the pack need to treat Mother’s Day like their first yoga class; show up looking the part, but don’t try too hard. There’s no coming back from that…

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FOX Cancels Happiness

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By: Zack Peercy Los Angeles, CA—Continuing the string of recent cancellations including Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Last Man on Earth, and The Mick, FOX has now cancelled Happiness after a brief broadcast between winter and mid-spring. Happiness popped up only a few weeks ago, when the sun began setting later and the weather warmed up. It seemed like everyone was talking about it: hipsters wearing New Coke t-shirts at outdoor cafes, your cool aunt smoking in the park, poets with published chapbooks walking their dogs, incessantly on their social media. Unfortunately, the uneducated swine at FOX, hellbent on destroying anything that gives…

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Turns Out Hitler Ruined Another Cool Symbol For Everybody

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By: Jason Elewski Braunau am Inn, Austria— Remember that cool pointy S that you loved to draw in middle school? As it turns out, Hitler loved to draw it too, you goddamn Nazi. Storage bidders in Austria, much like the stars of the A&E show Storage Wars, discovered a locker this weekend containing what appears to be family keepsakes previously owned by the parents of former Nazi frontman, Adolf Hitler. As if Hitler couldn’t be any more of a historic bummer, it appears he’s still harshing everyone’s vibe from beyond the grave. Discovered in a box labeled “Addie’s 5th grade…

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Indiana Changes State Motto To “Well Fuck You Too”

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By: Ross Childs INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Indiana State Legislatures have voted to change the official state motto from “The Crossroads of America” to “Well, Fuck You Too”. This decision came after a lengthy debate about how Indiana wishes to present itself to not only the rest of the United States. But to the rest of the world as well. State representatives felt that the new motto best represented Indiana and its citizenry. Many Indianians seem to be in total agreement. Governor Eric Holcomb commented on the change, “If we’re being honest, the old ‘Crossroads’ motto just never felt sincere. Crossroads…

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Can We Guess Which Pirates of the Caribbean Film You Lost Your Mouth Virginity To? [QUIZ]

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Can We Guess Which Pirates of the Caribbean Film You Lost Your Mouth Virginity To? By: Zack PeercyWe’ve all been there: fooling around with that guy who was really into the Pirates of the Caribbean films. Maybe you were in a movie theater, maybe it was just on TV in the background, but you definitely popped your mouth cherry to an installment in the Pirates franchise. And by answering these ten questions, we at Word Brothel can guess which one and what that says about you. Drink up me hearties, yo-ho!  Start Quiz Question Your answer: Correct answer: Next You…

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8 Ways To Fix Your Fragile Masculinity With Duct Tape

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By: Jennifer Allman 1. Tape your testicles and penis together to form MEGA MEMBER! Unlike your once-fragile male ego, Mega Member is unstoppable! Less susceptible to rogue groin punches and injuries from sports balls, Mega Member is the Optimus Prime of your genitalia. Grab 10-24 inches of duct tape (you know how much you’ll need) and wrap the boys up to finally live a care-free life! Nothing’s hurting your feelings or your junk, bruh. 2. Use duct tape to make fingerless gloves to protect your widdle hands from weak, feminine influences like antibacterial soap, hydrating hand lotion, and platonic hand-holding…

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