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Best Of Johnny Carson DVD Box Set Infomercial Tops Late Night Ratings

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By: Mike Anichini BURBANK, CA—There’s a new king of late night, baby. Nielsen ratings for the week of Nov. 12th reveal the paid advertisement featuring the ‘Best Of The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson’ DVD box set surged to the top in viewership, beating Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers and others.   “It’s hard, he’s still the king,” said Colbert. “This infomercial snuck up on us, but it rules.” Ticking up from its previous 0.51 to a 0.53 rating in adults 18-49, the long-running Time Life ad has captured a new audience in younger millennials ages 18-26.…

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Marvel Already Announcing Stan Lee Reboot

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By: Darren D. Daly Unwilling to let a franchise die, even in the midst of Stan Lee’s passing, Walt Disney subsidiary, Marvel Studios, has made a major announcement about the future of its biggest moneymaker. Rather than taking a minute to mourn, they have instead released a teaser poster for the reboot of the beloved creator of such iconic characters as Spider-Man, The Hulk, and Mr. Candelabra. Working under the title Stan Lee: Again, indie movie writer/director Bo Burnham has already penned the first draft of Lee that producers are predicting will be the year’s best source of money. President…

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Aliens, Yup, I’m Probably One Of Them

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LECHEROUS ADVICE Dear Lech: I’m worried that I may not belong on this planet. Will I ever fit in? –Alone Living In Essentially Nothingness Dear ALIEN: I’ve spent much of my life, from elementary school days, looking and wondering what else is there to this world. Magic, Alchemy, Physics, Telepathy, and you betcha Aliens from other planets. And why the hell not? No fool should believe we are all alone completely in this universe if one believes in statistical universal evolution. If you’re a believer in God, then maybe you answer this as we truly were and are special and only a…

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Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

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By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying…

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Succulent Dies Along With 29-Year-Old’s Hope Of Ever Becoming A Parent

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By: Josie Benedetti MANHATTAN, NY—Jillian Fogle, 29, who had been told that succulents were one of the hardest plants to kill, was devastated to find her impulsive succulent purchase molding, untouched, on top of her book shelf Monday morning. Fogle, who had been using the succulent to see if she was ready to finally have and raise a child on her own, Gilmore Girls style, commented, “I guess this is it. I don’t deserve children. I can’t even keep a fucking succulent alive. A FUCKING SUCCULENT!” Fogle said she had recently successfully hung out with a baby at a friend’s…

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Opinion: Beto Is Better For Texas. Take It From Me, A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-Rays

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By: A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-rays FORT WORTH, TX—For seven months now, I’ve been following the surging candidacy of Beto O’Rourke in the 2018 Texas Senate Race. What a ride. After talking to family, friends and neighbors, most of whom typically vote Republican, I now believe Beto to be the better candidate. Take it from me, a tried and true Longhorn conservative who hasn’t watched many films on Blu-ray. As someone who had a friend’s Netflix password early on, I began to consider moving on from Ted Cruz and the GOP. I didn’t think America should be…

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Doctor Strange’s Cloak To Be First Openly Gay Character In Marvel Cinematic Universe

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By: Allie Rubin LOS ANGELES, CA—Marvel Studios is further whetting fans’ appetites for the currently untitled fourth Avengers movie by promising that the film will feature the franchise’s first openly gay character: Dr. Strange’s cloak. “We previously assumed that gay people only liked musicals and Timothée Chalamet films,” confessed Kevin Feige, president of Marvel Studios, at a recent press conference. “However, new market research has revealed that homosexuals do indeed like all kinds of movies. As such, we are delighted to announce that the next Avengers film will feature Dr. Strange’s cloak as the MCU’s first openly gay character.” “For…

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Neighborhood Kids Find Treasure Map In Attic, Completely Miss Stack Of Porn

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By: Jack Ritchey PORTLAND, ME—The town of Portland Maine has seen several financial hardships over the past year. With many homeowners defaulting on loans, one developer threatens to tear down a residential stretch of the city’s east side and convert it into a Jimmy Buffet themed hotel. The town’s future looked pretty grim, but sources have confirmed this week that a group of neighborhood friends have found an old treasure map in Tommy Mueller’s attic and set out on a hunt, all talking over each other, anxious to follow the clues and find a hidden treasure that could save their…

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