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Man Desperately Searching For Life Lesson That Will End Body Swap With Henry Kissinger

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By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY– Famed former Secretary of State and geopolitical expert Henry Kissinger, 95, stunned reporters at a recent press conference by announcing that he had swapped bodies with Manhattan dentist Dr. Henry Richardson, 49, and was desperately trying to determine how to return to his own body. “Please – somebody has to call my wife. She doesn’t believe me,” Richardson croaked in the distinctive German accent of the architect of Cold War diplomacy. “Why is this happening?” Richardson expressed confusion as to why his consciousness had been transported into the corporeal form of the man who…

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“Please Don’t Judge My Book By Its Cover” Pleads Author Of ‘The Big Book of Infected Scabs’

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By: Jake Dierksheide MT. PLEASANT, SC – “Please come back, this is my life’s work!” begged Marvin Chumley to a small group of horrified consumers shuffling past his table at the Mt. Pleasant Barnes and Nobles. Chumley spent all of Wednesday July 1st at the store for a signing event to promote his new book, a catalog of all of the ooziest scabs he had personally seen in his life. The book, which features the grotesque reopened wound of 78-year-old Edna Lambert on its face, has been drawing massive criticism from all manner of B&N shoppers for being super gross.…

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New MoviePass Terms Mandate Polygraph, Urine Tests After Each Showing

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By: Jake Dierksheide NEW YORK, NY—In another controversial move, MoviePass updated their terms of service again on Monday. According to the press release from CEO Mitch Lowe: effective immediately all MoviePass users will be required to sit down for a 38-question interrogation while wired to a lie detector, as well as ship samples of blood and urine to MoviePass Headquarters for analysis. The company, which offers near-unlimited free movies to users for the price of one half of one movie a month, has been hemorrhaging money since striking mainstream popularity last fall. “I’ve finally cracked it!’ exclaimed a disheveled and…

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Dream Catcher Hanging From Rearview Mirror Perfect For When I Fall Asleep Driving

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By: Sandra Simpson SANTA FE, NM—My rearview mirror dream catcher isn’t just a hastily made gas station purchase, it’s a very important and culturally significant piece that is both spiritual and practical. Native Americans would hang these woven hoops with feathers and beads above their babies cradles to protect them from bad dreams. In keeping with that tradition, I put mine where I need it most, in my car where I fall asleep for moments at a time while driving. Maybe I should get more sleep, try caffeine, or even pull over at rest stops. The truth is I feel…

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Little Leaguer Signs With Team For Unprecedented 10-Pizza Party Deal

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By: Shelby Dollartree PARMA, OH—Allowing teams to court him for the past month, shortstop Tyler Garcia has set a new standard in the world of little league baseball. Receiving offers ranging from ice cream nights to post-game snack bags, he has finally signed with the Little Tigers for an unprecedented deal. “I thought and prayed on this for a long time and I had to admit to myself, my family, and my friends that I’m worth more than 1 or 2 pizza parties per season. I’m a 10-pizza party player,” said Garcia, 11, adding that he really likes pepperoni pizzas…

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Firefighters Call For Body Positive Calendar

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By: Josie Benedetti NEW YORK, NY—Firefighters across the country are on strike this week calling for a body positive calendar for the 2019/2020 calendar year. The nationwide strike has left city blocks burned to the ground, countless adorable kittens stuck helpless in nearby trees, and even talk of the wildly popular second Grey’s Anatomy spinoff “Station 19” in danger of not being brought back for a third season. Most disheartening of all is not the lack of identifiable bones from the piles which now line the streets but the lack of lady boners which have left piles of dry panties…

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Real Men Love Jesus, This Is Jesus

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By: Devin Nevers There are countless ways to discern what makes a guy a real man. Metrics like bench pressing, muskiness, and ball size are some of the easiest ways to separate the authentic from the fraudulent. But even if a guy with gigantic testicles comes strutting into your home gym and pulls  200 pounds of resistance weight on your Bowflex, it’s still quite possible that he isn’t a REAL man. The only way to tell if a dude is the real deal for sure is if he loves Jesus. It’s just a fact, real men love Jesus. They’re just…

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Gyms, They’re Not Just For Rats Anymore

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LECHEROUS ADVICE Dear Lech: I don’t feel like a gym person, but I want to get in shape. What do I do?  –Very Aggressive Girl In No Arena Dear VAGINA: Like most people, I sit on my machine/bench/what-have-you, and try not to stare and judge all the others at the gym working out around me. But it’s hard. Just like at a casino, concert, farmer’s market, or used car lot; you just can’t help but stare at the other freaks who also think this is the right time to get into it and come to a place like this. The difference…

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School Shootings Hit Record Low This Summer Despite Unchanged Gun Laws

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By: Harold Castle Washington D.C.—Amidst demonstrations from students demanding gun reform and an unwavering NRA funded GOP, the number of incidents involving guns in schools has dropped to almost zero this summer. While it’s too early to know exactly why this phenomena is happening, some lawmakers on Capitol Hill have a hunch it’s no coincidence. Arizona Senator John McCain attributes the decline to the rising temperatures. “When it’s nice outside everyone is happy. There’s no wonder we aren’t seeing mass shootings in schools this summer. I’m not saying climate change is real, but if it were would it be that…

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Light Yogurt Not Working As Substitution For Karen’s Existential Dread

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By: Josie Benedetti Chicago, IL— Administrative Assistant Karen Bundy was looking for something to eliminate the crushing weight of her meaningless existence and some of that pesky weight from her midsection. She found that Yoplait’s new light yogurt options left her still hungry for death and more high calorie snacks later in the day. Bundy was on her morning commute Tuesday when absolutely nothing in her monotonous life changed at all. Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported that Bundy arrived looking worn down, robotic in her movements, and had a general lack of life behind her cold, dead eyes. At lunch, Bundy…

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