A Tribute To All Those Killed By Pies On Pi Day, 2018

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By: Ross Childs

UNITED STATES — March 14. 3/14. Pi Day. It’s a day celebrated by Americans everywhere by consuming copious amounts of delicious pie of all kinds.  However, for many people, this jovial day is also they’re last on this Earth.  It is important, however, that those who have succumbed to the gluttony of the day are remembered with smiles and celebration.

In remembrance:

Jonathan Kramble, 41, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  Kramble was eating an apple cinnamon pie when he failed to chew a large bite properly. He choked for several hours but refused to stop eating the pie. By the time EMTs found him, his face was a deep blue, and the pie tin was completely clean.

Susan Spraghormich, 23, Las Vegas, Nevada.  While attending a raunchy bachelorette party at Hung Jury, the John Grisham-themed Male strip club, Spraghormich was going to town on a vagina-shaped cherry pie when she slipped on a loose dollar bill. She was impaled on an improperly fastened stripper pole, screaming “WOOO!” as she bled out over several minutes.

Flarvo Dominçek, 54, Springfield, Illinois.  Consumed eleven whole lemon meringue pies in 38 minutes. This one’s pretty obvious.

Jackson Flaxon Waxon, 36, Dallas, Texas. Accidentally ate a pregnant spider egg sack while wolfing down a Key Lime. The sack popped in his stomach and the spider babies ate him from the inside out.

Julietta Flarbosira, 76, Destin, Florida.  While she was baking a lovely strawberry rhubarb pie, some of her grandson’s meth was dropped into the mix.  The pie gained sentience, screamed, “THE PIE-VOLUTION HAS BEGUN,” and slit Mrs. Flarbisira’s throat from ear to ear.  The living desert then blew up her grandson’s meth lab before running away from the burning home.  The Strawberry Rhubarb is still at large.

George “Georgie-Boy” Georgeman, 39, Salem, Oregon.  Ate an entire New York-style Cheesecake in one sitting, knowing full-well that he had extreme lactose intolerance.  He farted himself to death in less than fifteen minutes.  And, yes, cheesecake is technically a pie.

BroZo The Douchebag Clown, age unknown, St. Louis, Missouri.  Died from severe blunt force trauma after taking an extreme Banana Cream pie to the face.  The pie had been tossed by former professional pitcher, Roger Clemmons, and had reached a speed of over 75 miles per hour before striking BroZo, completely demolishing his face in a cloud of blood, bone, and banana cream.  It was as horrific as it was hilarious.

Please remember these brave souls fondly as their lives have come full circle on this annual Pi Day.