Area Man Finally High Enough To Face Terrible World

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By: Maximilian Stolte

DENVER, CO—At the crack of noon today, Denver local Brett Markham woke up filled with dread about leaving his apartment to face the terrible things the day had in store for him. At roughly 12:25PM he had finished loading his bong bowl and took his first rip. The mellowing effect of the nugs, which were reportedly of the dankest quality, was a step in the right direction for Markham’s day.

After eating an Eggo waffle drenched in maple syrup and a cherry Pop-Tart, he set right to packing up his second bowl of highly potent sativa. The body high and heady haze that accompanied this bowl instilled a feeling of comfort and confidence with which he could meet the shitty day and everyone in it. It was after cashing the bowl and standing up from his couch that he decided he was high enough to leave the confines of his dwelling and venture into the shit-stained toilet that is the rest of society.

Before going to the bank and depositing a $138 paycheck to turn his account balance from a negative number to a positive one, he had to wait in the rain for a bus that was far from on schedule. Once on the bus, he unknowingly sat in what he would later hope was just chocolate. While a homeless man berated passengers and was on the verge of becoming physically violent, Markham was so high he barely felt nervous at all. Instead he thought, “What if there was a pizza made of dessert? Like the sauce is icing and he toppings are ice cream or sprinkles or m&ms and the crust is cookie dough.” He later recounted that he had just been thinking of a cookie cake.

With his errands complete, it was time to pay his utilities and restore electricity and water to his home. However, doing so would just create an environment of safety and comfort in his own living space that would, by contrast, make the world outside of it seem a lot shittier than before. The burden of that knowledge, according to a glazy-eyed Markham, was nothing a few dabs of shatter couldn’t fix.