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Word Brothel

Word Brothel has 278 articles published.

Light Yogurt Not Working As Substitution For Karen’s Existential Dread

By: Josie Benedetti Chicago, IL— Administrative Assistant Karen Bundy was looking for something to eliminate the crushing weight of her meaningless existence and some of that pesky weight from her midsection. She found that Yoplait’s new light yogurt options left her still hungry for death and more high calorie snacks later in the day. Bundy was on her morning commute Tuesday when absolutely nothing in her monotonous life changed at all. Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported that Bundy arrived looking worn down, robotic in her movements, and had a general lack of life behind her cold, dead eyes. At lunch, Bundy… Keep Reading

Jimmy John’s Reveals Gay Sandwich For Next Year’s Pride

By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—June is over, which marks an end to Pride Month, the nationwide celebration of the LGBTQ+ community, but sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is just getting started. Their social media team has just unveiled concept photos for their “Gay Sandwich” for Pride 2019 and all we have to say is YAS KWEEN. Jimmy John’s Facebook posted, “Hunty, our mouths are already watering!” Attached is a picture of the freshly made loaf of Rainbow Bread, a multicolored whole wheat loaf that appears to have specks of glitter throughout. The post also includes several tagged celebrities such as RuPaul,… Keep Reading

What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and… Keep Reading

Phish Plays 27 Minute National Anthem At Boston Red Sox Game

By: Maximilian Stolte BOSTON, MA—Yesterday the Red Sox played the Angels and Phish phans everywhere rejoiced as the band was in attendance to watch the team and perform their rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, or for newbs to the music scene, “The National Anthem”. The crowd was both perplexed and upset when the cover of this beloved song not only included heavy improvisation on guitar, a 3 minute drum solo, an a cappella section, and the use of a vacuum cleaner as an instrument, but also lasted 27 minutes. Music and baseball fans alike agreed that the jam band… Keep Reading

Presidential Portrait Restorer Loses Soul Staring Into Eyes Of William McKinley

By: Jack Ritchey WASHINGTON D.C.— Since 1910 the ghastly visage of former President William McKinley has loomed ominously over the third floor of the Library of Congress in Washington DC. While he was alive, McKinley was so feared for his tyrannical and unholy leadership, like maintaining the gold standard and supporting the “Dingley Tariff”, that he had to be murdered by an anarchist, and his tortured spector was forever entombed inside his official portrait as a means of protecting humanity from his unyielding terror. Tour groups are forbidden from passing by and employees of the Library are under strict guidelines… Keep Reading

Identity Thief With Heart Of Gold Pays Debt, Gets Promotion, Brings Wife To Orgasm For Victim

By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—Local stock broker Jeff Martins fell victim to identity theft two months ago after entering his credit card information into an online subscription service that was nothing if not suspect. As a wealthy man who keeps track of his personal spending, he has admittedly never kept regular tabs on his personal finances. His identity was stolen by a man who police have identified as Paul Parker, a career swindler with a heart of gold. Perhaps in filling his philanthropy quota, Parker did Martins a solid and significantly improved his life through identity theft. After obtaining his… Keep Reading

Logan Square Artist Explodes After Failing To Mention Gallery Every Ten Minutes

By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Tragedy descended upon Logan Square today as local artist, Robrick Lovebridge, burst into a cloud of pink mist after going more than ten minutes without mentioning his latest art gallery. Lovebridge, born Krendall Flerbidge, is a self-proclaimed “master performance artist” who recently opened a performance art gallery in the empty guest room of his friend’s apartment above a coffee aerosol bar. The gallery, titled “Wander-ful Strife” featured Lovebridge brushing his teeth with a buck knife while humming the South African National Anthem, with his roommate eating popcorn from a trash bag. Since opening the gallery one… Keep Reading

Hot Singles In Your Area Cease Ineffective Ad Campaign

By: Zack Peercy YOUR AREA, USA—You’ve seen it in the top right corner of your browser while you watch “Step Sis Catches You Watching Porn”. It’s popped up after you’ve skipped around “Gaping Anal Compilation”. You may have even noticed it in your youth while playing “Sailor Moon Dress Up Flash Game” on Newgrounds.com. It’s the Hot Singles In Your Area ad campaign, and soon you won’t be able to see it pop up ever again. It’s a sad day for the internet, but even more sad for real local singles who wanted nothing more than to meet you and… Keep Reading

Report: 97% Of Dads Say That’ll Do The Trick

WASHINGTON D.C.— According to the most recent U.S. census, the American Fatherhood population remains at 70.1 million. Recent polling has given insight that in a nearly unanimous level of support, that 97% of dads say that’ll do the trick. Whether they’re needed to fix, jimmy, hang, or other fish to fry, dads from bloody ol’ London to Mumbai and back to the dirt roads of Mississippi know the knockout punch to every kid’s demands. Throughout 2018, Americans have been searching for intel on a bevy of life’s trials and tribulations. The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse noted that on a daily… Keep Reading

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