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Word Brothel has 334 articles published.

Man In Urban Pipeline MaxFlex Cargo Shorts Finally Dies Of Exposure

By: Zack Peercy LANSING, MI—Blake DeWitt, 24, finally died last night on his way home from an early friendsgiving party to which he wore a Hawaiian shirt and Urban Pipeline’s new and affordable MaxFlex cargo shorts. You should not miss Blake, because he was always going around at every party being like, “I’m not even cold!” just like you should not miss Kohl’s upcoming Summer Savers Sale on items like Men’s Urban Pipeline MaxFlex cargo shorts. Wearing any Urban Pipeline brand shorts in the middle of winter was DeWitt’s “thing” that got him noticed at parties. He’d walk through the… Keep Reading

Brave Pedestrian Trio Stays Side by Side Despite Passerby

By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—On N Western Avenue today near Welles Park in the Lincoln Square area of Northern Chicago, three brave friends, deep in positive discussion of recent Hollywood blockbuster Venom, refused to break formation for a fellow pedestrian coming in the opposite direction. The unknown intruder was forced off the sidewalk and into the busy street to get around the group. Not since Rosa Parks’s iconic refusal to give up her seat has such a powerful statement of human rights been made. The three men, Matt C., Jordan, and Matt F., were happy with, but not surprised by,… Keep Reading

Best Of Johnny Carson DVD Box Set Infomercial Tops Late Night Ratings

By: Mike Anichini BURBANK, CA—There’s a new king of late night, baby. Nielsen ratings for the week of Nov. 12th reveal the paid advertisement featuring the ‘Best Of The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson’ DVD box set surged to the top in viewership, beating Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers and others.   “It’s hard, he’s still the king,” said Colbert. “This infomercial snuck up on us, but it rules.” Ticking up from its previous 0.51 to a 0.53 rating in adults 18-49, the long-running Time Life ad has captured a new audience in younger millennials ages 18-26.… Keep Reading

Marvel Already Announcing Stan Lee Reboot

By: Darren D. Daly Unwilling to let a franchise die, even in the midst of Stan Lee’s passing, Walt Disney subsidiary, Marvel Studios, has made a major announcement about the future of its biggest moneymaker. Rather than taking a minute to mourn, they have instead released a teaser poster for the reboot of the beloved creator of such iconic characters as Spider-Man, The Hulk, and Mr. Candelabra. Working under the title Stan Lee: Again, indie movie writer/director Bo Burnham has already penned the first draft of Lee that producers are predicting will be the year’s best source of money. President… Keep Reading

Aliens, Yup, I’m Probably One Of Them

LECHEROUS ADVICE Dear Lech: I’m worried that I may not belong on this planet. Will I ever fit in? –Alone Living In Essentially Nothingness Dear ALIEN: I’ve spent much of my life, from elementary school days, looking and wondering what else is there to this world. Magic, Alchemy, Physics, Telepathy, and you betcha Aliens from other planets. And why the hell not? No fool should believe we are all alone completely in this universe if one believes in statistical universal evolution. If you’re a believer in God, then maybe you answer this as we truly were and are special and only a… Keep Reading

Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying… Keep Reading

Succulent Dies Along With 29-Year-Old’s Hope Of Ever Becoming A Parent

By: Josie Benedetti MANHATTAN, NY—Jillian Fogle, 29, who had been told that succulents were one of the hardest plants to kill, was devastated to find her impulsive succulent purchase molding, untouched, on top of her book shelf Monday morning. Fogle, who had been using the succulent to see if she was ready to finally have and raise a child on her own, Gilmore Girls style, commented, “I guess this is it. I don’t deserve children. I can’t even keep a fucking succulent alive. A FUCKING SUCCULENT!” Fogle said she had recently successfully hung out with a baby at a friend’s… Keep Reading

Opinion: Beto Is Better For Texas. Take It From Me, A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-Rays

By: A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-rays FORT WORTH, TX—For seven months now, I’ve been following the surging candidacy of Beto O’Rourke in the 2018 Texas Senate Race. What a ride. After talking to family, friends and neighbors, most of whom typically vote Republican, I now believe Beto to be the better candidate. Take it from me, a tried and true Longhorn conservative who hasn’t watched many films on Blu-ray. As someone who had a friend’s Netflix password early on, I began to consider moving on from Ted Cruz and the GOP. I didn’t think America should be… Keep Reading

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