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Man Rides Out Frog In Throat To Improbable Karaoke Win

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By: Ben Gauwitz ELBURN, IL—In a heroic display of stamina and heart, Mark Springer, 37, won Eddie Gaedel Pub’s karaoke contest last Thursday. Springer, known around Gaedel’s as “Dinger,” is a tall man, humble in appearance with no real singing ability or talent. Despite that, he was able to overcome these obstacles and win the three round tournament among a sizable field of eight. Springer advanced through the first round with a zealous offering of Queen’s “Somebody to Love.” According to the host of the competition, everyone advanced to the second round. “Usually, we have a higher turnout, but the…

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Ben T Wood Comedy Festival [VIDEO]

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Chicago’s premiere music festival, Ben T Wood Comedy Festival, has all of your favorite names in comedy and networking opportunities galore! Check out the vapotorium in the DSW parking lot or the world’s largest game of zip zap zop!

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Fearless Council Of Male Comedians Forgive Louis C.K.

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By: Allie Rubin A group of brave, handsome male comedians convened a press conference following Louis C.K.’s surprise stand-up set at the Comedy Cellar on Monday to announce that they had finally deemed the comedian, 50, worthy of their forgiveness. “Too long has the world been deprived of Louis C.K.’s unique voice,” announced Josh Robertson, 28, who performs on the all-male Chicago indie improv team ‘Prostitots.’ “We believe that Louis’s nine months spent traveling in Europe have been adequate punishment for his minor indiscretions. We have carefully considered the situation and are thrilled to announce, on behalf of all male…

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Got ‘Em: Drumpf Must Resign After Improv Team Torches Him In Last Night’s Set

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By: Jack Hutsey CHICAGO, IL—Pack your shit, “President” Trump. We’d be surprised if Krumpf can even sit down after the scorching treatment Chicago improv troupe, Ben & Jerrymander, dished out in last night’s set. The veteran team of 24-year olds received the suggestion of “zucchini” and immediately went to work, drilling the Commander-in-Grief with wordplay and puns that would make William Shakespeare nut into a Dixie cup. “We were just on top of our game,” BJ Waters said. “I started a scene about gentrification, and J-Bone [Jacopo Dandelbaum] took it to a new place with his character, Cheeto Hands.” After…

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“Please Don’t Judge My Book By Its Cover” Pleads Author Of ‘The Big Book of Infected Scabs’

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By: Jake Dierksheide MT. PLEASANT, SC – “Please come back, this is my life’s work!” begged Marvin Chumley to a small group of horrified consumers shuffling past his table at the Mt. Pleasant Barnes and Nobles. Chumley spent all of Wednesday July 1st at the store for a signing event to promote his new book, a catalog of all of the ooziest scabs he had personally seen in his life. The book, which features the grotesque reopened wound of 78-year-old Edna Lambert on its face, has been drawing massive criticism from all manner of B&N shoppers for being super gross.…

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New MoviePass Terms Mandate Polygraph, Urine Tests After Each Showing

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By: Jake Dierksheide NEW YORK, NY—In another controversial move, MoviePass updated their terms of service again on Monday. According to the press release from CEO Mitch Lowe: effective immediately all MoviePass users will be required to sit down for a 38-question interrogation while wired to a lie detector, as well as ship samples of blood and urine to MoviePass Headquarters for analysis. The company, which offers near-unlimited free movies to users for the price of one half of one movie a month, has been hemorrhaging money since striking mainstream popularity last fall. “I’ve finally cracked it!’ exclaimed a disheveled and…

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Real Men Love Jesus, This Is Jesus

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By: Devin Nevers There are countless ways to discern what makes a guy a real man. Metrics like bench pressing, muskiness, and ball size are some of the easiest ways to separate the authentic from the fraudulent. But even if a guy with gigantic testicles comes strutting into your home gym and pulls  200 pounds of resistance weight on your Bowflex, it’s still quite possible that he isn’t a REAL man. The only way to tell if a dude is the real deal for sure is if he loves Jesus. It’s just a fact, real men love Jesus. They’re just…

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Phish Plays 27 Minute National Anthem At Boston Red Sox Game

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By: Maximilian Stolte BOSTON, MA—Yesterday the Red Sox played the Angels and Phish phans everywhere rejoiced as the band was in attendance to watch the team and perform their rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, or for newbs to the music scene, “The National Anthem”. The crowd was both perplexed and upset when the cover of this beloved song not only included heavy improvisation on guitar, a 3 minute drum solo, an a cappella section, and the use of a vacuum cleaner as an instrument, but also lasted 27 minutes. Music and baseball fans alike agreed that the jam band…

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Logan Square Artist Explodes After Failing To Mention Gallery Every Ten Minutes

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Tragedy descended upon Logan Square today as local artist, Robrick Lovebridge, burst into a cloud of pink mist after going more than ten minutes without mentioning his latest art gallery. Lovebridge, born Krendall Flerbidge, is a self-proclaimed “master performance artist” who recently opened a performance art gallery in the empty guest room of his friend’s apartment above a coffee aerosol bar. The gallery, titled “Wander-ful Strife” featured Lovebridge brushing his teeth with a buck knife while humming the South African National Anthem, with his roommate eating popcorn from a trash bag. Since opening the gallery one…

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Obituary: FACE, The Original Host Of Nick Jr., Dead At 51

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Dutifully written by: Patrick Webb The on-air mascot was found dead in his studio apartment in Van Nuys of an apparent, accidental overdose. Born and raised in Orlando, FL, FACE struggled as a working actor through the late 80’s and early 90’s doing the occasional regional theatre until booking his dream roll as the “face” of Nick Jr. in 1994. He starred in over 400 on-air promotions for the network until 2004 when he left the company to try to break into film. After losing the role of the titular lead in the 2008 film Hancock to Will Smith, FACE…

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