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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

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By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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Music Festival Lineup Confused For Grocery List

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By: Maximilian Stolte AUSTIN, TX—Local newlywed and avid concert attendee Matthew Puhr went to his neighborhood Save-A-Lot yesterday morning to provide sustenance to himself and his beautiful bride Alice. Armed with his new joint account debit card and what he thought was a grocery list from under a magnet on his fridge, he was ready to complete his first errand as a husband. It was only after several blank stares from employees that he realized he had mistaken a music festival lineup for his grocery list. “At first I thought it was kind of funny that Alice had put such…

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Kasvot Växt Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame

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By: Maximilian Stolte CLEVELAND, OH—After decades of living only in obscurity, Scandinavian prog rock band Kasvot Växt has earned their rightful place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Their recent surge in popularity can be credited partly to Phish, who covered their album (to the best of their ability) on Halloween in Las Vegas. However, it was sampling of and references to their songs in Kanye West, Ariana Grande, and Post Malone tracks that catapulted the band to becoming a household name in recent years. For Lincolnville, Maine selectman and muumuu wearing percussionist Jon Fishman, this was a…

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5 Picturesque Zip Lines That Will Bust Your Hymen

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By: Josie Benedetti Sick of the cold and showing your visible signs of virginity? These 5 picturesque zip line attractions will get you out of your winter hibernation mindset and take your v-card all in one fell swoop. The Gravity Canyon in Taihape, New Zealand will break that vaginal membrane open like a middle schooler using a tampon for the first time.   There’s nothing like the rush of flying 328 feet above the Cambodian jungle, knowing that you’re finally a woman.   Your gynecologist won’t believe how tan you look after coming back from Mexico with a new sense…

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Disney Movies Used To Be…Cartoons?

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By: Zack Peercy Okay, people. This may seem a little crazy, but the Word Brothel team did some digging and it turns out that that all of the Disney Movies we know and love (Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Jungle Book, Alice in Wonderland, the list goes on!) were all… cartoons? Like really old flat cartoons? From like the 80s or something? We’re all surprised too! I mean, when you think of Cinderella, obviously you think of Lily James. But apparently back in 1950, during the great depression or whatever, this random lady named Ilene Woods was the “voice”…

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5 Celebrity Beards To Ovulate All Over

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By: Josie Benedetti Winter is coming and so are we. Beards are back in season and as these sexy celebs cover their baby faces, we’re uncovering our deep biological need to have their babies! John Krasinski’s scruffy look from ‘A Quiet Place’ is making us scream! Nothing says ‘stable father figure’ like a man who can rock an Eddie Bauer sweater and tend to a quaint post-apocalyptic farm, plus you know he’ll stick around to make you breakfast in the morning! I, for one, will take these eggs with a side of fresh, hot sperm!   They say the human…

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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

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By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face…

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Roseanne Barr To Reprise Racist ‘Character’ At Thanksgivings This Week

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By: Andy Frye The once-embattled 1980s comedienne Roseanne Barr is about to make a name for herself again. Hoping to capitalize on America’s rising family drama trends, and the very popular “Trump supporter relative” stock role at Thanksgiving last year, Barr has decided to embark on a nationwide tour this week to bring her controversial brand of humor directly to your family’s dinner table. Barr announced the tour this week, stating publicly, “C U at dinner, bitches!” while calling herself “Aunt Ambien” and “Tofurky liberals’ worst nightmare” via her Twitter account. Ms. Barr’s agent, Anson Heedler, says that former star…

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Best Of Johnny Carson DVD Box Set Infomercial Tops Late Night Ratings

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By: Mike Anichini BURBANK, CA—There’s a new king of late night, baby. Nielsen ratings for the week of Nov. 12th reveal the paid advertisement featuring the ‘Best Of The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson’ DVD box set surged to the top in viewership, beating Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers and others.   “It’s hard, he’s still the king,” said Colbert. “This infomercial snuck up on us, but it rules.” Ticking up from its previous 0.51 to a 0.53 rating in adults 18-49, the long-running Time Life ad has captured a new audience in younger millennials ages 18-26.…

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Marvel Already Announcing Stan Lee Reboot

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By: Darren D. Daly Unwilling to let a franchise die, even in the midst of Stan Lee’s passing, Walt Disney subsidiary, Marvel Studios, has made a major announcement about the future of its biggest moneymaker. Rather than taking a minute to mourn, they have instead released a teaser poster for the reboot of the beloved creator of such iconic characters as Spider-Man, The Hulk, and Mr. Candelabra. Working under the title Stan Lee: Again, indie movie writer/director Bo Burnham has already penned the first draft of Lee that producers are predicting will be the year’s best source of money. President…

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