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Music Festival Lineup Confused For Grocery List

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By: Maximilian Stolte AUSTIN, TX—Local newlywed and avid concert attendee Matthew Puhr went to his neighborhood Save-A-Lot yesterday morning to provide sustenance to himself and his beautiful bride Alice. Armed with his new joint account debit card and what he thought was a grocery list from under a magnet on his fridge, he was ready to complete his first errand as a husband. It was only after several blank stares from employees that he realized he had mistaken a music festival lineup for his grocery list. “At first I thought it was kind of funny that Alice had put such…

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Kasvot Växt Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame

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By: Maximilian Stolte CLEVELAND, OH—After decades of living only in obscurity, Scandinavian prog rock band Kasvot Växt has earned their rightful place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Their recent surge in popularity can be credited partly to Phish, who covered their album (to the best of their ability) on Halloween in Las Vegas. However, it was sampling of and references to their songs in Kanye West, Ariana Grande, and Post Malone tracks that catapulted the band to becoming a household name in recent years. For Lincolnville, Maine selectman and muumuu wearing percussionist Jon Fishman, this was a…

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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

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By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face…

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Guy Singing Meatloaf At Karaoke Might Actually Be Meatloaf

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By: Jack Hutsey EDWARDSVILLE, IL—Chatters Bar and Grill in Edwardsville, IL has been the home of “Conceal and Karaoke” Thursdays for the past eight years. Patrons run the gamut of typical karaoke songs from Whitney Houston to Journey to Taylor Swift to the occasional Radiohead (Jeremiah Wheatley absolutely slays Paranoid Android). This past Thursday, the Chatters crowd was served with something categorically different. “Some guy was up there. He did a decent job with ​Paradise by the Dashboard Light​,” Ann Krankenheit said, who usually sticks to falsetto Beyonce. “But then he just stayed up there.” The mystery singer sang five…

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Man Rides Out Frog In Throat To Improbable Karaoke Win

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By: Ben Gauwitz ELBURN, IL—In a heroic display of stamina and heart, Mark Springer, 37, won Eddie Gaedel Pub’s karaoke contest last Thursday. Springer, known around Gaedel’s as “Dinger,” is a tall man, humble in appearance with no real singing ability or talent. Despite that, he was able to overcome these obstacles and win the three round tournament among a sizable field of eight. Springer advanced through the first round with a zealous offering of Queen’s “Somebody to Love.” According to the host of the competition, everyone advanced to the second round. “Usually, we have a higher turnout, but the…

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Phish Plays 27 Minute National Anthem At Boston Red Sox Game

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By: Maximilian Stolte BOSTON, MA—Yesterday the Red Sox played the Angels and Phish phans everywhere rejoiced as the band was in attendance to watch the team and perform their rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, or for newbs to the music scene, “The National Anthem”. The crowd was both perplexed and upset when the cover of this beloved song not only included heavy improvisation on guitar, a 3 minute drum solo, an a cappella section, and the use of a vacuum cleaner as an instrument, but also lasted 27 minutes. Music and baseball fans alike agreed that the jam band…

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Family Plans Vacation Same Weekend As String Cheese Incident In Town A-Fucking-Gain

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By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—This spring, as countless families flee south for vacation to escape the cold winds of the north, one family in particular was looking forward to a little site seeing, rest and relaxation. What was waiting for the Watts family was anything but relaxing. For the third vacation in a row, the Wattses booked their hotel in close proximity to a String Cheese Incident show. James Watts, father, golfer, and CPA, says he could tell before even checking in to the hotel that yet another relaxing stay would be ruined. “I could smell the marijuana in the…

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Jesus Christ’s TOP TEN TUNEZ For The Coming Apocalypse

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  By: Ross Childs ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE, USA — For millions of people on Earth, the first Sunday of April marks Easter, the celebration of The Resurrection of one Jesus Harriet Christ. This year, however, humanity is in for an Easter like no other as Christ himself returns to fight the Antichrist and his billion-strong demon horde for the ultimate smackdown: The Biblical Apocalypse. In preparation for the ACTUAL war to end all wars (Suck it, World War One), Jesus “Ready Savior One” Christ has given us the gift of badass tuneage on two stone tablets with built-in speakers. Here…

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Gateway Concert: Dave Matthews Band Could Lead Your Children To Dangerous Bands Like Phish

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—American rock band Dave Matthews Band, or as attendees of their seemingly benign concerts call them, “DMB”, is gearing up for their summer tour and once again unexpecting children will be exposed to the seeds of concert-going. On the surface, their concert events appear to allow fans to revisit nostalgic radio rock performed live by a wavering-voiced Dave Matthews. Below the surface and behind the clouds of one-hitter smoke lies something more sinister: a gateway to dangerous, life ruining jam bands like Phish or, heaven forbid, Dead and Company. Dave Matthews Band themselves aren’t entirely malevolent.…

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