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Music

We're getting to the bottom of where that damn loud music is coming from!

Phish Plays 27 Minute National Anthem At Boston Red Sox Game

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By: Maximilian Stolte BOSTON, MA—Yesterday the Red Sox played the Angels and Phish phans everywhere rejoiced as the band was in attendance to watch the team and perform their rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, or for newbs to the music scene, “The National Anthem”. The crowd was both perplexed and upset when the cover of this beloved song not only included heavy improvisation on guitar, a 3 minute drum solo, an a cappella section, and the use of a vacuum cleaner as an instrument, but also lasted 27 minutes. Music and baseball fans alike agreed that the jam band…

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Which Paul Stanley Side Project Are You? [QUIZ]

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Which Paul Stanley Side Project Are You? Over the years, beloved Kiss member Paul Stanley has graced the world with many side projects outside of painting his face and singing and strumming along with the greatest rock band of all time. It goes without saying that a true Kiss fan would have to know, and know NOW, which one of those side projects they are the physical embodiment of by answering some questions online. What are you waiting for? Get started! Start Quiz Question Your answer: Correct answer: Next You got {{SCORE_CORRECT}} out of {{SCORE_TOTAL}} SHARE YOUR RESULTSShareTweetPinEmail Your Answers…

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Family Plans Vacation Same Weekend As String Cheese Incident In Town A-Fucking-Gain

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By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—This spring, as countless families flee south for vacation to escape the cold winds of the north, one family in particular was looking forward to a little site seeing, rest and relaxation. What was waiting for the Watts family was anything but relaxing. For the third vacation in a row, the Wattses booked their hotel in close proximity to a String Cheese Incident show. James Watts, father, golfer, and CPA, says he could tell before even checking in to the hotel that yet another relaxing stay would be ruined. “I could smell the marijuana in the…

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Jesus Christ’s TOP TEN TUNEZ For The Coming Apocalypse

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  By: Ross Childs ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE, USA — For millions of people on Earth, the first Sunday of April marks Easter, the celebration of The Resurrection of one Jesus Harriet Christ. This year, however, humanity is in for an Easter like no other as Christ himself returns to fight the Antichrist and his billion-strong demon horde for the ultimate smackdown: The Biblical Apocalypse. In preparation for the ACTUAL war to end all wars (Suck it, World War One), Jesus “Ready Savior One” Christ has given us the gift of badass tuneage on two stone tablets with built-in speakers. Here…

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Gateway Concert: Dave Matthews Band Could Lead Your Children To Dangerous Bands Like Phish

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—American rock band Dave Matthews Band, or as attendees of their seemingly benign concerts call them, “DMB”, is gearing up for their summer tour and once again unexpecting children will be exposed to the seeds of concert-going. On the surface, their concert events appear to allow fans to revisit nostalgic radio rock performed live by a wavering-voiced Dave Matthews. Below the surface and behind the clouds of one-hitter smoke lies something more sinister: a gateway to dangerous, life ruining jam bands like Phish or, heaven forbid, Dead and Company. Dave Matthews Band themselves aren’t entirely malevolent.…

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Beyonce Releases Voice Memo Of Shopping List; Goes Platinum

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By: Ross Childs Chicago, IL – Fans rejoiced today when Beyonce Knowles released a new album consisting entirely of her listing items from her grocery shopping list. The album,titled, Banana Milk Eggs, is believed to be a conceptual continuation of her groundbreaking 2016 release, Lemonade. This new album leads to an eventual series of albums that music experts have already dubbed, “The Delicious Cycle.” The new work, a bold, awe-inspiring spoken word style with absolutely no music, went double-platinum approximately fifteen minutes after its release. Banana Milk Eggs, or “BME,” features a number of catchy singles, not the least of…

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Pearl Jam To Release Lost Tapes Containing 82 Minutes Of Indiscernible Veddering

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By: Jason Elewski SEATTLE, WA—Remember the first time you heard your favorite band? There are few things in a lifetime that can compare to the moment when that sweet sexy sound hit your ears exactly when you needed it. And knowing how bands grow and evolve, chances are you only get to experience that moment once. Well if you’re a Pearl Jam fan, your ears are about to have their virginity restored, because the rock gods are releasing brand new material from tapes previously lost during their 1991 recording session for their debut album Ten. The tapes were found by…

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Keith Richards, 74, Found Not Dead

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By: Ross Childs Musical icon Keith Richards has reportedly not passed away today at age 74. The body of the Rolling Stones guitarist was found in his home eating a bowl of corn flakes while reading a newspaper. Upon hearing this, fans of the singer/songwriter went about their day as if nothing happened…because nothing had. Richards, who helped pioneer Rock N’ Roll as a popular music genre, was apparently in the middle of planning a 2018 tour with the rest of the Rolling Stones when he went to bed last night and woke up this morning in exceptional health.. In…

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You Won’t Believe What The Baby’s Penis From Nirvana’s Nevermind Album Cover Looks Like Now!

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By: Maximilian Stolte We all remember the cute baby diving in a pool chasing a dollar bill on Nirvana’s album cover for Nevermind. Not only was it loaded with social commentary about America and capitalism, it also featured a determined baby with the unusual skill of being comfortable while submerged in water. Now that baby is all grown up and, believe it or not, so is his penis. The album cover is less than flattering for young Spencer Elden, former nude child model, but in his defense, he was in a cold swimming pool and shrinkage is a scientific fact.…

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Doctor Cures Jay-Z’s Chronic Cough

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By: Mike Maxwell Brooklyn, NY- A medical breakthrough has been made at Brooklyn Hospital Center as a team of physicians have found the cure for the chronic cough of hip hop icon, Jay-Z. The forty-eight year old rhyme maestro has been spitting flow for nearly thirty years. In the rap game, it’s common knowledge that four out of five doctors don’t recommend that beat busting, saliva-slinging lifestyle. Rockin’ the mic can and will generate a chronic cough that could impair one’s voice and ability to start songs cold. Doctors tallied several attributing factors to this perpetual frog in Shawn Carter’s…

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