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Local news from around the world! We provide coverage of happenings from regions worldwide.

Fraternity Hazing Includes Hanging Out With Desmond

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By: Jack Hutsey LAWRENCE, KS The freshman pledge class of the Pi Omicron Gamma Fraternity knew there would be hazing, but nothing could’ve prepared them for what they have experienced in the past six weeks. Other fraternities on campus are famous for their embarrassing stunts like streaking nude through the library and asking Ms. Crobbins, the octogenarian librarian who always says yes, out on a date. However, the brothers of P.O.G. had a hazing ace up their sleeve that nobody was ready for. “Cleaning, getting yelled at, wall-sits, beer runs, picking people up,” P.O.G. house president Devin “Truck Nutz” Pfeifferberg…

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Man Rides Out Frog In Throat To Improbable Karaoke Win

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By: Ben Gauwitz ELBURN, IL—In a heroic display of stamina and heart, Mark Springer, 37, won Eddie Gaedel Pub’s karaoke contest last Thursday. Springer, known around Gaedel’s as “Dinger,” is a tall man, humble in appearance with no real singing ability or talent. Despite that, he was able to overcome these obstacles and win the three round tournament among a sizable field of eight. Springer advanced through the first round with a zealous offering of Queen’s “Somebody to Love.” According to the host of the competition, everyone advanced to the second round. “Usually, we have a higher turnout, but the…

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Cute Talking Raccoon Only Talks About Libertarian Party

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Get ready to wet your pants with excitement! There’s a talking Raccoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo!  The animal, affectionately named “Zippo”, has been dishing out smiles and wonder to visitors every day since his arrival two weeks ago. People just can’t seem to get enough of his cute furry face, his cute fuzzy tale, and his cute endorsement of the Libertarian Party! Zippo has only been here less than a month, but he’s already become one of the most popular attractions at the Lincoln Park Zoo. “He’s so adorable,” says Abigail, age 10. “He loves…

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Ben T Wood Comedy Festival [VIDEO]

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Chicago’s premiere music festival, Ben T Wood Comedy Festival, has all of your favorite names in comedy and networking opportunities galore! Check out the vapotorium in the DSW parking lot or the world’s largest game of zip zap zop!

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Shame: This Fetus Would’ve Been Subway’s Two-Billionth Customer If It Weren’t Aborted

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By: Nicholas Anthony Scutti If you’re pro-life, get those tissues out and ready. It was announced a few hours ago that a three month old fetus, the one who would’ve been Subway’s two-billionth customer, was aborted, never to develop to full term to know what a Subway sandwich would taste like. The fetus, who would’ve been named Tommy (or Sandra if it was a girl), was destined from the beginning of time to be crowned as Subway’s two billionth customer while ordering a Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt in 2047. But thanks to a seven-to-two majority from the godless Supreme Court…

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Got ‘Em: Drumpf Must Resign After Improv Team Torches Him In Last Night’s Set

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By: Jack Hutsey CHICAGO, IL—Pack your shit, “President” Trump. We’d be surprised if Krumpf can even sit down after the scorching treatment Chicago improv troupe, Ben & Jerrymander, dished out in last night’s set. The veteran team of 24-year olds received the suggestion of “zucchini” and immediately went to work, drilling the Commander-in-Grief with wordplay and puns that would make William Shakespeare nut into a Dixie cup. “We were just on top of our game,” BJ Waters said. “I started a scene about gentrification, and J-Bone [Jacopo Dandelbaum] took it to a new place with his character, Cheeto Hands.” After…

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Man Desperately Searching For Life Lesson That Will End Body Swap With Henry Kissinger

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By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY– Famed former Secretary of State and geopolitical expert Henry Kissinger, 95, stunned reporters at a recent press conference by announcing that he had swapped bodies with Manhattan dentist Dr. Henry Richardson, 49, and was desperately trying to determine how to return to his own body. “Please – somebody has to call my wife. She doesn’t believe me,” Richardson croaked in the distinctive German accent of the architect of Cold War diplomacy. “Why is this happening?” Richardson expressed confusion as to why his consciousness had been transported into the corporeal form of the man who…

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Dream Catcher Hanging From Rearview Mirror Perfect For When I Fall Asleep Driving

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By: Sandra Simpson SANTA FE, NM—My rearview mirror dream catcher isn’t just a hastily made gas station purchase, it’s a very important and culturally significant piece that is both spiritual and practical. Native Americans would hang these woven hoops with feathers and beads above their babies cradles to protect them from bad dreams. In keeping with that tradition, I put mine where I need it most, in my car where I fall asleep for moments at a time while driving. Maybe I should get more sleep, try caffeine, or even pull over at rest stops. The truth is I feel…

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Little Leaguer Signs With Team For Unprecedented 10-Pizza Party Deal

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By: Shelby Dollartree PARMA, OH—Allowing teams to court him for the past month, shortstop Tyler Garcia has set a new standard in the world of little league baseball. Receiving offers ranging from ice cream nights to post-game snack bags, he has finally signed with the Little Tigers for an unprecedented deal. “I thought and prayed on this for a long time and I had to admit to myself, my family, and my friends that I’m worth more than 1 or 2 pizza parties per season. I’m a 10-pizza party player,” said Garcia, 11, adding that he really likes pepperoni pizzas…

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Firefighters Call For Body Positive Calendar

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By: Josie Benedetti NEW YORK, NY—Firefighters across the country are on strike this week calling for a body positive calendar for the 2019/2020 calendar year. The nationwide strike has left city blocks burned to the ground, countless adorable kittens stuck helpless in nearby trees, and even talk of the wildly popular second Grey’s Anatomy spinoff “Station 19” in danger of not being brought back for a third season. Most disheartening of all is not the lack of identifiable bones from the piles which now line the streets but the lack of lady boners which have left piles of dry panties…

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