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Local news from around the world! We provide coverage of happenings from regions worldwide.

World’s Smartest Dog Uses Utensils To Eat Garbage

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By: Jack Ritchey SCHAUMBURG, IL – This week researchers at the American Veterinary Medical Association concluded a ten-billion dollar study on the intelligence of the domesticated canine. Tests were conducted on several leading dogs for language skills, cognitive reasoning, and ability to determine if an owner was gone forever after leaving the house. And at the end of the study, 11 year-old Guffman was found to be the world’s smartest dog. In a presentation of the animal’s superior intellect, the press got to watch as the short-eared basset used a napkin and successfully manipulated a fork and knife to eat…

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Teeth Whitening Effects Wasted On Sad Woman Who Never Smiles

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By: Maximilian Stolte Milwaukee, WI—Mary Pratt, 33, began a 30-day teeth whitening regimen that is entering its 28th day. At the beginning of her smile’s transformation, she had noticed significant difference in the shades of whiteness on her teeth in the mirror. Unfortunately she never got to share her glorious results with the world because she is so severely depressed that she never smiles. Her sadness is a mixture of regret and unfulfilled dreams that no confidence provided by oral hygiene could alleviate. No pearly white shine could erase the memories of Darryl and no grill, however ivory, could substitute…

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Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For Children Who Aren’t Her Favorite

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By: Mike Maxwell Skokie, IL—Siblings across America are bracing for their first true test of competitive affection in the calendar year with Mother’s Day fast approaching. Cynics have declared Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ but it is well known in the cul de sacs and high rises across our fine nation, that Mother’s Day was created by a favorite child sticking it to their siblings again. Those kids who are middle of the pack need to treat Mother’s Day like their first yoga class; show up looking the part, but don’t try too hard. There’s no coming back from that…

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Indiana Changes State Motto To “Well Fuck You Too”

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By: Ross Childs INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Indiana State Legislatures have voted to change the official state motto from “The Crossroads of America” to “Well, Fuck You Too”. This decision came after a lengthy debate about how Indiana wishes to present itself to not only the rest of the United States. But to the rest of the world as well. State representatives felt that the new motto best represented Indiana and its citizenry. Many Indianians seem to be in total agreement. Governor Eric Holcomb commented on the change, “If we’re being honest, the old ‘Crossroads’ motto just never felt sincere. Crossroads…

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Area Man Finally High Enough To Face Terrible World

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By: Maximilian Stolte DENVER, CO—At the crack of noon today, Denver local Brett Markham woke up filled with dread about leaving his apartment to face the terrible things the day had in store for him. At roughly 12:25PM he had finished loading his bong bowl and took his first rip. The mellowing effect of the nugs, which were reportedly of the dankest quality, was a step in the right direction for Markham’s day. After eating an Eggo waffle drenched in maple syrup and a cherry Pop-Tart, he set right to packing up his second bowl of highly potent sativa. The body high and…

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Sneaky Texting: 10 Phrases Your Dad May Be Using To Text About Weed

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — As recreational marijuana laws continue to be passed by states around the country, the nation’s dads are becoming increasingly more curious about getting their hands on some of this once stigmatized drug. In many states, recreational marijuana is still illegal so some dads are forced to use slang terms for marijuana when texting their friends. Keep your dad safe by keeping tabs on what he’s saying in his texts and instant messages. Here are the top 10 slang terms that today’s dads are using for marijuana: 10. Lawn Clippings – No matter who is…

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Family Plans Vacation Same Weekend As String Cheese Incident In Town A-Fucking-Gain

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By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—This spring, as countless families flee south for vacation to escape the cold winds of the north, one family in particular was looking forward to a little site seeing, rest and relaxation. What was waiting for the Watts family was anything but relaxing. For the third vacation in a row, the Wattses booked their hotel in close proximity to a String Cheese Incident show. James Watts, father, golfer, and CPA, says he could tell before even checking in to the hotel that yet another relaxing stay would be ruined. “I could smell the marijuana in the…

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Doug Tries New Hot Sauce, Won’t Shut The Hell Up About It

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Last weekend, Doug Bloofer, a local coder, tried a a new hot sauce called “Devil Dale’s Demon Drops” at a small South Side wing joint, and has not shut the hell up about it since.  The cashier at the restaurant, simply called “Freddy’s Wings”, said that Bloofer was reportedly “stoked” to try the new sauce, which he described as “anus meltingly hot” despite literally no one asking. Bloofer, a resident of Wicker Park, has reportedly always been a spice aficionado.  “We’re called ‘Hotheads’,” Bloofer said in a statement, “That’s the lingo in the hot sauce community.…

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Sexual Predator Posting After 6 Month Hiatus Must Think Coast Clear

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By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL—After being outed as a super-predator in November of last year, Dave Fisher disappeared from all social media, removed his website, and moved to an entirely different city. This seemed like an uncharacteristically wise choice from a man who had boldly molested women under the radar for the better part of his adult life. Chicagoans breathed a sigh of relief, anticipating a future void of his “no holds barred, tell it like it is” comedic internet presence. “We were just starting to recover from years of having access to his daily observations while he lived his…

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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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