Spreading the word around…

Category archive

Local

Local news from around the world! We provide coverage of happenings from regions worldwide.

Light Yogurt Not Working As Substitution For Karen’s Existential Dread

by

By: Josie Benedetti Chicago, IL— Administrative Assistant Karen Bundy was looking for something to eliminate the crushing weight of her meaningless existence and some of that pesky weight from her midsection. She found that Yoplait’s new light yogurt options left her still hungry for death and more high calorie snacks later in the day. Bundy was on her morning commute Tuesday when absolutely nothing in her monotonous life changed at all. Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported that Bundy arrived looking worn down, robotic in her movements, and had a general lack of life behind her cold, dead eyes. At lunch, Bundy…

Keep Reading

Jimmy John’s Reveals Gay Sandwich For Next Year’s Pride

by

By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—June is over, which marks an end to Pride Month, the nationwide celebration of the LGBTQ+ community, but sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is just getting started. Their social media team has just unveiled concept photos for their “Gay Sandwich” for Pride 2019 and all we have to say is YAS KWEEN. Jimmy John’s Facebook posted, “Hunty, our mouths are already watering!” Attached is a picture of the freshly made loaf of Rainbow Bread, a multicolored whole wheat loaf that appears to have specks of glitter throughout. The post also includes several tagged celebrities such as RuPaul,…

Keep Reading

Identity Thief With Heart Of Gold Pays Debt, Gets Promotion, Brings Wife To Orgasm For Victim

by

By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—Local stock broker Jeff Martins fell victim to identity theft two months ago after entering his credit card information into an online subscription service that was nothing if not suspect. As a wealthy man who keeps track of his personal spending, he has admittedly never kept regular tabs on his personal finances. His identity was stolen by a man who police have identified as Paul Parker, a career swindler with a heart of gold. Perhaps in filling his philanthropy quota, Parker did Martins a solid and significantly improved his life through identity theft. After obtaining his…

Keep Reading

Logan Square Artist Explodes After Failing To Mention Gallery Every Ten Minutes

by

By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Tragedy descended upon Logan Square today as local artist, Robrick Lovebridge, burst into a cloud of pink mist after going more than ten minutes without mentioning his latest art gallery. Lovebridge, born Krendall Flerbidge, is a self-proclaimed “master performance artist” who recently opened a performance art gallery in the empty guest room of his friend’s apartment above a coffee aerosol bar. The gallery, titled “Wander-ful Strife” featured Lovebridge brushing his teeth with a buck knife while humming the South African National Anthem, with his roommate eating popcorn from a trash bag. Since opening the gallery one…

Keep Reading

Hot Singles In Your Area Cease Ineffective Ad Campaign

by

By: Zack Peercy YOUR AREA, USA—You’ve seen it in the top right corner of your browser while you watch “Step Sis Catches You Watching Porn”. It’s popped up after you’ve skipped around “Gaping Anal Compilation”. You may have even noticed it in your youth while playing “Sailor Moon Dress Up Flash Game” on Newgrounds.com. It’s the Hot Singles In Your Area ad campaign, and soon you won’t be able to see it pop up ever again. It’s a sad day for the internet, but even more sad for real local singles who wanted nothing more than to meet you and…

Keep Reading

Report: 97% Of Dads Say That’ll Do The Trick

by

WASHINGTON D.C.— According to the most recent U.S. census, the American Fatherhood population remains at 70.1 million. Recent polling has given insight that in a nearly unanimous level of support, that 97% of dads say that’ll do the trick. Whether they’re needed to fix, jimmy, hang, or other fish to fry, dads from bloody ol’ London to Mumbai and back to the dirt roads of Mississippi know the knockout punch to every kid’s demands. Throughout 2018, Americans have been searching for intel on a bevy of life’s trials and tribulations. The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse noted that on a daily…

Keep Reading

Weatherman Really Teasing Fuck Out Of Weekend Forecast

by

By: Jack Ritchey ST. LOUIS, MO—It looks like it could be gorgeous outside this weekend. Or it might rain. Or it might fucking thundersnow. At this point only one person knows, and he’s clearly masturbating to the fact that he’s not telling us anytime soon. Twelve minutes into KSDK News Channel 5’s evening broadcast, just after the grizzly details of a double murder at a liquor store and an update on that toddler missing since September, local weatherman Craig Moller made a brief and obnoxious appearance to really tease the fuck out of that weekend forecast. “He started off joking…

Keep Reading

Obituary: FACE, The Original Host Of Nick Jr., Dead At 51

by

Dutifully written by: Patrick Webb The on-air mascot was found dead in his studio apartment in Van Nuys of an apparent, accidental overdose. Born and raised in Orlando, FL, FACE struggled as a working actor through the late 80’s and early 90’s doing the occasional regional theatre until booking his dream roll as the “face” of Nick Jr. in 1994. He starred in over 400 on-air promotions for the network until 2004 when he left the company to try to break into film. After losing the role of the titular lead in the 2008 film Hancock to Will Smith, FACE…

Keep Reading

Husband Released Back Into Society After Fad Diet

by

By: Mike Maxwell Palatine, IL –This Friday marked the triumphant close of a grueling journey for Ryan Knowles as he finished his first ever relationship induced dieting regiment. Knowles, a husband to soulmate Kasha, has avoided three joint dieting efforts. The Whole 30 will forever be his caloric nemesis. Wikipedia summarizes The Whole 30 as a fad diet that emphasizes whole foods in which participants eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, soy, dairy, and social acceptance. “Kasha tried to get me on a cleanse back when we dated, then it was going vegan which was pointless because I lived a half…

Keep Reading

1 2 3 11
Go to Top