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Local news from around the world! We provide coverage of happenings from regions worldwide.

Marvel Already Announcing Stan Lee Reboot

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By: Darren D. Daly Unwilling to let a franchise die, even in the midst of Stan Lee’s passing, Walt Disney subsidiary, Marvel Studios, has made a major announcement about the future of its biggest moneymaker. Rather than taking a minute to mourn, they have instead released a teaser poster for the reboot of the beloved creator of such iconic characters as Spider-Man, The Hulk, and Mr. Candelabra. Working under the title Stan Lee: Again, indie movie writer/director Bo Burnham has already penned the first draft of Lee that producers are predicting will be the year’s best source of money. President…

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Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

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By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying…

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Succulent Dies Along With 29-Year-Old’s Hope Of Ever Becoming A Parent

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By: Josie Benedetti MANHATTAN, NY—Jillian Fogle, 29, who had been told that succulents were one of the hardest plants to kill, was devastated to find her impulsive succulent purchase molding, untouched, on top of her book shelf Monday morning. Fogle, who had been using the succulent to see if she was ready to finally have and raise a child on her own, Gilmore Girls style, commented, “I guess this is it. I don’t deserve children. I can’t even keep a fucking succulent alive. A FUCKING SUCCULENT!” Fogle said she had recently successfully hung out with a baby at a friend’s…

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Opinion: Beto Is Better For Texas. Take It From Me, A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-Rays

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By: A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-rays FORT WORTH, TX—For seven months now, I’ve been following the surging candidacy of Beto O’Rourke in the 2018 Texas Senate Race. What a ride. After talking to family, friends and neighbors, most of whom typically vote Republican, I now believe Beto to be the better candidate. Take it from me, a tried and true Longhorn conservative who hasn’t watched many films on Blu-ray. As someone who had a friend’s Netflix password early on, I began to consider moving on from Ted Cruz and the GOP. I didn’t think America should be…

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Neighborhood Kids Find Treasure Map In Attic, Completely Miss Stack Of Porn

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By: Jack Ritchey PORTLAND, ME—The town of Portland Maine has seen several financial hardships over the past year. With many homeowners defaulting on loans, one developer threatens to tear down a residential stretch of the city’s east side and convert it into a Jimmy Buffet themed hotel. The town’s future looked pretty grim, but sources have confirmed this week that a group of neighborhood friends have found an old treasure map in Tommy Mueller’s attic and set out on a hunt, all talking over each other, anxious to follow the clues and find a hidden treasure that could save their…

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Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Drinking Coffee And Everyone Knowing When You’re Taking A Dump

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By: Jeff Sweatly A cup of joe in the morning is essential to maintaining the constitution necessary for morning commutes, water cooler conversations, afternoon meetings, and bitchin’ happy hours. That steamy cup of hot bean water is what fuels America and effectively why we as Americans run on Dunkin. This beautiful caffeinated concoction, however, may also be the cause for some embarrassment according to a recent study conducted by the Browning Institute. As it turns out, 4 out of every 5 people know exactly what you’re doing in the bathroom, provided they witness you consuming a cup of coffee. The…

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Stay Informed Without Uncle Sam Gettin’ Wise

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By: Ross Childs NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, USA — Congratulations, you finally did it! You cut up your driver’s license, burned your social security card, and grew a cabin-in-the-deep-woods beard – you’re finally ready for life OFF THE GRID! No longer will the government have its filthy, conniving, tax-soaked tentacles all wrapped up in every aspect of your life like the Hentai Porn you enjoy so very secretly. But in this day and age, information is power, and you want to stay informed – hell, you NEED to stay informed. How else do you stay ahead of the black…

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Guy Singing Meatloaf At Karaoke Might Actually Be Meatloaf

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By: Jack Hutsey EDWARDSVILLE, IL—Chatters Bar and Grill in Edwardsville, IL has been the home of “Conceal and Karaoke” Thursdays for the past eight years. Patrons run the gamut of typical karaoke songs from Whitney Houston to Journey to Taylor Swift to the occasional Radiohead (Jeremiah Wheatley absolutely slays Paranoid Android). This past Thursday, the Chatters crowd was served with something categorically different. “Some guy was up there. He did a decent job with ​Paradise by the Dashboard Light​,” Ann Krankenheit said, who usually sticks to falsetto Beyonce. “But then he just stayed up there.” The mystery singer sang five…

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