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Food/Drink

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Light Yogurt Not Working As Substitution For Karen’s Existential Dread

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By: Josie Benedetti Chicago, IL— Administrative Assistant Karen Bundy was looking for something to eliminate the crushing weight of her meaningless existence and some of that pesky weight from her midsection. She found that Yoplait’s new light yogurt options left her still hungry for death and more high calorie snacks later in the day. Bundy was on her morning commute Tuesday when absolutely nothing in her monotonous life changed at all. Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported that Bundy arrived looking worn down, robotic in her movements, and had a general lack of life behind her cold, dead eyes. At lunch, Bundy…

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Jimmy John’s Reveals Gay Sandwich For Next Year’s Pride

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By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—June is over, which marks an end to Pride Month, the nationwide celebration of the LGBTQ+ community, but sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is just getting started. Their social media team has just unveiled concept photos for their “Gay Sandwich” for Pride 2019 and all we have to say is YAS KWEEN. Jimmy John’s Facebook posted, “Hunty, our mouths are already watering!” Attached is a picture of the freshly made loaf of Rainbow Bread, a multicolored whole wheat loaf that appears to have specks of glitter throughout. The post also includes several tagged celebrities such as RuPaul,…

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Husband Released Back Into Society After Fad Diet

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By: Mike Maxwell Palatine, IL –This Friday marked the triumphant close of a grueling journey for Ryan Knowles as he finished his first ever relationship induced dieting regiment. Knowles, a husband to soulmate Kasha, has avoided three joint dieting efforts. The Whole 30 will forever be his caloric nemesis. Wikipedia summarizes The Whole 30 as a fad diet that emphasizes whole foods in which participants eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, soy, dairy, and social acceptance. “Kasha tried to get me on a cleanse back when we dated, then it was going vegan which was pointless because I lived a half…

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Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For Children Who Aren’t Her Favorite

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By: Mike Maxwell Skokie, IL—Siblings across America are bracing for their first true test of competitive affection in the calendar year with Mother’s Day fast approaching. Cynics have declared Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ but it is well known in the cul de sacs and high rises across our fine nation, that Mother’s Day was created by a favorite child sticking it to their siblings again. Those kids who are middle of the pack need to treat Mother’s Day like their first yoga class; show up looking the part, but don’t try too hard. There’s no coming back from that…

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Doug Tries New Hot Sauce, Won’t Shut The Hell Up About It

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Last weekend, Doug Bloofer, a local coder, tried a a new hot sauce called “Devil Dale’s Demon Drops” at a small South Side wing joint, and has not shut the hell up about it since.  The cashier at the restaurant, simply called “Freddy’s Wings”, said that Bloofer was reportedly “stoked” to try the new sauce, which he described as “anus meltingly hot” despite literally no one asking. Bloofer, a resident of Wicker Park, has reportedly always been a spice aficionado.  “We’re called ‘Hotheads’,” Bloofer said in a statement, “That’s the lingo in the hot sauce community.…

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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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A Tribute To All Those Killed By Pies On Pi Day, 2018

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By: Ross Childs UNITED STATES — March 14. 3/14. Pi Day. It’s a day celebrated by Americans everywhere by consuming copious amounts of delicious pie of all kinds.  However, for many people, this jovial day is also they’re last on this Earth.  It is important, however, that those who have succumbed to the gluttony of the day are remembered with smiles and celebration. In remembrance: Jonathan Kramble, 41, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  Kramble was eating an apple cinnamon pie when he failed to chew a large bite properly. He choked for several hours but refused to stop eating the pie. By the…

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O! I’m That Soup! Which Oprah Soup Are You? [Quiz]

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O! I’m That Soup! Which Oprah Soup Are You? Oprah Winfrey just released a new comfort line of soups. Her O! That’s Good soup line includes 4 soups and 4 sides. Each soup and side is artisanally crafted with special helpings of love, inspiration, and whimsy meant to nurture your hungry appetite and hungrier spirit. Take the quiz below to figure out which O! That’s Good Soup you are!  Start Quiz Question Your answer: Correct answer: Next You got {{SCORE_CORRECT}} out of {{SCORE_TOTAL}} SHARE YOUR RESULTSShareTweetPinEmail Your Answers Retake Quiz

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Beyonce Releases Voice Memo Of Shopping List; Goes Platinum

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By: Ross Childs Chicago, IL – Fans rejoiced today when Beyonce Knowles released a new album consisting entirely of her listing items from her grocery shopping list. The album,titled, Banana Milk Eggs, is believed to be a conceptual continuation of her groundbreaking 2016 release, Lemonade. This new album leads to an eventual series of albums that music experts have already dubbed, “The Delicious Cycle.” The new work, a bold, awe-inspiring spoken word style with absolutely no music, went double-platinum approximately fifteen minutes after its release. Banana Milk Eggs, or “BME,” features a number of catchy singles, not the least of…

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