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Food/Drink

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Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For Children Who Aren’t Her Favorite

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By: Mike Maxwell Skokie, IL—Siblings across America are bracing for their first true test of competitive affection in the calendar year with Mother’s Day fast approaching. Cynics have declared Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ but it is well known in the cul de sacs and high rises across our fine nation, that Mother’s Day was created by a favorite child sticking it to their siblings again. Those kids who are middle of the pack need to treat Mother’s Day like their first yoga class; show up looking the part, but don’t try too hard. There’s no coming back from that…

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Doug Tries New Hot Sauce, Won’t Shut The Hell Up About It

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Last weekend, Doug Bloofer, a local coder, tried a a new hot sauce called “Devil Dale’s Demon Drops” at a small South Side wing joint, and has not shut the hell up about it since.  The cashier at the restaurant, simply called “Freddy’s Wings”, said that Bloofer was reportedly “stoked” to try the new sauce, which he described as “anus meltingly hot” despite literally no one asking. Bloofer, a resident of Wicker Park, has reportedly always been a spice aficionado.  “We’re called ‘Hotheads’,” Bloofer said in a statement, “That’s the lingo in the hot sauce community.…

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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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A Tribute To All Those Killed By Pies On Pi Day, 2018

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By: Ross Childs UNITED STATES — March 14. 3/14. Pi Day. It’s a day celebrated by Americans everywhere by consuming copious amounts of delicious pie of all kinds.  However, for many people, this jovial day is also they’re last on this Earth.  It is important, however, that those who have succumbed to the gluttony of the day are remembered with smiles and celebration. In remembrance: Jonathan Kramble, 41, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  Kramble was eating an apple cinnamon pie when he failed to chew a large bite properly. He choked for several hours but refused to stop eating the pie. By the…

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O! I’m That Soup! Which Oprah Soup Are You? [Quiz]

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O! I’m That Soup! Which Oprah Soup Are You? Oprah Winfrey just released a new comfort line of soups. Her O! That’s Good soup line includes 4 soups and 4 sides. Each soup and side is artisanally crafted with special helpings of love, inspiration, and whimsy meant to nurture your hungry appetite and hungrier spirit. Take the quiz below to figure out which O! That’s Good Soup you are!  Start Quiz Question Your answer: Correct answer: Next You got {{SCORE_CORRECT}} out of {{SCORE_TOTAL}} SHARE YOUR RESULTSShareTweetPinEmail Your Answers Retake Quiz

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Beyonce Releases Voice Memo Of Shopping List; Goes Platinum

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By: Ross Childs Chicago, IL – Fans rejoiced today when Beyonce Knowles released a new album consisting entirely of her listing items from her grocery shopping list. The album,titled, Banana Milk Eggs, is believed to be a conceptual continuation of her groundbreaking 2016 release, Lemonade. This new album leads to an eventual series of albums that music experts have already dubbed, “The Delicious Cycle.” The new work, a bold, awe-inspiring spoken word style with absolutely no music, went double-platinum approximately fifteen minutes after its release. Banana Milk Eggs, or “BME,” features a number of catchy singles, not the least of…

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74% Of World Ready To Put Some Ranch On That

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By: Mike Maxwell Hidden Valley, CO—With January coming to a close, Americans are finally ready to loosen their belts and lower their health goals. Whether bracing for Valentine’s Day or crumbling after a ‘Sober January,’ people from all walks of life are beginning to invest in their own personal reservoirs of ranch. The Federal Condiment Council’s annual sauce index was released and the data shows some compelling news. Researchers found that as the demand for organic and non-GMO food is on the rise, so is the demand for two ounces of flavor enhancing substances. The FCC has run their annual…

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Man Calculates How Much He’ll Need To Drink To Get Full Value Out Of New Year’s Eve Cover Charge

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By: Jason Elewski CHICAGO—Starting the new year on the right foot is nearly as important as determining the right New Year’s resolution. Kick off NYE with one poor decision and you might be looking at whole 365 days of shit. Known partygoer, Carl Loftus, knew this all too well when he agreed to join his friends for a New Year’s Eve event at a local cocktail bar with an $80 cover charge. Having spent the most of 2017 making frivolous purchases, Loftus was determined not to begin 2018 by falling into his old habits. During the course of the past…

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