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Holiday

Holidays and family can be a real drag. A horrible drag. The worst.

Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

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By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying…

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Report: 97% Of Dads Say That’ll Do The Trick

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WASHINGTON D.C.— According to the most recent U.S. census, the American Fatherhood population remains at 70.1 million. Recent polling has given insight that in a nearly unanimous level of support, that 97% of dads say that’ll do the trick. Whether they’re needed to fix, jimmy, hang, or other fish to fry, dads from bloody ol’ London to Mumbai and back to the dirt roads of Mississippi know the knockout punch to every kid’s demands. Throughout 2018, Americans have been searching for intel on a bevy of life’s trials and tribulations. The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse noted that on a daily…

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Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For Children Who Aren’t Her Favorite

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By: Mike Maxwell Skokie, IL—Siblings across America are bracing for their first true test of competitive affection in the calendar year with Mother’s Day fast approaching. Cynics have declared Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ but it is well known in the cul de sacs and high rises across our fine nation, that Mother’s Day was created by a favorite child sticking it to their siblings again. Those kids who are middle of the pack need to treat Mother’s Day like their first yoga class; show up looking the part, but don’t try too hard. There’s no coming back from that…

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Fucking Called It: Older Brother Right About Easter Bunny Too

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By: Maximilian Stolte ST. LOUIS, MO—Yesterday morning saw the end of an era for local 6-year-old Jay Schmidt, whose older brother’s assertion that the Easter bunny was a myth perpetrated by their lying parents was confirmed at the West County Mall. Jay was both shocked and dismayed to discover that, like Santa Clause, this lovable holiday character was just a ruse and that all of life is a cruel lie. Just months prior, Jay’s older brother Thomas broke news to Jay that Christmas was just consumerism masquerading as a religious holiday to get American’s to spend money on stuff they…

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Jesus Christ’s TOP TEN TUNEZ For The Coming Apocalypse

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  By: Ross Childs ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE, USA — For millions of people on Earth, the first Sunday of April marks Easter, the celebration of The Resurrection of one Jesus Harriet Christ. This year, however, humanity is in for an Easter like no other as Christ himself returns to fight the Antichrist and his billion-strong demon horde for the ultimate smackdown: The Biblical Apocalypse. In preparation for the ACTUAL war to end all wars (Suck it, World War One), Jesus “Ready Savior One” Christ has given us the gift of badass tuneage on two stone tablets with built-in speakers. Here…

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A Tribute To All Those Killed By Pies On Pi Day, 2018

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By: Ross Childs UNITED STATES — March 14. 3/14. Pi Day. It’s a day celebrated by Americans everywhere by consuming copious amounts of delicious pie of all kinds.  However, for many people, this jovial day is also they’re last on this Earth.  It is important, however, that those who have succumbed to the gluttony of the day are remembered with smiles and celebration. In remembrance: Jonathan Kramble, 41, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  Kramble was eating an apple cinnamon pie when he failed to chew a large bite properly. He choked for several hours but refused to stop eating the pie. By the…

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International Women’s Day Moved To Tomorrow Cuz Ain’t NO Man Gonna Fucking Tell Me When To Celebrate

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By: Kitty GaLore LONG ISLAND, NY- That’s right, b!tche$!!! Gear up for tomorrow, March 9, to honor your sisters because we are TAKING OUR DAY BACK. We for sure as hell are not going to let the patriarchy tell us when our day is. So put your pu$$y hat back in your coat pocket and wear it loud and proud TOMORROW (not today). We only get one day in a calendar year to celebrate ourselves and our achievements on a global scale, so we’re gonna choose when it is. And it’s tomorrow. We choose tomorrow. Because honestly, it’s kind of more…

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