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Holiday

Holidays and family can be a real drag. A horrible drag. The worst.

Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For Children Who Aren’t Her Favorite

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By: Mike Maxwell Skokie, IL—Siblings across America are bracing for their first true test of competitive affection in the calendar year with Mother’s Day fast approaching. Cynics have declared Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ but it is well known in the cul de sacs and high rises across our fine nation, that Mother’s Day was created by a favorite child sticking it to their siblings again. Those kids who are middle of the pack need to treat Mother’s Day like their first yoga class; show up looking the part, but don’t try too hard. There’s no coming back from that…

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Fucking Called It: Older Brother Right About Easter Bunny Too

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By: Maximilian Stolte ST. LOUIS, MO—Yesterday morning saw the end of an era for local 6-year-old Jay Schmidt, whose older brother’s assertion that the Easter bunny was a myth perpetrated by their lying parents was confirmed at the West County Mall. Jay was both shocked and dismayed to discover that, like Santa Clause, this lovable holiday character was just a ruse and that all of life is a cruel lie. Just months prior, Jay’s older brother Thomas broke news to Jay that Christmas was just consumerism masquerading as a religious holiday to get American’s to spend money on stuff they…

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Jesus Christ’s TOP TEN TUNEZ For The Coming Apocalypse

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  By: Ross Childs ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE, USA — For millions of people on Earth, the first Sunday of April marks Easter, the celebration of The Resurrection of one Jesus Harriet Christ. This year, however, humanity is in for an Easter like no other as Christ himself returns to fight the Antichrist and his billion-strong demon horde for the ultimate smackdown: The Biblical Apocalypse. In preparation for the ACTUAL war to end all wars (Suck it, World War One), Jesus “Ready Savior One” Christ has given us the gift of badass tuneage on two stone tablets with built-in speakers. Here…

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A Tribute To All Those Killed By Pies On Pi Day, 2018

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By: Ross Childs UNITED STATES — March 14. 3/14. Pi Day. It’s a day celebrated by Americans everywhere by consuming copious amounts of delicious pie of all kinds.  However, for many people, this jovial day is also they’re last on this Earth.  It is important, however, that those who have succumbed to the gluttony of the day are remembered with smiles and celebration. In remembrance: Jonathan Kramble, 41, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  Kramble was eating an apple cinnamon pie when he failed to chew a large bite properly. He choked for several hours but refused to stop eating the pie. By the…

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International Women’s Day Moved To Tomorrow Cuz Ain’t NO Man Gonna Fucking Tell Me When To Celebrate

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By: Kitty GaLore LONG ISLAND, NY- That’s right, b!tche$!!! Gear up for tomorrow, March 9, to honor your sisters because we are TAKING OUR DAY BACK. We for sure as hell are not going to let the patriarchy tell us when our day is. So put your pu$$y hat back in your coat pocket and wear it loud and proud TOMORROW (not today). We only get one day in a calendar year to celebrate ourselves and our achievements on a global scale, so we’re gonna choose when it is. And it’s tomorrow. We choose tomorrow. Because honestly, it’s kind of more…

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The Last Straw: This Woman Broke Up With All Of Her Friends After They Forgot Galentine’s Day… AGAIN

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By: Jason Elewski CHICAGO, IL—Valentine’s Day is a drag. It’s nothing more than a “corporate Hallmark Frankenstein’s monster created in the name of making more dollars for the failing greeting card industry.” At least that’s what Chelsea Crackers has been saying for the past 5 years and precisely why she doesn’t celebrate the occasion. But rather than ignoring the day entirely, Chelsea opted to celebrate with her single besties on what she calls Galentine’s Day. Every year, Crackers looks forward to the opportunity to honor the bonds that she and her girlfriends have built and just let loose while “those…

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Valentine’s Day: Annual Floral Genocide Ravages Nation

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL — For many, Valentine’s Day is a loving, joyous occasion. However, there are those for whom Valentine’s Day is one of horror, chaos, and terrible loss. The lives of flowers are cut short by the dozens, and their corpses are put on display as grotesque reminders of this annual botanical massacre. Roses, daffodils, carnations, irises, tulips – none are spared on this day. The average flower shop in America will have stems and petals strewn about the ground, but it might as well be piles of bones and blood as doting, love-struck morons purchase bundles…

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