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Politics

The latest coverage on the apocalypse that people call politics.

Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

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By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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Roseanne Barr To Reprise Racist ‘Character’ At Thanksgivings This Week

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By: Andy Frye The once-embattled 1980s comedienne Roseanne Barr is about to make a name for herself again. Hoping to capitalize on America’s rising family drama trends, and the very popular “Trump supporter relative” stock role at Thanksgiving last year, Barr has decided to embark on a nationwide tour this week to bring her controversial brand of humor directly to your family’s dinner table. Barr announced the tour this week, stating publicly, “C U at dinner, bitches!” while calling herself “Aunt Ambien” and “Tofurky liberals’ worst nightmare” via her Twitter account. Ms. Barr’s agent, Anson Heedler, says that former star…

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Opinion: Beto Is Better For Texas. Take It From Me, A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-Rays

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By: A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-rays FORT WORTH, TX—For seven months now, I’ve been following the surging candidacy of Beto O’Rourke in the 2018 Texas Senate Race. What a ride. After talking to family, friends and neighbors, most of whom typically vote Republican, I now believe Beto to be the better candidate. Take it from me, a tried and true Longhorn conservative who hasn’t watched many films on Blu-ray. As someone who had a friend’s Netflix password early on, I began to consider moving on from Ted Cruz and the GOP. I didn’t think America should be…

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‘My Life is Ruined’ Says Man Promoted To Highest Court Of The Land

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By: Steve Plock Washington, D.C.—The Senate Judiciary Committee’s special hearing on the sexual assault claims of Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was a rigorous day full of painful recollections, intense questioning, and privileged white male tears. Ford’s testimony was a brave and powerful act of patriotism, likely to empower women of all ages to deal with their own issues of daily abuse and assault more adeptly. However, it was Kavanaugh’s opening statement that likely forced Americans to reckon with consequences that come with accusing a rich, privileged white man of his past crimes. “My life is…

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Perfectly Innocent Man Says No To FBI Investigation

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By: Nick Scutti Washington, D.C.—A perfectly innocent man, nominated for the position of Justice of the United States Supreme Court, has said no to allowing the FBI to investigate allegations that he has sexually assaulted multiple women. The innocent man, who has insisted several times during a long hearing with members of the Senate that he is innocent, declined to give Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) an affirmative answer as to whether he would agree to an investigation that should be able to prove the innocence he claims to be bestowing. “…if you… turned to … this committee and say for…

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Developments In Hand Dryer Technology Rapidly Outpacing Those In Cancer Research

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By: Allie Rubin WASHINGTON, D.C.—Doctors warn that technological developments in automated hand-drying technology are outpacing those in cancer research at an alarming rate. The discovery, which was made in the crowded bathroom of a recent medical conference, has sent shockwaves through the oncological community. “It’s unsustainable,” cried Dr. Marvin Lapace, head of the American Cancer Society. “In the past decade, we’ve made remarkably little progress in understanding how to effectively combat cancer. In that same time, hand-drying technology has advanced in leaps and bounds.” “If we could only harness some of the sheer brain-power of these engineers,” Dr. Lapace pleaded,…

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Levi’s Issues Recall On Acid-Soaked Jeans

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by M. Barry Frütz SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Suffering public backlash amid damaged legs ranging from blistering to burnt straight off, Levi’s issued a recall for what they thought were going to be a smash hit this summer. Their acid-soaked 501 jeans were expected to hit the festival scene with a bang, but were instead received with pain and misery. Early recipients of the pants were dismayed to find that the jeans took the concept of “acid wash” and cranked it to 11, causing them to pass out after the most excruciating 10 seconds of their lives. One wearer described the experience…

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BREAKING: Donald Trump Has A Pretty Regular Dick, Breaking Years Of Presidential Tradition

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By: Jack Hutsey WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing that President Donald Trump has a dick shaped like a mushroom, the nation is in a state of shock and rage. Never before in American history has the country been led by a man with a normal looking dick. “This is unprecedented and quite frankly, unprofessional and unbecoming of the office of the presidency,” Arthur Patrick Gable, official Presidential Penis Historian and Curator of the Commander-in-Chief Dick Museum and Education Center, said. It is the unspoken rule of the Presidency that the holder of the office must have a weird looking rod. Concave. Swirled.…

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