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Politics

The latest coverage on the apocalypse that people call politics.

Jimmy John’s Reveals Gay Sandwich For Next Year’s Pride

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By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—June is over, which marks an end to Pride Month, the nationwide celebration of the LGBTQ+ community, but sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is just getting started. Their social media team has just unveiled concept photos for their “Gay Sandwich” for Pride 2019 and all we have to say is YAS KWEEN. Jimmy John’s Facebook posted, “Hunty, our mouths are already watering!” Attached is a picture of the freshly made loaf of Rainbow Bread, a multicolored whole wheat loaf that appears to have specks of glitter throughout. The post also includes several tagged celebrities such as RuPaul,…

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Hot Singles In Your Area Cease Ineffective Ad Campaign

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By: Zack Peercy YOUR AREA, USA—You’ve seen it in the top right corner of your browser while you watch “Step Sis Catches You Watching Porn”. It’s popped up after you’ve skipped around “Gaping Anal Compilation”. You may have even noticed it in your youth while playing “Sailor Moon Dress Up Flash Game” on Newgrounds.com. It’s the Hot Singles In Your Area ad campaign, and soon you won’t be able to see it pop up ever again. It’s a sad day for the internet, but even more sad for real local singles who wanted nothing more than to meet you and…

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American Hero Stands For National Anthem And Entire Football Game

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By: Zack Peercy Philadelphia, PA—In these controversial times, the bravery of one man has ignited the flame of democracy once again. Levi Nowak of Lackawanna County sent a message to The Philadelphia Eagles, the NFL, the liberal elite, and the salt of the earth American spectators at Lincoln Financial Field by standing for the National Anthem and the entire subsequent game between the Eagles and the Washington Redskins. Noticing the tension revolving around the Anthem last season, escalated by the fact that many of The Eagles refused to accept President Trump’s invitation to the White House, Nowak knew that it…

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FOX Cancels Happiness

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By: Zack Peercy Los Angeles, CA—Continuing the string of recent cancellations including Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Last Man on Earth, and The Mick, FOX has now cancelled Happiness after a brief broadcast between winter and mid-spring. Happiness popped up only a few weeks ago, when the sun began setting later and the weather warmed up. It seemed like everyone was talking about it: hipsters wearing New Coke t-shirts at outdoor cafes, your cool aunt smoking in the park, poets with published chapbooks walking their dogs, incessantly on their social media. Unfortunately, the uneducated swine at FOX, hellbent on destroying anything that gives…

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Turns Out Hitler Ruined Another Cool Symbol For Everybody

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By: Jason Elewski Braunau am Inn, Austria— Remember that cool pointy S that you loved to draw in middle school? As it turns out, Hitler loved to draw it too, you goddamn Nazi. Storage bidders in Austria, much like the stars of the A&E show Storage Wars, discovered a locker this weekend containing what appears to be family keepsakes previously owned by the parents of former Nazi frontman, Adolf Hitler. As if Hitler couldn’t be any more of a historic bummer, it appears he’s still harshing everyone’s vibe from beyond the grave. Discovered in a box labeled “Addie’s 5th grade…

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Indiana Changes State Motto To “Well Fuck You Too”

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By: Ross Childs INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Indiana State Legislatures have voted to change the official state motto from “The Crossroads of America” to “Well, Fuck You Too”. This decision came after a lengthy debate about how Indiana wishes to present itself to not only the rest of the United States. But to the rest of the world as well. State representatives felt that the new motto best represented Indiana and its citizenry. Many Indianians seem to be in total agreement. Governor Eric Holcomb commented on the change, “If we’re being honest, the old ‘Crossroads’ motto just never felt sincere. Crossroads…

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Peace Treaty Signed After Puppy Enters Negotiating Room

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By: Ross Childs SEOUL, S KOREA — This is a historic moment. For the first time in more than half a century, the leaders of two warring nations, Kim Jong Un from North Korea, and Moon Jae-in from South Korea, finally sat down with each other to iron out a peace treaty with a focus on denuclearization. But when it seemed like neither nation wished to back down from certain demands of the other, it looked like negotiations would break down almost as soon as they began. However, the day was saved when Spunky, a Cocker Spaniel puppy owned by…

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Movie Explosions Form Union After Unfair Treatment From Michael Bay

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By: Ross Childs HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a series of shocking accusations of mistreatment and unfair pay were levied against Michael Bay, several movie explosions have formed a union to hopefully get the famed director to agree to more equitable conditions. Bay employs hundreds, if not thousands, of Hollywood’s most notable fiery explosions, but even the hardest working boom-booms have turned out in support. “It’s a crying shame,” Demolition Dale, one of the gas truck explosions from Bad Boys 2 said in a recent comment, “folks try to downplay our roles as ‘flash in the pan,’ but we literally blow our asses…

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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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Man Afraid Country Becoming Sharia Law Police State Content With Current Christian Law Police State

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By: Maximilian Stolte LAFAYETTE, LA—America and Europe’s white and Christian populations have become increasingly emboldened to physically and verbally attack Muslim minorities in their countries. A flyer passed around the UK titled “Punish A Muslim Day” may be the most blatant example of the intolerance toward people of the Muslim faith. One reason cited, and one that really resonates with local pipe fitter Bubba Thompson, is the fear that their country’s current Christian law police state will be replaced with a Sharia law police state. “We live in a country that makes laws based on the religion that I believe…

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