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The latest coverage on the apocalypse that people call politics.

Cute Talking Raccoon Only Talks About Libertarian Party

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Get ready to wet your pants with excitement! There’s a talking Raccoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo!  The animal, affectionately named “Zippo”, has been dishing out smiles and wonder to visitors every day since his arrival two weeks ago. People just can’t seem to get enough of his cute furry face, his cute fuzzy tale, and his cute endorsement of the Libertarian Party! Zippo has only been here less than a month, but he’s already become one of the most popular attractions at the Lincoln Park Zoo. “He’s so adorable,” says Abigail, age 10. “He loves…

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Shame: This Fetus Would’ve Been Subway’s Two-Billionth Customer If It Weren’t Aborted

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By: Nicholas Anthony Scutti If you’re pro-life, get those tissues out and ready. It was announced a few hours ago that a three month old fetus, the one who would’ve been Subway’s two-billionth customer, was aborted, never to develop to full term to know what a Subway sandwich would taste like. The fetus, who would’ve been named Tommy (or Sandra if it was a girl), was destined from the beginning of time to be crowned as Subway’s two billionth customer while ordering a Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt in 2047. But thanks to a seven-to-two majority from the godless Supreme Court…

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Southwest To Replace Seats With Passengers

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By: Jack Hutsey DALLAS, TX—Southwest plans to roll out new, consumer-friendly seating: other paying customers. The new seats will have all the accoutrements of previous Southwest seats: cushions, armrests, and plenty of legroom. These new models have the new feature of bad breath and souls. “We heard our customers loud and clear,” Harriet Plough, Southwest Public Relations Director, said. “What is more comfortable and comforting than the touch of another human being? A gentle caress. Brushing up against you. Letting you know it’s going to be okay.” Wanna Get Away passengers will have open seating on whatever passenger isn’t occupied.…

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Got ‘Em: Drumpf Must Resign After Improv Team Torches Him In Last Night’s Set

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By: Jack Hutsey CHICAGO, IL—Pack your shit, “President” Trump. We’d be surprised if Krumpf can even sit down after the scorching treatment Chicago improv troupe, Ben & Jerrymander, dished out in last night’s set. The veteran team of 24-year olds received the suggestion of “zucchini” and immediately went to work, drilling the Commander-in-Grief with wordplay and puns that would make William Shakespeare nut into a Dixie cup. “We were just on top of our game,” BJ Waters said. “I started a scene about gentrification, and J-Bone [Jacopo Dandelbaum] took it to a new place with his character, Cheeto Hands.” After…

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Man Desperately Searching For Life Lesson That Will End Body Swap With Henry Kissinger

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By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY– Famed former Secretary of State and geopolitical expert Henry Kissinger, 95, stunned reporters at a recent press conference by announcing that he had swapped bodies with Manhattan dentist Dr. Henry Richardson, 49, and was desperately trying to determine how to return to his own body. “Please – somebody has to call my wife. She doesn’t believe me,” Richardson croaked in the distinctive German accent of the architect of Cold War diplomacy. “Why is this happening?” Richardson expressed confusion as to why his consciousness had been transported into the corporeal form of the man who…

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New MoviePass Terms Mandate Polygraph, Urine Tests After Each Showing

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By: Jake Dierksheide NEW YORK, NY—In another controversial move, MoviePass updated their terms of service again on Monday. According to the press release from CEO Mitch Lowe: effective immediately all MoviePass users will be required to sit down for a 38-question interrogation while wired to a lie detector, as well as ship samples of blood and urine to MoviePass Headquarters for analysis. The company, which offers near-unlimited free movies to users for the price of one half of one movie a month, has been hemorrhaging money since striking mainstream popularity last fall. “I’ve finally cracked it!’ exclaimed a disheveled and…

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Little Leaguer Signs With Team For Unprecedented 10-Pizza Party Deal

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By: Shelby Dollartree PARMA, OH—Allowing teams to court him for the past month, shortstop Tyler Garcia has set a new standard in the world of little league baseball. Receiving offers ranging from ice cream nights to post-game snack bags, he has finally signed with the Little Tigers for an unprecedented deal. “I thought and prayed on this for a long time and I had to admit to myself, my family, and my friends that I’m worth more than 1 or 2 pizza parties per season. I’m a 10-pizza party player,” said Garcia, 11, adding that he really likes pepperoni pizzas…

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School Shootings Hit Record Low This Summer Despite Unchanged Gun Laws

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By: Harold Castle Washington D.C.—Amidst demonstrations from students demanding gun reform and an unwavering NRA funded GOP, the number of incidents involving guns in schools has dropped to almost zero this summer. While it’s too early to know exactly why this phenomena is happening, some lawmakers on Capitol Hill have a hunch it’s no coincidence. Arizona Senator John McCain attributes the decline to the rising temperatures. “When it’s nice outside everyone is happy. There’s no wonder we aren’t seeing mass shootings in schools this summer. I’m not saying climate change is real, but if it were would it be that…

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Jimmy John’s Reveals Gay Sandwich For Next Year’s Pride

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By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—June is over, which marks an end to Pride Month, the nationwide celebration of the LGBTQ+ community, but sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is just getting started. Their social media team has just unveiled concept photos for their “Gay Sandwich” for Pride 2019 and all we have to say is YAS KWEEN. Jimmy John’s Facebook posted, “Hunty, our mouths are already watering!” Attached is a picture of the freshly made loaf of Rainbow Bread, a multicolored whole wheat loaf that appears to have specks of glitter throughout. The post also includes several tagged celebrities such as RuPaul,…

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Hot Singles In Your Area Cease Ineffective Ad Campaign

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By: Zack Peercy YOUR AREA, USA—You’ve seen it in the top right corner of your browser while you watch “Step Sis Catches You Watching Porn”. It’s popped up after you’ve skipped around “Gaping Anal Compilation”. You may have even noticed it in your youth while playing “Sailor Moon Dress Up Flash Game” on Newgrounds.com. It’s the Hot Singles In Your Area ad campaign, and soon you won’t be able to see it pop up ever again. It’s a sad day for the internet, but even more sad for real local singles who wanted nothing more than to meet you and…

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