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Jimmy John’s Reveals Gay Sandwich For Next Year’s Pride

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By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—June is over, which marks an end to Pride Month, the nationwide celebration of the LGBTQ+ community, but sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is just getting started. Their social media team has just unveiled concept photos for their “Gay Sandwich” for Pride 2019 and all we have to say is YAS KWEEN. Jimmy John’s Facebook posted, “Hunty, our mouths are already watering!” Attached is a picture of the freshly made loaf of Rainbow Bread, a multicolored whole wheat loaf that appears to have specks of glitter throughout. The post also includes several tagged celebrities such as RuPaul,…

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Hot Singles In Your Area Cease Ineffective Ad Campaign

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By: Zack Peercy YOUR AREA, USA—You’ve seen it in the top right corner of your browser while you watch “Step Sis Catches You Watching Porn”. It’s popped up after you’ve skipped around “Gaping Anal Compilation”. You may have even noticed it in your youth while playing “Sailor Moon Dress Up Flash Game” on Newgrounds.com. It’s the Hot Singles In Your Area ad campaign, and soon you won’t be able to see it pop up ever again. It’s a sad day for the internet, but even more sad for real local singles who wanted nothing more than to meet you and…

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FOX Cancels Happiness

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By: Zack Peercy Los Angeles, CA—Continuing the string of recent cancellations including Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Last Man on Earth, and The Mick, FOX has now cancelled Happiness after a brief broadcast between winter and mid-spring. Happiness popped up only a few weeks ago, when the sun began setting later and the weather warmed up. It seemed like everyone was talking about it: hipsters wearing New Coke t-shirts at outdoor cafes, your cool aunt smoking in the park, poets with published chapbooks walking their dogs, incessantly on their social media. Unfortunately, the uneducated swine at FOX, hellbent on destroying anything that gives…

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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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Build-A-Bear Workshop Raises Age Limits On Grenade-Stuffed Bears

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by Jason Elewski ST. LOUIS, MO—Starting today, Build-A-Bear workshops across the country will no longer sell their popular Boom Boom Bears to children under the age of 11. The decision comes  after other chains like Dick’s, Walmart, and Kroger have begun to restrict the sale of weapons to younger buyers, while TJ Maxx and TJX companies have discontinued sales of rocket launchers altogether. CEOs acted quick to make policy changes following the shooting at Columbine High School in 1999. The fully customizable bears will still include t-shirts, hats, scarves, shoes, pants, monkey hair, listening devices, razor blades, and real blood…

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Elon Musk Announces Plan To Launch Every Car Into Space By 2040

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By: Huck Poe BEL AIR, CA – Elon Musk recently made history by launching a “Space Oddity”-blasting cherry-red Tesla Roadster into orbit around Mars – but it turns out that’s just the beginning for the tech magnate and inventor. Today, Musk and SpaceX announced a plan to launch every existing motorized vehicle into orbit around a celestial body in our solar system by the year 2040. “We’re very excited about our Falcon Heavy rocket launch, but this represents a much bigger victory for SpaceX and people all over the world,” said Musk in a post-launch press conference, “With the success…

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New Uber Pool For Singles Lets Users Speed Date On Their Commute

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By: Maximilian Stolte NEW YORK, NY—Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi announced this morning that Uber is rolling out a new rideshare option for users that will allow them to speed date on their morning commute. Uber Pool Singles let’s riders split fares with up to two other riders and get to know them intimately without worrying if their advances are unwanted or not. Responding to many complaints of uncomfortable and unwanted interactions with drivers and other passengers, Uber has decided to take the guess work out of the equation and put singles seeking romantic partners in the fast lane to finding…

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Work Holiday Party To Be Filled With Equal Parts Fun And Regret

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By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—The law firm Abrahamson, Vorachek & Levinson is gearing up for its annual holiday party and, if last year is any indicator, its shaping up to be an absolute shit show. While attendees of last year’s party will agree that the party was incredibly fun for the employees and included free drinks, the shame and regret that came the next business day were equal enough to cancel out any joy experienced. Attorney Martin Pratt recapped his memory of last year’s party stating, “It was a bit fuzzy the next morning, but when I woke up to…

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Good Samaritan! This Guy Didn’t Tip His Barista Until He Confirmed That She Was Watching

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By: Jason Elewski Score one for kind people everywhere! Most would agree that the best part of working in the service industry is the look of appreciation on a customer’s face. It also doesn’t hurt if a patron shows their gratitude with a little something-something from their pocketbook. Understanding the employee/customer dynamic all too well from his time working at a Quiznos for 3 months when he was 17-years old, local empath Sam Hemsworth managed to execute the dropping of a 1 dollar tip just as the barista’s gaze shifted back toward him. Some would call this fortunate timing, but…

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