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Shame: This Fetus Would’ve Been Subway’s Two-Billionth Customer If It Weren’t Aborted

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By: Nicholas Anthony Scutti If you’re pro-life, get those tissues out and ready. It was announced a few hours ago that a three month old fetus, the one who would’ve been Subway’s two-billionth customer, was aborted, never to develop to full term to know what a Subway sandwich would taste like. The fetus, who would’ve been named Tommy (or Sandra if it was a girl), was destined from the beginning of time to be crowned as Subway’s two billionth customer while ordering a Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt in 2047. But thanks to a seven-to-two majority from the godless Supreme Court…

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Southwest To Replace Seats With Passengers

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By: Jack Hutsey DALLAS, TX—Southwest plans to roll out new, consumer-friendly seating: other paying customers. The new seats will have all the accoutrements of previous Southwest seats: cushions, armrests, and plenty of legroom. These new models have the new feature of bad breath and souls. “We heard our customers loud and clear,” Harriet Plough, Southwest Public Relations Director, said. “What is more comfortable and comforting than the touch of another human being? A gentle caress. Brushing up against you. Letting you know it’s going to be okay.” Wanna Get Away passengers will have open seating on whatever passenger isn’t occupied.…

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New MoviePass Terms Mandate Polygraph, Urine Tests After Each Showing

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By: Jake Dierksheide NEW YORK, NY—In another controversial move, MoviePass updated their terms of service again on Monday. According to the press release from CEO Mitch Lowe: effective immediately all MoviePass users will be required to sit down for a 38-question interrogation while wired to a lie detector, as well as ship samples of blood and urine to MoviePass Headquarters for analysis. The company, which offers near-unlimited free movies to users for the price of one half of one movie a month, has been hemorrhaging money since striking mainstream popularity last fall. “I’ve finally cracked it!’ exclaimed a disheveled and…

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Little Leaguer Signs With Team For Unprecedented 10-Pizza Party Deal

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By: Shelby Dollartree PARMA, OH—Allowing teams to court him for the past month, shortstop Tyler Garcia has set a new standard in the world of little league baseball. Receiving offers ranging from ice cream nights to post-game snack bags, he has finally signed with the Little Tigers for an unprecedented deal. “I thought and prayed on this for a long time and I had to admit to myself, my family, and my friends that I’m worth more than 1 or 2 pizza parties per season. I’m a 10-pizza party player,” said Garcia, 11, adding that he really likes pepperoni pizzas…

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Jimmy John’s Reveals Gay Sandwich For Next Year’s Pride

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By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—June is over, which marks an end to Pride Month, the nationwide celebration of the LGBTQ+ community, but sandwich chain Jimmy John’s is just getting started. Their social media team has just unveiled concept photos for their “Gay Sandwich” for Pride 2019 and all we have to say is YAS KWEEN. Jimmy John’s Facebook posted, “Hunty, our mouths are already watering!” Attached is a picture of the freshly made loaf of Rainbow Bread, a multicolored whole wheat loaf that appears to have specks of glitter throughout. The post also includes several tagged celebrities such as RuPaul,…

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Hot Singles In Your Area Cease Ineffective Ad Campaign

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By: Zack Peercy YOUR AREA, USA—You’ve seen it in the top right corner of your browser while you watch “Step Sis Catches You Watching Porn”. It’s popped up after you’ve skipped around “Gaping Anal Compilation”. You may have even noticed it in your youth while playing “Sailor Moon Dress Up Flash Game” on Newgrounds.com. It’s the Hot Singles In Your Area ad campaign, and soon you won’t be able to see it pop up ever again. It’s a sad day for the internet, but even more sad for real local singles who wanted nothing more than to meet you and…

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FOX Cancels Happiness

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By: Zack Peercy Los Angeles, CA—Continuing the string of recent cancellations including Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Last Man on Earth, and The Mick, FOX has now cancelled Happiness after a brief broadcast between winter and mid-spring. Happiness popped up only a few weeks ago, when the sun began setting later and the weather warmed up. It seemed like everyone was talking about it: hipsters wearing New Coke t-shirts at outdoor cafes, your cool aunt smoking in the park, poets with published chapbooks walking their dogs, incessantly on their social media. Unfortunately, the uneducated swine at FOX, hellbent on destroying anything that gives…

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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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Build-A-Bear Workshop Raises Age Limits On Grenade-Stuffed Bears

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by Jason Elewski ST. LOUIS, MO—Starting today, Build-A-Bear workshops across the country will no longer sell their popular Boom Boom Bears to children under the age of 11. The decision comes  after other chains like Dick’s, Walmart, and Kroger have begun to restrict the sale of weapons to younger buyers, while TJ Maxx and TJX companies have discontinued sales of rocket launchers altogether. CEOs acted quick to make policy changes following the shooting at Columbine High School in 1999. The fully customizable bears will still include t-shirts, hats, scarves, shoes, pants, monkey hair, listening devices, razor blades, and real blood…

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Elon Musk Announces Plan To Launch Every Car Into Space By 2040

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By: Huck Poe BEL AIR, CA – Elon Musk recently made history by launching a “Space Oddity”-blasting cherry-red Tesla Roadster into orbit around Mars – but it turns out that’s just the beginning for the tech magnate and inventor. Today, Musk and SpaceX announced a plan to launch every existing motorized vehicle into orbit around a celestial body in our solar system by the year 2040. “We’re very excited about our Falcon Heavy rocket launch, but this represents a much bigger victory for SpaceX and people all over the world,” said Musk in a post-launch press conference, “With the success…

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