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Neil Degrasse Tyson learned everything he knows from the science section of Word Brothel.

World’s Smartest Dog Uses Utensils To Eat Garbage

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By: Jack Ritchey SCHAUMBURG, IL – This week researchers at the American Veterinary Medical Association concluded a ten-billion dollar study on the intelligence of the domesticated canine. Tests were conducted on several leading dogs for language skills, cognitive reasoning, and ability to determine if an owner was gone forever after leaving the house. And at the end of the study, 11 year-old Guffman was found to be the world’s smartest dog. In a presentation of the animal’s superior intellect, the press got to watch as the short-eared basset used a napkin and successfully manipulated a fork and knife to eat…

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8 Ways To Fix Your Fragile Masculinity With Duct Tape

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By: Jennifer Allman 1. Tape your testicles and penis together to form MEGA MEMBER! Unlike your once-fragile male ego, Mega Member is unstoppable! Less susceptible to rogue groin punches and injuries from sports balls, Mega Member is the Optimus Prime of your genitalia. Grab 10-24 inches of duct tape (you know how much you’ll need) and wrap the boys up to finally live a care-free life! Nothing’s hurting your feelings or your junk, bruh. 2. Use duct tape to make fingerless gloves to protect your widdle hands from weak, feminine influences like antibacterial soap, hydrating hand lotion, and platonic hand-holding…

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I Look Fat In Pictures Because I’m Fat

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By: Madeleine Russell There’s an old episode of Friends where the gang is watching old home movies of fat, young Monica and her BFF Rachel going to prom. Monica, horrified at her rotund, disgusting, unfuckable, inexcusable fatness declares, “The camera adds 10 pounds!” And Chandler, that old rascal, responds, “How many cameras are on you right now?” Everyone has a good chuckle at Monica’s expense. She looks fat in that home movie….because she is fat. We’re all fat. We all look fat in pictures. America is the fattest country on earth. Fatter than France and they shoot foie gras out…

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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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Feminist Astronaut Designs First Non-Phallic Shuttle

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By: Mike Maxwell CAPE CENTRAL, FL–2018 is already a quarter over but the scientific strides are being made. Elon Musk and his SpaceX company were first to show a reusable orbital class rocket. As if funding his own innovative rocket launch wasn’t enough, he fastened one of his Tesla cars to the rocket. Space, is the final frontier of the proverbial pissing match. Enter Anna Pennington, the UK’s phenom astronaut and staunch feminist, who brought a game changing design to space exploration. “Every space shuttle launches the same way, lands the same way, and is designed the same way. The…

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Gateway Concert: Dave Matthews Band Could Lead Your Children To Dangerous Bands Like Phish

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—American rock band Dave Matthews Band, or as attendees of their seemingly benign concerts call them, “DMB”, is gearing up for their summer tour and once again unexpecting children will be exposed to the seeds of concert-going. On the surface, their concert events appear to allow fans to revisit nostalgic radio rock performed live by a wavering-voiced Dave Matthews. Below the surface and behind the clouds of one-hitter smoke lies something more sinister: a gateway to dangerous, life ruining jam bands like Phish or, heaven forbid, Dead and Company. Dave Matthews Band themselves aren’t entirely malevolent.…

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Scientists Finally Invent Humidifier That Won’t Spill On Your Goddam Dresser

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By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL – Just in time for the tail end of the dry season, scientists have stumbled onto a breakthrough in first world comfort.  Humid off the presses comes a new brand of humidifier that will not spill water all over the users dresser, vanity or floor. While scientists have been pleased with their findings, the discovery was actually a by-product of unrelated experiments to develop an envelope licking machine. Big Moisture as a whole has been developing a lot of new products to address many burgeoning liquid related consumer needs. Reports this winter show record numbers…

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Is It Crazy To Be Crazy?

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LECHEROUS ADVICE By: Lech Czerwinski Is it crazy to be crazy? -OuttaMyMind The bills are piling up. Copay after copay, out of pocket after out of pocket. Therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, and yes even the occasional rent-a-pet (even though I already have one but I don’t trust the judgy bitch). How the hell am I going to afford all this? Growing up I always admired the offbeat characters in literature, the zany sidekicks, and the nonsensical nihilists. Turns out though, in real life, it’s not cheap being crazy. Well, at least while still trying to play by the rules of society…

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Elon Musk Announces Plan To Launch Every Car Into Space By 2040

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By: Huck Poe BEL AIR, CA – Elon Musk recently made history by launching a “Space Oddity”-blasting cherry-red Tesla Roadster into orbit around Mars – but it turns out that’s just the beginning for the tech magnate and inventor. Today, Musk and SpaceX announced a plan to launch every existing motorized vehicle into orbit around a celestial body in our solar system by the year 2040. “We’re very excited about our Falcon Heavy rocket launch, but this represents a much bigger victory for SpaceX and people all over the world,” said Musk in a post-launch press conference, “With the success…

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When This Scientist Couldn’t Find A Cure For Cancer She Found A Way To Give It To Everyone Who Didn’t Have It

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By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—Early this morning at her laboratory downtown, cancer researcher Maria Martinez was working tirelessly towards finding a cure for a disease which claims the lives of roughly 8 million people a year. While many others in her field gave up hope on finding a cure, Martinez made a groundbreaking discovery that changed the hearts and minds of everyone in her field. If she couldn’t find a cure for the disease, she very well could find a way to give it to everyone who didn’t have it. As any cancer patient can tell you, the treatment of…

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