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Neil Degrasse Tyson learned everything he knows from the science section of Word Brothel.

Light Yogurt Not Working As Substitution For Karen’s Existential Dread

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By: Josie Benedetti Chicago, IL— Administrative Assistant Karen Bundy was looking for something to eliminate the crushing weight of her meaningless existence and some of that pesky weight from her midsection. She found that Yoplait’s new light yogurt options left her still hungry for death and more high calorie snacks later in the day. Bundy was on her morning commute Tuesday when absolutely nothing in her monotonous life changed at all. Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported that Bundy arrived looking worn down, robotic in her movements, and had a general lack of life behind her cold, dead eyes. At lunch, Bundy…

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What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

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By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and…

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STUDY: Those Eight Spiders You Swallow In Your Sleep Can Lay Eggs

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By: Zack Peercy (Burlington, VT) – Despite recent widespread acceptance of the fact that the average human swallows eight spiders in a lifetime, a new study from the University of Vermont is here to say that those eight spiders we all swallow can lay eggs. In fact, they probably already have. The study, conducted by UVM’s Biology department’s Masters candidates, provides key symptoms for anyone to self-diagnose that they definitely have live spiders actively laying eggs that will hatch inside their stomachs. Seven Key Symptoms: Waking Up With Scratchy Throat A sore or scratchy throat in the morning is a…

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2017-18 SAT Scores Prove Once Again Humans Smartest Mammal

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By: Jake Dierksheide As the school year closes, scores for the Scholastic Aptitude Test, commonly referred to as the SATs, have been released for the 2017-18 school year. According to an early study performed by the National Association for Testing Criteria of Humans (NATCH) the trends in these scores provide further evidence toward a theory that has been a long-standing mantra of the scientific community: that Humans are super smart and and better than anything else with hair. This year’s average national combined math and reading score for humans was 1060, up 20 points from that group’s numbers in the…

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Husband Released Back Into Society After Fad Diet

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By: Mike Maxwell Palatine, IL –This Friday marked the triumphant close of a grueling journey for Ryan Knowles as he finished his first ever relationship induced dieting regiment. Knowles, a husband to soulmate Kasha, has avoided three joint dieting efforts. The Whole 30 will forever be his caloric nemesis. Wikipedia summarizes The Whole 30 as a fad diet that emphasizes whole foods in which participants eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, soy, dairy, and social acceptance. “Kasha tried to get me on a cleanse back when we dated, then it was going vegan which was pointless because I lived a half…

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World’s Smartest Dog Uses Utensils To Eat Garbage

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By: Jack Ritchey SCHAUMBURG, IL – This week researchers at the American Veterinary Medical Association concluded a ten-billion dollar study on the intelligence of the domesticated canine. Tests were conducted on several leading dogs for language skills, cognitive reasoning, and ability to determine if an owner was gone forever after leaving the house. And at the end of the study, 11 year-old Guffman was found to be the world’s smartest dog. In a presentation of the animal’s superior intellect, the press got to watch as the short-eared basset used a napkin and successfully manipulated a fork and knife to eat…

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8 Ways To Fix Your Fragile Masculinity With Duct Tape

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By: Jennifer Allman 1. Tape your testicles and penis together to form MEGA MEMBER! Unlike your once-fragile male ego, Mega Member is unstoppable! Less susceptible to rogue groin punches and injuries from sports balls, Mega Member is the Optimus Prime of your genitalia. Grab 10-24 inches of duct tape (you know how much you’ll need) and wrap the boys up to finally live a care-free life! Nothing’s hurting your feelings or your junk, bruh. 2. Use duct tape to make fingerless gloves to protect your widdle hands from weak, feminine influences like antibacterial soap, hydrating hand lotion, and platonic hand-holding…

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I Look Fat In Pictures Because I’m Fat

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By: Madeleine Russell There’s an old episode of Friends where the gang is watching old home movies of fat, young Monica and her BFF Rachel going to prom. Monica, horrified at her rotund, disgusting, unfuckable, inexcusable fatness declares, “The camera adds 10 pounds!” And Chandler, that old rascal, responds, “How many cameras are on you right now?” Everyone has a good chuckle at Monica’s expense. She looks fat in that home movie….because she is fat. We’re all fat. We all look fat in pictures. America is the fattest country on earth. Fatter than France and they shoot foie gras out…

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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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Feminist Astronaut Designs First Non-Phallic Shuttle

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By: Mike Maxwell CAPE CENTRAL, FL–2018 is already a quarter over but the scientific strides are being made. Elon Musk and his SpaceX company were first to show a reusable orbital class rocket. As if funding his own innovative rocket launch wasn’t enough, he fastened one of his Tesla cars to the rocket. Space, is the final frontier of the proverbial pissing match. Enter Anna Pennington, the UK’s phenom astronaut and staunch feminist, who brought a game changing design to space exploration. “Every space shuttle launches the same way, lands the same way, and is designed the same way. The…

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