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Health

Diet, exercise, and good health are things that our editor made us write about.

Light Yogurt Not Working As Substitution For Karen’s Existential Dread

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By: Josie Benedetti Chicago, IL— Administrative Assistant Karen Bundy was looking for something to eliminate the crushing weight of her meaningless existence and some of that pesky weight from her midsection. She found that Yoplait’s new light yogurt options left her still hungry for death and more high calorie snacks later in the day. Bundy was on her morning commute Tuesday when absolutely nothing in her monotonous life changed at all. Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported that Bundy arrived looking worn down, robotic in her movements, and had a general lack of life behind her cold, dead eyes. At lunch, Bundy…

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STUDY: Those Eight Spiders You Swallow In Your Sleep Can Lay Eggs

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By: Zack Peercy (Burlington, VT) – Despite recent widespread acceptance of the fact that the average human swallows eight spiders in a lifetime, a new study from the University of Vermont is here to say that those eight spiders we all swallow can lay eggs. In fact, they probably already have. The study, conducted by UVM’s Biology department’s Masters candidates, provides key symptoms for anyone to self-diagnose that they definitely have live spiders actively laying eggs that will hatch inside their stomachs. Seven Key Symptoms: Waking Up With Scratchy Throat A sore or scratchy throat in the morning is a…

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Husband Released Back Into Society After Fad Diet

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By: Mike Maxwell Palatine, IL –This Friday marked the triumphant close of a grueling journey for Ryan Knowles as he finished his first ever relationship induced dieting regiment. Knowles, a husband to soulmate Kasha, has avoided three joint dieting efforts. The Whole 30 will forever be his caloric nemesis. Wikipedia summarizes The Whole 30 as a fad diet that emphasizes whole foods in which participants eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, soy, dairy, and social acceptance. “Kasha tried to get me on a cleanse back when we dated, then it was going vegan which was pointless because I lived a half…

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8 Ways To Fix Your Fragile Masculinity With Duct Tape

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By: Jennifer Allman 1. Tape your testicles and penis together to form MEGA MEMBER! Unlike your once-fragile male ego, Mega Member is unstoppable! Less susceptible to rogue groin punches and injuries from sports balls, Mega Member is the Optimus Prime of your genitalia. Grab 10-24 inches of duct tape (you know how much you’ll need) and wrap the boys up to finally live a care-free life! Nothing’s hurting your feelings or your junk, bruh. 2. Use duct tape to make fingerless gloves to protect your widdle hands from weak, feminine influences like antibacterial soap, hydrating hand lotion, and platonic hand-holding…

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I Look Fat In Pictures Because I’m Fat

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By: Madeleine Russell There’s an old episode of Friends where the gang is watching old home movies of fat, young Monica and her BFF Rachel going to prom. Monica, horrified at her rotund, disgusting, unfuckable, inexcusable fatness declares, “The camera adds 10 pounds!” And Chandler, that old rascal, responds, “How many cameras are on you right now?” Everyone has a good chuckle at Monica’s expense. She looks fat in that home movie….because she is fat. We’re all fat. We all look fat in pictures. America is the fattest country on earth. Fatter than France and they shoot foie gras out…

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Gateway Concert: Dave Matthews Band Could Lead Your Children To Dangerous Bands Like Phish

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—American rock band Dave Matthews Band, or as attendees of their seemingly benign concerts call them, “DMB”, is gearing up for their summer tour and once again unexpecting children will be exposed to the seeds of concert-going. On the surface, their concert events appear to allow fans to revisit nostalgic radio rock performed live by a wavering-voiced Dave Matthews. Below the surface and behind the clouds of one-hitter smoke lies something more sinister: a gateway to dangerous, life ruining jam bands like Phish or, heaven forbid, Dead and Company. Dave Matthews Band themselves aren’t entirely malevolent.…

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Is It Crazy To Be Crazy?

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LECHEROUS ADVICE By: Lech Czerwinski Is it crazy to be crazy? -OuttaMyMind The bills are piling up. Copay after copay, out of pocket after out of pocket. Therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, and yes even the occasional rent-a-pet (even though I already have one but I don’t trust the judgy bitch). How the hell am I going to afford all this? Growing up I always admired the offbeat characters in literature, the zany sidekicks, and the nonsensical nihilists. Turns out though, in real life, it’s not cheap being crazy. Well, at least while still trying to play by the rules of society…

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When This Scientist Couldn’t Find A Cure For Cancer She Found A Way To Give It To Everyone Who Didn’t Have It

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By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—Early this morning at her laboratory downtown, cancer researcher Maria Martinez was working tirelessly towards finding a cure for a disease which claims the lives of roughly 8 million people a year. While many others in her field gave up hope on finding a cure, Martinez made a groundbreaking discovery that changed the hearts and minds of everyone in her field. If she couldn’t find a cure for the disease, she very well could find a way to give it to everyone who didn’t have it. As any cancer patient can tell you, the treatment of…

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Area Toddler In Critical Condition After Swallowing Healing Crystal

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By: Huck Poe MISSOULA, MT– After accidentally swallowing a chrysoprase crystal last night, local 2-year-old Tanner Wasson was admitted to the pediatric ICU at Community Medical Center in critical condition. Lori Wasson, Tanner’s mother, left the crystal on the boy’s chest when she put him to bed at 8 p.m. “Tanner was having a difficult teething day, and I was hoping the chrysoprase would help him center his heart chakra and give him a good night’s rest,” said Wasson. After hearing Tanner violently coughing over a baby monitor, Wasson rushed to his bedroom with blue lace agate, a crystal believed…

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Local Man To Quit Smoking For Rest Of Winter

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL —Early this morning, met with a gush of 5 degree winter wind, a local man by the name of Seth Chapman quickly decided to skip his morning cigarette and went promptly back inside his apartment. This reportedly started the first day of his winter-long sabbatical from smoking. “It’s just getting too cold outside to feed my addiction. I’d like to say I’ve kicked the habit for good, but come springtime I’m sure I’ll be back to a pack a day,” Chapman remarked from the warmth of his temperature controlled domicile. According to upstairs neighbors, smells…

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