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Diet, exercise, and good health are things that our editor made us write about.

8 Ways To Fix Your Fragile Masculinity With Duct Tape

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By: Jennifer Allman 1. Tape your testicles and penis together to form MEGA MEMBER! Unlike your once-fragile male ego, Mega Member is unstoppable! Less susceptible to rogue groin punches and injuries from sports balls, Mega Member is the Optimus Prime of your genitalia. Grab 10-24 inches of duct tape (you know how much you’ll need) and wrap the boys up to finally live a care-free life! Nothing’s hurting your feelings or your junk, bruh. 2. Use duct tape to make fingerless gloves to protect your widdle hands from weak, feminine influences like antibacterial soap, hydrating hand lotion, and platonic hand-holding…

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I Look Fat In Pictures Because I’m Fat

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By: Madeleine Russell There’s an old episode of Friends where the gang is watching old home movies of fat, young Monica and her BFF Rachel going to prom. Monica, horrified at her rotund, disgusting, unfuckable, inexcusable fatness declares, “The camera adds 10 pounds!” And Chandler, that old rascal, responds, “How many cameras are on you right now?” Everyone has a good chuckle at Monica’s expense. She looks fat in that home movie….because she is fat. We’re all fat. We all look fat in pictures. America is the fattest country on earth. Fatter than France and they shoot foie gras out…

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Gateway Concert: Dave Matthews Band Could Lead Your Children To Dangerous Bands Like Phish

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—American rock band Dave Matthews Band, or as attendees of their seemingly benign concerts call them, “DMB”, is gearing up for their summer tour and once again unexpecting children will be exposed to the seeds of concert-going. On the surface, their concert events appear to allow fans to revisit nostalgic radio rock performed live by a wavering-voiced Dave Matthews. Below the surface and behind the clouds of one-hitter smoke lies something more sinister: a gateway to dangerous, life ruining jam bands like Phish or, heaven forbid, Dead and Company. Dave Matthews Band themselves aren’t entirely malevolent.…

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Is It Crazy To Be Crazy?

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LECHEROUS ADVICE By: Lech Czerwinski Is it crazy to be crazy? -OuttaMyMind The bills are piling up. Copay after copay, out of pocket after out of pocket. Therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, and yes even the occasional rent-a-pet (even though I already have one but I don’t trust the judgy bitch). How the hell am I going to afford all this? Growing up I always admired the offbeat characters in literature, the zany sidekicks, and the nonsensical nihilists. Turns out though, in real life, it’s not cheap being crazy. Well, at least while still trying to play by the rules of society…

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When This Scientist Couldn’t Find A Cure For Cancer She Found A Way To Give It To Everyone Who Didn’t Have It

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By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—Early this morning at her laboratory downtown, cancer researcher Maria Martinez was working tirelessly towards finding a cure for a disease which claims the lives of roughly 8 million people a year. While many others in her field gave up hope on finding a cure, Martinez made a groundbreaking discovery that changed the hearts and minds of everyone in her field. If she couldn’t find a cure for the disease, she very well could find a way to give it to everyone who didn’t have it. As any cancer patient can tell you, the treatment of…

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Area Toddler In Critical Condition After Swallowing Healing Crystal

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By: Huck Poe MISSOULA, MT– After accidentally swallowing a chrysoprase crystal last night, local 2-year-old Tanner Wasson was admitted to the pediatric ICU at Community Medical Center in critical condition. Lori Wasson, Tanner’s mother, left the crystal on the boy’s chest when she put him to bed at 8 p.m. “Tanner was having a difficult teething day, and I was hoping the chrysoprase would help him center his heart chakra and give him a good night’s rest,” said Wasson. After hearing Tanner violently coughing over a baby monitor, Wasson rushed to his bedroom with blue lace agate, a crystal believed…

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Local Man To Quit Smoking For Rest Of Winter

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL —Early this morning, met with a gush of 5 degree winter wind, a local man by the name of Seth Chapman quickly decided to skip his morning cigarette and went promptly back inside his apartment. This reportedly started the first day of his winter-long sabbatical from smoking. “It’s just getting too cold outside to feed my addiction. I’d like to say I’ve kicked the habit for good, but come springtime I’m sure I’ll be back to a pack a day,” Chapman remarked from the warmth of his temperature controlled domicile. According to upstairs neighbors, smells…

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Trump’s Gigantic Dick Is Extremely Impotent And He Doesn’t Have A Clue Whether Or Not To Call This Fake News

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By: Jason Elewski WASHINGTON DC—Like a virus spreading illness through its host, #fakenews has infected the 24 hour news cycle. Incapable of deciphering the authentic from the fraudulent, Americans have turned to the nation’s most stable genius to tell them what can be trusted. Until now, president Donald Trump’s Twitter page has served as a Rosetta Stone of sorts, calling foul on bogus stories from phony institutions like the failing New York Times, stupid NBC, and poopy pants NPR. Unfortunately, we at Word Brothel, unable to discern what’s credible, have written this piece reporting that Donald Trump’s enormous monster dick…

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Doctor Cures Jay-Z’s Chronic Cough

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By: Mike Maxwell Brooklyn, NY- A medical breakthrough has been made at Brooklyn Hospital Center as a team of physicians have found the cure for the chronic cough of hip hop icon, Jay-Z. The forty-eight year old rhyme maestro has been spitting flow for nearly thirty years. In the rap game, it’s common knowledge that four out of five doctors don’t recommend that beat busting, saliva-slinging lifestyle. Rockin’ the mic can and will generate a chronic cough that could impair one’s voice and ability to start songs cold. Doctors tallied several attributing factors to this perpetual frog in Shawn Carter’s…

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9 Photos Of Dogs So Cute They Will Literally Prolapse Your Anus

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We all love cute dogs and when one finds themselves without one to cuddle up with, looking at pictures of them on the internet is the next best thing. Here you have it dog lovers: 9 pictures of cute dogs. Be warned, however, that these dogs are so cute that your rectum will literally leave your body after looking at these pictures.   This puppy is hanging out with some pigs! How cute is that? Cute enough that you had better stop looking at this list if you care about your rectal health. 2. Oh no. Don’t look now. It’s…

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