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Turns Out Hitler Ruined Another Cool Symbol For Everybody

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By: Jason Elewski Braunau am Inn, Austria— Remember that cool pointy S that you loved to draw in middle school? As it turns out, Hitler loved to draw it too, you goddamn Nazi. Storage bidders in Austria, much like the stars of the A&E show Storage Wars, discovered a locker this weekend containing what appears to be family keepsakes previously owned by the parents of former Nazi frontman, Adolf Hitler. As if Hitler couldn’t be any more of a historic bummer, it appears he’s still harshing everyone’s vibe from beyond the grave. Discovered in a box labeled “Addie’s 5th grade…

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8 Ways To Fix Your Fragile Masculinity With Duct Tape

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By: Jennifer Allman 1. Tape your testicles and penis together to form MEGA MEMBER! Unlike your once-fragile male ego, Mega Member is unstoppable! Less susceptible to rogue groin punches and injuries from sports balls, Mega Member is the Optimus Prime of your genitalia. Grab 10-24 inches of duct tape (you know how much you’ll need) and wrap the boys up to finally live a care-free life! Nothing’s hurting your feelings or your junk, bruh. 2. Use duct tape to make fingerless gloves to protect your widdle hands from weak, feminine influences like antibacterial soap, hydrating hand lotion, and platonic hand-holding…

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Area Man Finally High Enough To Face Terrible World

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By: Maximilian Stolte DENVER, CO—At the crack of noon today, Denver local Brett Markham woke up filled with dread about leaving his apartment to face the terrible things the day had in store for him. At roughly 12:25PM he had finished loading his bong bowl and took his first rip. The mellowing effect of the nugs, which were reportedly of the dankest quality, was a step in the right direction for Markham’s day. After eating an Eggo waffle drenched in maple syrup and a cherry Pop-Tart, he set right to packing up his second bowl of highly potent sativa. The body high and…

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Sneaky Texting: 10 Phrases Your Dad May Be Using To Text About Weed

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — As recreational marijuana laws continue to be passed by states around the country, the nation’s dads are becoming increasingly more curious about getting their hands on some of this once stigmatized drug. In many states, recreational marijuana is still illegal so some dads are forced to use slang terms for marijuana when texting their friends. Keep your dad safe by keeping tabs on what he’s saying in his texts and instant messages. Here are the top 10 slang terms that today’s dads are using for marijuana: 10. Lawn Clippings – No matter who is…

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I Look Fat In Pictures Because I’m Fat

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By: Madeleine Russell There’s an old episode of Friends where the gang is watching old home movies of fat, young Monica and her BFF Rachel going to prom. Monica, horrified at her rotund, disgusting, unfuckable, inexcusable fatness declares, “The camera adds 10 pounds!” And Chandler, that old rascal, responds, “How many cameras are on you right now?” Everyone has a good chuckle at Monica’s expense. She looks fat in that home movie….because she is fat. We’re all fat. We all look fat in pictures. America is the fattest country on earth. Fatter than France and they shoot foie gras out…

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Sexual Predator Posting After 6 Month Hiatus Must Think Coast Clear

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By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL—After being outed as a super-predator in November of last year, Dave Fisher disappeared from all social media, removed his website, and moved to an entirely different city. This seemed like an uncharacteristically wise choice from a man who had boldly molested women under the radar for the better part of his adult life. Chicagoans breathed a sigh of relief, anticipating a future void of his “no holds barred, tell it like it is” comedic internet presence. “We were just starting to recover from years of having access to his daily observations while he lived his…

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Feminist Astronaut Designs First Non-Phallic Shuttle

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By: Mike Maxwell CAPE CENTRAL, FL–2018 is already a quarter over but the scientific strides are being made. Elon Musk and his SpaceX company were first to show a reusable orbital class rocket. As if funding his own innovative rocket launch wasn’t enough, he fastened one of his Tesla cars to the rocket. Space, is the final frontier of the proverbial pissing match. Enter Anna Pennington, the UK’s phenom astronaut and staunch feminist, who brought a game changing design to space exploration. “Every space shuttle launches the same way, lands the same way, and is designed the same way. The…

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Justice At Last: The Weinstein Company Is Changing All Of Harvey Weinstein’s Producing Credits To ‘Farty McMasturbator’

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By: Jason Elewski Just as the they are about to file for bankruptcy and free anyone bound by a non-disclosure agreement regarding their once virile founder, Harvey Weinstein, the Weinstein Company is taking one more act of penance to correct years of wrong-doing. After unwittingly ruining the lives and careers of any woman whose vocabulary included the word “no”, the Weinstein Company has decided to clear the slate of their tainted history and replace all of Harvey Weinstein’s producing credits with the name Farty McMasturbator, simultaneously shaming Mr. Weinstein and allowing viewers to watch their favorite flicks, unimpeded by the…

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Police Officer Lies About Job Just To Have Nice Conversations With Civilians

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By: J.B. Larsdotter Daryl Smith is a police officer in suburb of Detroit Michigan. According to Smith, it is often difficult to make friends or having meaningful connections outside of work. He says he feels like his profession makes other people not want to talk to him.   “Sure, I have a great family,” Smith says with a smile that reveals complicated emotions under the surface. “And I had friends in high school. I had a whole lot of friends! And sure my copper buddies are great, we love high-fiving and making crass jokes together, but I feel like there…

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