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Fraternity Hazing Includes Hanging Out With Desmond

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By: Jack Hutsey LAWRENCE, KS The freshman pledge class of the Pi Omicron Gamma Fraternity knew there would be hazing, but nothing could’ve prepared them for what they have experienced in the past six weeks. Other fraternities on campus are famous for their embarrassing stunts like streaking nude through the library and asking Ms. Crobbins, the octogenarian librarian who always says yes, out on a date. However, the brothers of P.O.G. had a hazing ace up their sleeve that nobody was ready for. “Cleaning, getting yelled at, wall-sits, beer runs, picking people up,” P.O.G. house president Devin “Truck Nutz” Pfeifferberg…

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Report: 81% Of Handjobs Unenthusiastic

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By: Jack Hutsey Cleveland, OH—Bored while getting cranked off? Bored while cranking someone off? You’re not alone. Just ask Dr. Ava Messerthal of Cleveland’s Institute of Blasting Rope, Paddling the Pink Canoe, and All-Around Self-Care, the world’s foremost masturbation research center. “Chances are, if you’ve given or received a handy jay in the past six years, you’ve been very unsatisfied,” Messerthal said, disappointed. “It’s a real shame. This country’s sexual revolution was built on handstuff at drive-in movies. It’s like being bored with the Bill of Rights.” Of the 500 participants surveyed, 405 reported their most recent tugboating was lukewarm.…

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Youths On Mission Trip Help African Village, Forget To Plug Christ

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By: Maxmilian Stolte BOLGATANGA, GHANA— After helping to provide clean water and food to impoverished villagers and build a school, a youth group of Texas missionaries from St. Joseph’s Church in Bryan, TX made the unforgivable mistake of going on their way without mentioning Jesus whatsoever. While their efforts and cultural influence will not be forgotten by the locals, the salvation of Jesus Christ will not be enjoyed by those who reaped the rewards of good deeds in His holy name. Taylor Robbins, 17, said she didn’t realize the error until they were at the airport. “I felt a great…

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Man Desperately Searching For Life Lesson That Will End Body Swap With Henry Kissinger

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By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY– Famed former Secretary of State and geopolitical expert Henry Kissinger, 95, stunned reporters at a recent press conference by announcing that he had swapped bodies with Manhattan dentist Dr. Henry Richardson, 49, and was desperately trying to determine how to return to his own body. “Please – somebody has to call my wife. She doesn’t believe me,” Richardson croaked in the distinctive German accent of the architect of Cold War diplomacy. “Why is this happening?” Richardson expressed confusion as to why his consciousness had been transported into the corporeal form of the man who…

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Firefighters Call For Body Positive Calendar

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By: Josie Benedetti NEW YORK, NY—Firefighters across the country are on strike this week calling for a body positive calendar for the 2019/2020 calendar year. The nationwide strike has left city blocks burned to the ground, countless adorable kittens stuck helpless in nearby trees, and even talk of the wildly popular second Grey’s Anatomy spinoff “Station 19” in danger of not being brought back for a third season. Most disheartening of all is not the lack of identifiable bones from the piles which now line the streets but the lack of lady boners which have left piles of dry panties…

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Gyms, They’re Not Just For Rats Anymore

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LECHEROUS ADVICE Dear Lech: I don’t feel like a gym person, but I want to get in shape. What do I do?  –Very Aggressive Girl In No Arena Dear VAGINA: Like most people, I sit on my machine/bench/what-have-you, and try not to stare and judge all the others at the gym working out around me. But it’s hard. Just like at a casino, concert, farmer’s market, or used car lot; you just can’t help but stare at the other freaks who also think this is the right time to get into it and come to a place like this. The difference…

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What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

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By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and…

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Identity Thief With Heart Of Gold Pays Debt, Gets Promotion, Brings Wife To Orgasm For Victim

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—Local stock broker Jeff Martins fell victim to identity theft two months ago after entering his credit card information into an online subscription service that was nothing if not suspect. As a wealthy man who keeps track of his personal spending, he has admittedly never kept regular tabs on his personal finances. His identity was stolen by a man who police have identified as Paul Parker, a career swindler with a heart of gold. Perhaps in filling his philanthropy quota, Parker did Martins a solid and significantly improved his life through identity theft. After obtaining his…

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Logan Square Artist Explodes After Failing To Mention Gallery Every Ten Minutes

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Tragedy descended upon Logan Square today as local artist, Robrick Lovebridge, burst into a cloud of pink mist after going more than ten minutes without mentioning his latest art gallery. Lovebridge, born Krendall Flerbidge, is a self-proclaimed “master performance artist” who recently opened a performance art gallery in the empty guest room of his friend’s apartment above a coffee aerosol bar. The gallery, titled “Wander-ful Strife” featured Lovebridge brushing his teeth with a buck knife while humming the South African National Anthem, with his roommate eating popcorn from a trash bag. Since opening the gallery one…

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