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Little Leaguer Signs With Team For Unprecedented 10-Pizza Party Deal

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By: Shelby Dollartree PARMA, OH—Allowing teams to court him for the past month, shortstop Tyler Garcia has set a new standard in the world of little league baseball. Receiving offers ranging from ice cream nights to post-game snack bags, he has finally signed with the Little Tigers for an unprecedented deal. “I thought and prayed on this for a long time and I had to admit to myself, my family, and my friends that I’m worth more than 1 or 2 pizza parties per season. I’m a 10-pizza party player,” said Garcia, 11, adding that he really likes pepperoni pizzas…

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Phish Plays 27 Minute National Anthem At Boston Red Sox Game

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By: Maximilian Stolte BOSTON, MA—Yesterday the Red Sox played the Angels and Phish phans everywhere rejoiced as the band was in attendance to watch the team and perform their rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, or for newbs to the music scene, “The National Anthem”. The crowd was both perplexed and upset when the cover of this beloved song not only included heavy improvisation on guitar, a 3 minute drum solo, an a cappella section, and the use of a vacuum cleaner as an instrument, but also lasted 27 minutes. Music and baseball fans alike agreed that the jam band…

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American Hero Stands For National Anthem And Entire Football Game

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By: Zack Peercy Philadelphia, PA—In these controversial times, the bravery of one man has ignited the flame of democracy once again. Levi Nowak of Lackawanna County sent a message to The Philadelphia Eagles, the NFL, the liberal elite, and the salt of the earth American spectators at Lincoln Financial Field by standing for the National Anthem and the entire subsequent game between the Eagles and the Washington Redskins. Noticing the tension revolving around the Anthem last season, escalated by the fact that many of The Eagles refused to accept President Trump’s invitation to the White House, Nowak knew that it…

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One Member Of Frisbee Group Clearly Doesn’t Do This Much

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By: Maximilian Stolte San Fransisco, CA—Warm weather means outdoor activities are back for the summer and everyone is putting their skills on display for the public. At parks everywhere across America, amateur athletes and hobbyists are kicking balls, flying kites, and tossing frisbees with limited hand eye coordination. You certainly won’t see them on ESPN, but if you were at Golden Gate Park yesterday you saw the perfect storm of peer pressure and poor effort. Around 3PM a group of five millennials picked a nice patch of grass to throw and catch a disc with each other. At first it…

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Lindsey Vonn Fears Dancing With The Stars In Her Future

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By: Mike Maxwell Pyeongchang, South Korea – The world just witnessed the swan song of arguably one of the best skiers of all time, Lindsey Vonn. At the sad but true age of thirty three, her Olympic career is over. It’s a bittersweet time for the legend as she gave it all on the slopes experiencing championships, broken bones, and even a footnote relationship with Tiger Woods. Vonn currently stands with the highest Super Ranking of any skier and has confirmed her competitive skiing career is over. Now what? The road ahead for sports legends has a few paths to…

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Racehorse Reluctantly Shoots Jockey After He Gets Appendicitis

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By: Ross Childs LOUISVILLE, KY — Prized thoroughbred racehorse, Thunderfoot, had to put down his Jockey, Doug Stanfield, when it became clear that Stanfield had developed appendicitis. Thunderfoot first noticed an issue during a practice race earlier today when Stanfield complained of stomach pains. Realizing immediately what this meant, Thunderfoot reluctantly shot his jockey in the head to put him out of his misery. “It’s heartbreaking, the worst part of the sport, but it’s something we have to prepare ourselves for in this industry,” Thunderfoot commented while speedloading his rifle. It is a brutal reality of horse racing, though, as…

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Putin Grounded By Rest Of World For Entire Olympics

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By: Maximilian Stolte Moscow, Russia—Russian Olympic athletes were banned from competing in this year’s Winter Olympics and to add insult to injury, Vladimir Putin was sent to his room for the entirety of the games. With little more than some colored pencils and coloring books to keep him occupied, the Russian leader is becoming a little stir crazy. Reports from his bedroom thus far have been bleak at best. He’s finished all of his puzzles, built several Star Wars LEGO sets, and doodled several pictures of him and Donald Trump holding hands under suns with smiley faces. With indoor activities…

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February 4th: Tears Across America

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By Liz Cohn On this past Super Bowl Sunday, the Eagles took home their first Super Bowl Championship, Kylie Jenner released a video of her pregnancy journey, and NBC broadcasted the death of a fan-favorite character on This Is Us. The eventful day resulted in a nationwide surge of emotions and the aftermath has left millions of people sensitive. Traffic jams and crowded subways caused a major slowdown in the Greater Boston area as Patriots fans, seeking comfort over the loss, commuted to their mothers. Similar transportation congestion affected the city of Philadelphia as Eagles fans went in search of…

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