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Lindsey Vonn Fears Dancing With The Stars In Her Future

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By: Mike Maxwell Pyeongchang, South Korea – The world just witnessed the swan song of arguably one of the best skiers of all time, Lindsey Vonn. At the sad but true age of thirty three, her Olympic career is over. It’s a bittersweet time for the legend as she gave it all on the slopes experiencing championships, broken bones, and even a footnote relationship with Tiger Woods. Vonn currently stands with the highest Super Ranking of any skier and has confirmed her competitive skiing career is over. Now what? The road ahead for sports legends has a few paths to…

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Racehorse Reluctantly Shoots Jockey After He Gets Appendicitis

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By: Ross Childs LOUISVILLE, KY — Prized thoroughbred racehorse, Thunderfoot, had to put down his Jockey, Doug Stanfield, when it became clear that Stanfield had developed appendicitis. Thunderfoot first noticed an issue during a practice race earlier today when Stanfield complained of stomach pains. Realizing immediately what this meant, Thunderfoot reluctantly shot his jockey in the head to put him out of his misery. “It’s heartbreaking, the worst part of the sport, but it’s something we have to prepare ourselves for in this industry,” Thunderfoot commented while speedloading his rifle. It is a brutal reality of horse racing, though, as…

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Putin Grounded By Rest Of World For Entire Olympics

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By: Maximilian Stolte Moscow, Russia—Russian Olympic athletes were banned from competing in this year’s Winter Olympics and to add insult to injury, Vladimir Putin was sent to his room for the entirety of the games. With little more than some colored pencils and coloring books to keep him occupied, the Russian leader is becoming a little stir crazy. Reports from his bedroom thus far have been bleak at best. He’s finished all of his puzzles, built several Star Wars LEGO sets, and doodled several pictures of him and Donald Trump holding hands under suns with smiley faces. With indoor activities…

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February 4th: Tears Across America

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By Liz Cohn On this past Super Bowl Sunday, the Eagles took home their first Super Bowl Championship, Kylie Jenner released a video of her pregnancy journey, and NBC broadcasted the death of a fan-favorite character on This Is Us. The eventful day resulted in a nationwide surge of emotions and the aftermath has left millions of people sensitive. Traffic jams and crowded subways caused a major slowdown in the Greater Boston area as Patriots fans, seeking comfort over the loss, commuted to their mothers. Similar transportation congestion affected the city of Philadelphia as Eagles fans went in search of…

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Fat Coach Wants To See More Hustle

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By: Mike Maxwell MORTON, IL–Boys’ Varsity Basketball season is off to a bit of a slow start this year. The Morton High Potters were just beat by twenty points in a non-conference game to, of all teams, the Glenwood Titans. Some speculate the sloppy play is due to it being the start of the season, or that they are kids, or even that there was a big Chemistry test that Friday morning. According to Coach Pauley, “That’s a load of horse crap, they’ve no heart right now! The kids need to show some more hustle!” Coach P. isn’t the first…

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Report: Professional Bowlers Still Miss Pins Somehow

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10/26/2017 By: Jake Dierksheide Researchers at Duke University have published a paper that uncovers a shocking truth about professional bowling’s most elite competitors: that when rolling the ball down the lane they are, with frightening regularity, still managing to miss some of the pins. That’s right – despite spending large quantities of time practicing a sport enjoyed- and often excelled at- by people of all ages, there are multiple times per game that these players are not knocking over all 10 of the pins on the first try. The report is sure to revolutionize the way the sport is viewed…

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Fuckhead Who Doesn’t Like Sports Poised To Have Best Bracket Again

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3/20/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte March Madness is in the air and the competition on the court is matched only by the competition in the office and amongst groups of friends. Like any form of gambling, it mostly comes down to luck. While watching NCAA basketball all season can help while filling out your bracket, you’ll never beat that dicknose who who picks teams based on arbitrary stipulations. We all know him. He uses words like “sports ball” and ironically watches the Super Bowl every year just for the commercials and half time show. This ass-wipe  only enters the bracket pool…

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