Eight Ways To Spell Hanukkah To Keep Gentiles On Their Toes

by

By: Zack Peercy

It’s that magical time of year again! The eight day holiday when goyim and shiksas litter our social media with poorly spelled seasons greetings. It can be a real test of the Jewish faith. Is the correct spelling of a holiday really so much to ask?

This year, let’s have some fun. Here are eight ways to spell Hanukkah to confuse your non-Jewish friends.

  1. Monica: “The One With The Celebration of Lights.” Convince your Christmas-loving cohorts that it’s actually spelled “Monica” after Courtney Cox’s character from Friends. She was only half-Jewish on the show, but she was 100% our favorite. 
  2. Saunakkah: Named for the miracle of the Maccabees spending eight days and eight nights in a sauna and not getting pruney at all. This spelling is preferred amongst those who pamper themselves for the holidays.
  3. Channukkut: For religious reasons, I’m allowed to Channukkut in line at Starbucks, Target, and any other crowded pre-holiday shopping center. For eight days. 
  4. Harmonnikah: The average harmonica has ten air holes. The minyan requires ten Jewish adults for religious ceremonies like public prayer. Thus, we use the harmonica to remember our roots.
  5. Marijuannukkah: It’s in Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song. What, did you think he was joking? He was in fact providing us with yet another way to spell the word that represents those eight crazy nights. 
  6. Chaka Khan: The Queen of Funk will always be remembered by the Jewish People for giving us hits, “I’m Every Woman,” “I Feel For You,” and “Through The Fire”. She has given us five decades of hits. We can give her eight days a year.
  7. Hanukkuhm: I’m going to sit and spin on your dreidel, baby. Get a dollop of cream on my latkes, big boy. You better be ready to go for eight days and nights because I want to Hanukkuhm!
  8. Hristmas: They can’t remember “C” or no “C”? Neither can we! Hristmas is now another way to spell Hanukkah.