Facebook Friend You Don’t Give A Shit About Marked Safe From National Disaster

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By: Madeleine Russell

Chicago, IL -Local social media user, Kyle Perry, known to his twitter followers as @BoneZone84, had just finished his commute when an unusual notification sound bellowed from his smart phone. “I thought maybe it was an Amber Alert,” remarked Perry in the moment. No doubt a harrowing, unfamiliar experience in a predictable electronic world.

Upon closer inspection, Perry discovered that Josh Duvall had been “marked safe” on facebook in the recent fatal tragedy in San Antonio. More shocking was the realization that Perry was still facebook friends with Josh Duvall at all. Duvall had Perry had crossed paths briefly during Perry’s 6 month stint as a server at Outback Steakhouse – a National eatery known best for it’s casual dining experience and the Americas most caloric food item, the legendary Bloomin Onion.

Details of both the devastating national tragedy and any justification for this lingering online connection with Duvall were both unclear at the time of the notification. “I think that I bought weed from his brother? Yeah. Or wanted to? I don’t think that I could even place his voice. I mean…I’m not like unhappy that he’s safe, but I’m not filled with joy either. I remember him being kind of a dick to my uncle on one of my statuses, to be honest.”

Sources close to Duvall also express confusion surrounding his need to declare safety at all. “If someone was concerned, they could just check and see if he had posted something about it…seems like kind of an attention grab.”

When questioned about whether Perry would be continuing this vague “friendship” with fellow Outbacker alum, Perry commented, “Josh Duvall might be safe in San Antonio but he’s about to feel the sting of my de-friending like a tsunami coming from the windy city.”

When reached for comment, Duvall responded, “Who is Kyle Perry?”