Fucking Called It: Older Brother Right About Easter Bunny Too

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By: Maximilian Stolte

ST. LOUIS, MO—Yesterday morning saw the end of an era for local 6-year-old Jay Schmidt, whose older brother’s assertion that the Easter bunny was a myth perpetrated by their lying parents was confirmed at the West County Mall. Jay was both shocked and dismayed to discover that, like Santa Clause, this lovable holiday character was just a ruse and that all of life is a cruel lie.

Just months prior, Jay’s older brother Thomas broke news to Jay that Christmas was just consumerism masquerading as a religious holiday to get American’s to spend money on stuff they don’t need. He explained that Christmas was deeply rooted in pagan beliefs and several other facts that didn’t really connect with the young and disinterested Jay. However, one talking point struck a chord with the younger of the two brothers: Santa isn’t real.

While at the mall yesterday, Jay said that “the bunny took off his head to smoke a cigarette outside just as we was getting to our car”, adding that there’s no way he could have hidden all of those eggs all night and still been awake to attend the mall meet and greet. “I was sad about Santa, and the Easter bunny was pretty sad too. At least the tooth fairy is still real,” Jay said holding back tears. Thomas hadn’t the heart to correct him as Jay still has 4 baby teeth left.

As Jay begins to question the reality of everything he’s ever believed, Thomas sits upon his throne of self-satisfaction for being both the key to enlightenment and despair for his poor younger sibling. Someday, Thomas will go as far as to share his views on Catholicism and Christianity in general, which he finds to be a bag of worms full of falsehoods and deceit all its own. Thomas shared with reporters that he would probably wait until after Jay’s first communion to divulge this information and once again shake his naive little bro’s worldview.