God Answers Thoughts And Prayers, Takes Away Everyone’s Guns

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By: Maximilian Stolte

HEAVEN—After the nation’s most recent school shooting, our heavenly father was flooded with prayers and the minds of everyone in America were clouded with thoughts on the tragedy. God, who has been busy the past 200 or so years with a passion project of his own, checked back in on Earth and was disgusted to find out about slavery, the Holocaust, and most recently children shooting each other in schools and most of the country not caring enough to do anything.

“I leave for what I thought would just be a little vacation and when I come back there is a laundry list of prayers that need answering,” the omnipotent being told reporters in a big booming voice. “I can’t take away free will, that’s just not my thing. But I can take away everyone’s guns, so I’ll just do that I guess.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, rounded up all of the planet’s weapons that had no practical use in hunting. When he had left on his sabbatical, America was left with the right to bear arms that took quite some time to load and couldn’t be used in the town square to mow down dozens of people at a time. The situation had escalated far beyond what he had expected and, according to sources, he knows “everything”.

“Being me isn’t easy. Sometimes you mess up and sleep on unspeakable atrocities because you wanted to try to start an entire planet of ducks with muscular human bodies across the universe. Then you come back to find out that The Mighty Ducks animated series was created and you could just watch that to see what it’s like,” said a disheartened Lord.

God has come a long way in regards to his views on violence from the Old Testament to now. Where once he ordered mass murder, now he cannot condone such idiocy. “Look, we all make mistakes. Even me, despite what humans think. Just because I’m all knowing, doesn’t mean I’m not always growing,” God said in one of those annoying and cheesy rhymes he always does while he smirks and raises his bushy eyebrows.