Husband Released Back Into Society After Fad Diet

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By: Mike Maxwell

Palatine, IL –This Friday marked the triumphant close of a grueling journey for Ryan Knowles as he finished his first ever relationship induced dieting regiment. Knowles, a husband to soulmate Kasha, has avoided three joint dieting efforts. The Whole 30 will forever be his caloric nemesis.

Wikipedia summarizes The Whole 30 as a fad diet that emphasizes whole foods in which participants eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, soy, dairy, and social acceptance. “Kasha tried to get me on a cleanse back when we dated, then it was going vegan which was pointless because I lived a half mile from Portillo’s which was open past her bedtime so I could ‘go for a run’ and she was none the wiser! She went gluten-free during Christmas but it just didn’t generate enough attention or pandering,” reported a noticeably more tense, but not necessarily thinner, Knowles.

Whole 30 helps newcomers grocery shop and meal plan. It also helps with a shockingly accurate calendar of emotions. Ryan remembered, “The website starts with saying day one is no biggie, days 4-5 I want to kill everything, and days 6-7 wanting a nap.” This forecast is spot on. Knowles found his reaction time drastically improved (along with rage) on day five as he was able to catch a squirrel with his bare hands and then proceed to smash it’s skull on the driveway as he cried for a caramel macchiato.

Fad diets like Whole 30 spread like wildfire or more accurately, a pyramid scheme. Invite a couple friends in, then they invite their friends, and then their friends, and soon the organizer gets to write their own cookbook from basic Google searches. Ryan was skeptical at first. ‘We wanted to lose weight. All these diets make promises of fast and easy weight loss. The Whole 30 was the only one that promised for this thing to suck! There was never any mention that we’d enjoy this for one single moment.’

The prize at the end of the Whole 30 is weighing in and seeing how much weight loss happened. Kasha and Ryan lost eleven and fifteen pounds respectively. Both can fit in their swimsuits from their honeymoon as well. When asked if they plan on keeping this lifestyle, Kasha declared “Oh, we’re going to relapse pretty hard.”