I Look Fat In Pictures Because I’m Fat

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By: Madeleine Russell

There’s an old episode of Friends where the gang is watching old home movies of fat, young Monica and her BFF Rachel going to prom. Monica, horrified at her rotund, disgusting, unfuckable, inexcusable fatness declares, “The camera adds 10 pounds!” And Chandler, that old rascal, responds, “How many cameras are on you right now?”

Everyone has a good chuckle at Monica’s expense. She looks fat in that home movie….because she is fat. We’re all fat. We all look fat in pictures. America is the fattest country on earth. Fatter than France and they shoot foie gras out of t-shirt cannons into mouths full of heavy whipping cream. We are 325 Million gut sucking, filter grabbing, collarbone thrusting future diabetes cases with selfie cameras.

And me, I also look fat in pictures… because I’m fucking fat. And maybe you’ve seen pictures of me or seen me in person and you’re all, “Awwww, Madeleine, you’re NOT FAT.” Interesting theory you’ve got there, you goddamn liar. My Mom was ‘the fat one’ in her family. And an aunt said to her, “Awwwww, Jean, you’re not fat.  Besides, I like em’ plump.” Look who’s keepin’ it real.

Or Buffalo Bill in 1991 iconic girl power classic, The Silence of the Lambs. When interviewed by a female FBI agent at his front door, says about a DEAD GIRL, “Was she a great big fat person?”  To which Jodie Foster replies, “Yeah, she was a big girl, sir.” The woman in question was a size 14….which is average. So, like, who’s making the absolute Fat vs. Not Fat criteria here?

So, is it bad? I honestly don’t think so anymore. When I went to my closet this month to put on some pencil skirts I got when I was broke and biking in 14 degree weather, wouldn’t you know it I could not spanks shimmy them up my fat body. To which my friend, Mallory, said completely earnestly, “So what? Fat is in.”

So what does any of it matter? Yeah, I’m fat. You’re fat. We’re all fat. Take and send nudes, buy new pencil skirts in a bigger size, and don’t let ANYONE tell you that you are NOT FAT, girl.