By: Ross Childs
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Indiana State Legislatures have voted to change the official state motto from “The Crossroads of America” to “Well, Fuck You Too”. This decision came after a lengthy debate about how Indiana wishes to present itself to not only the rest of the United States. But to the rest of the world as well. State representatives felt that the new motto best represented Indiana and its citizenry. Many Indianians seem to be in total agreement.
Governor Eric Holcomb commented on the change, “If we’re being honest, the old ‘Crossroads’ motto just never felt sincere. Crossroads are something you often have to cross in order to reach a desired destination, whereas we noticed most Americans actively avoid our state unless they absolutely have to pass through.” The desire for a change in motto dates back to 2010, when federal census takers in Indiana noticed an abundance of reluctant tourists in the state exclaiming, “Fuck Indiana” on a seemingly regular basis. This prompted a lot of Indiana locals to routinely shout, “Well Fuck You Too” to said involuntary travelers. Lemonade was made from these proverbial lemons.
Of course, this was not the only option for the replacement motto. State politicians and citizens alike spent years whittling down the list from over 100 different possibilities. Other entries of note included “Hoosier Daddy” , “Corn Baby Corn”, “Drivin’ Trucks & Givin’ No Fucks”, “Our Meth Makes Kentucky’s Look Like Crap”, “Five Dollar Cigarettes”, and “Michael Jackson”. From Bloomington to Gary, it seemed as if no one could agree on any singular motto. Then the selection committee came across “Well, Fuck You Too”, and it was as if a thousand shit-kickers in a thousand truckstop bars suddenly joined together in joyous harmony. It was like a miracle, a deep-fried, mayonnaise and butter-smothered miracle.
Indiana Senator and Seven-year Goof Troop member Todd Young was elated about the news. “Finally, we no longer have to sit in silence whenever anyone criticizes us for our farmland, or our citizens, or our liquor laws, or our views on religious freedom, or our “criminally polluted” water supply, or our hatred of vegetables, or our impressive 28% voter turnout in every election. Now we can say loudly & unapologetically, ‘Well, Fuck You, Too!’ God Bless The Hoosiers!”
Good job, Indiana! What more could you expect from the state that produced the egg that hatched Mike Pence?