Jesus Christ’s TOP TEN TUNEZ For The Coming Apocalypse

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By: Ross Childs

ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE, USA — For millions of people on Earth, the first Sunday of April marks Easter, the celebration of The Resurrection of one Jesus Harriet Christ. This year, however, humanity is in for an Easter like no other as Christ himself returns to fight the Antichrist and his billion-strong demon horde for the ultimate smackdown: The Biblical Apocalypse.

In preparation for the ACTUAL war to end all wars (Suck it, World War One), Jesus “Ready Savior One” Christ has given us the gift of badass tuneage on two stone tablets with built-in speakers. Here are Christ’s Top Ten Tracks for the End of the World:

10.) It’s The End Of The World – R.E.M — Jesus loves this song almost as much as he loves tradition. Jesus will sing, “Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn” while blasting away at demons with a flamethrower filled with holy fire. Michael Stipe would be so very proud.

 

9.) Extinction Level Event – Busta Rhymes — Who says a mushroom cloud resulting in millions of deaths in an instant can’t be fun? You can either be horrified by it, or you can blast this monument to dope (from a safe distance) and watch the world of yesterday burn to the ground. Make sure you play it loud, though – there’s gonna be a lot of screaming.

 

8.) Gimme Shelter – The Rolling Stones — This is hands-down the Rolling Stones’ best song about the end of the world. It’s extra special because The Rolling Stones will still be alive to jam out in the wasteland, Fury Road-style. Literally nothing can kill that band, not even the damn Apocalypse.

 

7.) Raining Blood – Tori Amos — Jesus plays this while he does tai-chi in front of a mirror, ala Apocalypse Now. We all have to watch.

 

6.) Give Up The Funk – Funkadelic — What’s the difference between good and evil? The funk.  We got it. They don’t. Never forget that.

 

5.) XO TOUR Llif3 – Lil Uzi Vert sings, “Push Me To The Edge, All My Friends Are Dead”. Half the people on the planet are going to die. It’s relatable. Jesus included this track for you. For all of us.

 

4.) All I Wanna Do (Is Have Some Fun) – Sheryl Crow — The Earth is going to be completely destroyed – no getting around that. This pleasant Sheryl Crow tune gives us all something to chill out to. Cuz when the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard now, it’s going to be coming up on a blood-drenched hellscape. You’re welcome, people of Earth.

 

3.) Sussudio – Phil Collins — Because why the hell not? Life as we know it is over – who cares? Jam some Phil.

 

2.) War Pigs – Black Sabbath — I dare you to not rock this one loud and proud when you face down the Mechanized Hellspawn Army. I FUCKING DARE YOU!! Jesus dares you, too! YOU CAN’T!! Don’t even try!

 


1.) The Touch – Stan Bush — Jesus Christ uses this inspirational hit from the 1986 animated Transformers movie to remind us all that we got the touch. We got the Power (YEAH!) Victory in the war of Good and Evil belongs to those who believe in it. Just like how Rodimus Prime believed in himself enough to defeat Omicron, so should we all believe in ourselves! That’s the true meaning of the Apocalypse.

 

If you liked this playlist, you may also like to see Jesus’s rebirthday playlist. Check it out here.

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