Local Boy’s Handmade Ornament Makes Tree Look Like Shit

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By: Maximilian Stolte

BILLINGS, MT—This Christmas Day, the Sullivan family congregated at the home of Patrick, Kelly, and sons Luke and David. Their home was beautifully decorated, not too gaudy and overdone as cousins Mark and Linda tend to do. Sticking out like a sore thumb however was young Luke’s handmade ornament from school that looked like complete garbage and, quite frankly, ruined Christmas.

The boy’s aunt Sheryl was the first to point it out. Per usual her observational blurting out sparked the controversy that would obliterate the spirit of the holiday. “These decorations are awe inspiring, but this one here is awFUL. (Laughing) It’s funny how awful means bad but being full of awe is good,” she was overheard saying like some sort of Jerry Seinfeld/Grinch combo that nobody asked for.

The family quickly split into two camps on whether the comment was even appropriate, much less correct. Reports indicate that the party lines mirrored last year’s “the meat is over cooked” fiasco. To familial political analyst cousin Robbie, this came as no surprise. “You’re either with aunt Sheryl or against her. And god help anyone who’s against her,” he commented in fear in the sitting room.

“The glitter job on the sides is half assed, the penmanship is piss poor, the spelling abysmal, and the color scheme absolutely clashes in a disgusting way. Might as well hang up my undies after a wicked shart if this piece of shit is getting put on display,” Luke’s older brother David said in a series of Instagram stories.

Luke’s teacher, at great risk to her professional reputation, spoke out as well. “Luke is a bright kid and does very well at math and science. However, he is to holiday themed decorative artistic expression what Alex Jones is to journalism or Word Brothel is to comedy.”

The Sullivans, whose pride came before a major fall, have retired the ornament to a time capsule filled to the brim with other phoned in art projects and minor achievement awards (mostly participation). As for what will destroy next Christmas, we can only speculate that it won’t be the ornament and it will be Sheryl.