By: Allie Rubin
NEW YORK, NY– Famed former Secretary of State and geopolitical expert Henry Kissinger, 95, stunned reporters at a recent press conference by announcing that he had swapped bodies with Manhattan dentist Dr. Henry Richardson, 49, and was desperately trying to determine how to return to his own body.
“Please – somebody has to call my wife. She doesn’t believe me,” Richardson croaked in the distinctive German accent of the architect of Cold War diplomacy. “Why is this happening?”
Richardson expressed confusion as to why his consciousness had been transported into the corporeal form of the man who famously encouraged President Nixon to bomb Cambodia during the Vietnam War. “Maybe a higher power is trying to tell me something. Should I be spending more time with my family and less time at work? I swear, I’ll go to all of Jeremy’s soccer games and Louise’s piano recitals if I can just get back into my old body.”
“Maybe Henry Kissinger and I shouldn’t have urinated in the same fountain during last night’s lightning storm,” he mused.
Doctors have remained perplexed as to how the body swap happened and how it might be reversed. “Nothing in my medical experience has prepared me for this,” admitted Dr. Samuel Jacobson, Physician-in-Chief at Mount Sinai Hospital. “It’s my professional opinion that Dr. Richardson and Henry Kissinger just have to learn some valuable life lessons by walking a mile in each other’s shoes before they’re allowed to switch back.”
Richardson revealed to reporters that being thrust into a big-city lifestyle in the body of the man who was instrumental in facilitating the rise to power of brutal Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet, while initially exciting, wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. “I was just telling my wife at dinner the other night that Henry Kissinger had the perfect life and I’d love to be him for just one day, but it turns out a lot of folks think he’s a war criminal. There’s gotta be some kind of learning experience in there somewhere.”
Despite his ordeal, Richardson remains optimistic that he’ll be able to figure out how to return to his old body soon. Plus, he notes, the body swap has had some unexpected benefits. “Not many people know what Henry Kissinger’s penis looks like, but I do. So that’s pretty cool, I guess.”