By: Skyller Tritch
Burlington, VT—Scientists from all over the world have convened this weekend for a conference to discuss a highly controversial new chemical that allows the human ear to hear the thousands of micro-organisms living in our mattresses. Their discovery shows the organisms only have one topic on their mind: Carl Sheen’s never made his girlfriend cum. The origins of the homogeneous mixture of the new substance are still unknown, but head researcher at Vermont College of Medicine, Dr. Paul McNair, 55, went on record claiming science has never before seen a chemical compound this beneficial to society: “A Nobel Prize is certainly in our future.”
When pressed further, his assistant Carl Sheen, 32, stammered with wild hair and blood-shot eyes, “Never again will we have to sit in hopeless abandon, wondering if we’ve made some grave error. We finally have answers.”
Carl Sheen had his own bed on hand ready to demonstrate. Dr. McNair tossed what appeared to be a clear chemical solution across Sheen’s mattress.
“We have tried to carry on discourse about how the bacterial organisms view life and death, including their ideas on the possibilities of God and an afterlife, but they won’t shut up about how Carl’s girlfriend has never once cum on his mattress. I mean that’s literally all they care about. It’s almost like their concept of God is somehow Carl’s inability to make his girlfriend cum, but a hard rain is never going to fall,” said McNair while patting Sheen on the shoulder.
I tried to see if there would be a noticeable change in Sheen’s demeanor through the demonstration. Remarkably, he seemed delighted to have a group of his mentors and colleagues surrounding his bed as the microscopic beings chanted, “Diane has never cum. You are insufficient.”
Dr. McNair claims the idea for this life-changing chemical came one evening after dinner when he and his wife of twenty years made love. After, he noticed his wife dig through her night stand before going to the bathroom. He began to expect she was not clearing herself of urinary tract infecting bacteria. Hair-raising questions flooded his mind.
“Was she touching her clitoral hood? Why would she need to do that? Is my wife a nymphomaniac?” he thought. “Instead of facing the humiliation of an open and honest dialogue about her sexual preferences, I decided to pour my entire life’s savings and children’s’ college fund into creating answers to the age-old question. Is my wife faking it? Turns out, she is a regular Meryl Streep in the sheets.”
When asked if they plan on using this technology to further their knowledge of women’s sexual health, or more specifically their wives’ and girlfriends’ sexual pleasure, they both began laughing. Dr. McNair adjusted his tie and cleared his throat, saying, “Well, what we don’t know won’t hurt us, and what we do know won’t influence us.”