By: Ross Childs
HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a series of shocking accusations of mistreatment and unfair pay were levied against Michael Bay, several movie explosions have formed a union to hopefully get the famed director to agree to more equitable conditions. Bay employs hundreds, if not thousands, of Hollywood’s most notable fiery explosions, but even the hardest working boom-booms have turned out in support.
“It’s a crying shame,” Demolition Dale, one of the gas truck explosions from Bad Boys 2 said in a recent comment, “folks try to downplay our roles as ‘flash in the pan,’ but we literally blow our asses up for this job!”
Many explosions often experience discrimination in the form of limited role availability. “If you’re an exploding gas tank, you’ll always be an exploding gas tank,” Fiery Ferdinand, the blown-up taxi from the opening scene of Armageddon admitted in an emotional interview. “Even though there’s an incredible array of opportunities in the industry – assassination attempts, rocket launchers, trip bombs, etc – you’ll only ever be what is considered ‘marketable.’”
The real tragedy is once movie explosions have outlived their apparent “hotness,” they become relegated to the forgotten films of yesteryear. Despite the ongoing love of action movies, explosions as notable as Georgette, the nuclear blast from True Lies are lucky if they can find work as a blown-out light bulb in a Home Depot commercial.
Some of the biggest names in motion picture explosions have turned out in support of the move to unionize. Veteran Movie Explosion Cheryl “Bang Bang” Davis has portrayed a number of big-name movie fireballs, such as the explosion that sank the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbor, the blast that destroyed the asteroid in Armageddon, and at least three frankly indiscernible BANGS in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. “I think it’s inspiring that these young filmsplosions are speaking out and standing up. I have been quite fortunate in my career, but I had to deal with a lot of skeevy detonators and burnt-out fuses on the way if you know what I mean.”
Executive producer and human espresso shot, Michael Bay, offered a few words of reassurance. “As a director, it saddens me to hear these explosions suffering so much. I love them as if they were my children, because they are my children. Literally. I birthed them all in the fire pit of Galg’huul, located underneath the film department at Wesleyan University (Go Cards.) Anyway, I’m excited to reach an equitable solution.”
Here’s hoping they reach an agreement. Expendables 4 is right around the corner, and without explosions, that movie would fail to provide the distraction that humanity desperately needs to forget their pointless, depressing lives.