By: Madeleine Russell
Chicago, IL – Netflix has top billing in the world of content streaming services, but a new competitor is about to debut. Amazon, who has already seen tremendous success with their streaming service through Prime, will be utilizing dozens of blacklisted hollywood sexual predators with it’s new streaming platform, Amazon Crime.
After this year’s thundering #timesup presence at the Golden Globes, a growing number of entertainment perverts have found themselves with no voice, career, or power with which to wield over women’s bodies. This cesspool of unused, disgusting, shameful garbage is ripe with potential, according to Amazon strategists.
“All of these men still have a fanbase. I mean 35% of Americans still support the PRESIDENT,” reports Andy Jassy, CEO of Amazon Web Services. With only 2 women in all 38 Amazon executive leaders, no voice of reason has gotten a foothold in opposition to this downward careening concept.
Amazon Crime would be a stark departure from the current cultural shift towards believing victims and stripping predators of their career trappings. “This is a corporate image plane crash waiting to happen,” comments unnamed female Amazon executive who is not Beth Galetti. “There are no women at the pitch table. One of the working titles for this dumpster project was WhuNu?”
Shows slated to appear will mostly be canceled episodic content from ousted groper types, but also in the mix are cinema classics now completely ruined by their pervert masterminds including Shakespeare in Love, American Beauty, Tootsie, and the entire Woody Allen canon. There are even rumors about original content, most notably a formulaic program entitled, “RIP Flirting” and news coverage hosted by Bill O’Reilly.
Jassy says, “This is a real secon- wait, no. More like 12th chance for these… gentlem-… icons-… um… these dudes.”
Amazon Crime will launch either in the Spring of 2020 or 65 years in the past.