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Area Man Finally High Enough To Face Terrible World

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By: Maximilian Stolte DENVER, CO—At the crack of noon today, Denver local Brett Markham woke up filled with dread about leaving his apartment to face the terrible things the day had in store for him. At roughly 12:25PM he had finished loading his bong bowl and took his first rip. The mellowing effect of the nugs, which were reportedly of the dankest quality, was a step in the right direction for Markham’s day. After eating an Eggo waffle drenched in maple syrup and a cherry Pop-Tart, he set right to packing up his second bowl of highly potent sativa. The body high and…

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Peace Treaty Signed After Puppy Enters Negotiating Room

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By: Ross Childs SEOUL, S KOREA — This is a historic moment. For the first time in more than half a century, the leaders of two warring nations, Kim Jong Un from North Korea, and Moon Jae-in from South Korea, finally sat down with each other to iron out a peace treaty with a focus on denuclearization. But when it seemed like neither nation wished to back down from certain demands of the other, it looked like negotiations would break down almost as soon as they began. However, the day was saved when Spunky, a Cocker Spaniel puppy owned by…

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Which Paul Stanley Side Project Are You? [QUIZ]

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Which Paul Stanley Side Project Are You? Over the years, beloved Kiss member Paul Stanley has graced the world with many side projects outside of painting his face and singing and strumming along with the greatest rock band of all time. It goes without saying that a true Kiss fan would have to know, and know NOW, which one of those side projects they are the physical embodiment of by answering some questions online. What are you waiting for? Get started! Start Quiz Question Your answer: Correct answer: Next You got {{SCORE_CORRECT}} out of {{SCORE_TOTAL}} SHARE YOUR RESULTSShareTweetPinEmail Your Answers…

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Sneaky Texting: 10 Phrases Your Dad May Be Using To Text About Weed

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — As recreational marijuana laws continue to be passed by states around the country, the nation’s dads are becoming increasingly more curious about getting their hands on some of this once stigmatized drug. In many states, recreational marijuana is still illegal so some dads are forced to use slang terms for marijuana when texting their friends. Keep your dad safe by keeping tabs on what he’s saying in his texts and instant messages. Here are the top 10 slang terms that today’s dads are using for marijuana: 10. Lawn Clippings – No matter who is…

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Family Plans Vacation Same Weekend As String Cheese Incident In Town A-Fucking-Gain

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By: Maximilian Stolte ATLANTA, GA—This spring, as countless families flee south for vacation to escape the cold winds of the north, one family in particular was looking forward to a little site seeing, rest and relaxation. What was waiting for the Watts family was anything but relaxing. For the third vacation in a row, the Wattses booked their hotel in close proximity to a String Cheese Incident show. James Watts, father, golfer, and CPA, says he could tell before even checking in to the hotel that yet another relaxing stay would be ruined. “I could smell the marijuana in the…

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This Pinky And The Brain Fan Theory Will Bend Your Childhood Over Backwards, Destroy Your Grasp On Reality

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By: Maximilian Stolte It’s there, sitting right in front of us this whole time. Pinky and The Brain: two mice who are self-proclaimed by the title as “a genius” and “insane”. Less astute viewers would fall for the misdirection and believe that The Brain is the genius and the doofus Pinky is insane. That assertion couldn’t be further from the truth of what the geniuses behind this show had in mind. As the theme song lyrics state, one of them is a genius and the other insane. Since The Brain tries to take over the world every night of his…

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Doug Tries New Hot Sauce, Won’t Shut The Hell Up About It

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Last weekend, Doug Bloofer, a local coder, tried a a new hot sauce called “Devil Dale’s Demon Drops” at a small South Side wing joint, and has not shut the hell up about it since.  The cashier at the restaurant, simply called “Freddy’s Wings”, said that Bloofer was reportedly “stoked” to try the new sauce, which he described as “anus meltingly hot” despite literally no one asking. Bloofer, a resident of Wicker Park, has reportedly always been a spice aficionado.  “We’re called ‘Hotheads’,” Bloofer said in a statement, “That’s the lingo in the hot sauce community.…

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I Look Fat In Pictures Because I’m Fat

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By: Madeleine Russell There’s an old episode of Friends where the gang is watching old home movies of fat, young Monica and her BFF Rachel going to prom. Monica, horrified at her rotund, disgusting, unfuckable, inexcusable fatness declares, “The camera adds 10 pounds!” And Chandler, that old rascal, responds, “How many cameras are on you right now?” Everyone has a good chuckle at Monica’s expense. She looks fat in that home movie….because she is fat. We’re all fat. We all look fat in pictures. America is the fattest country on earth. Fatter than France and they shoot foie gras out…

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Movie Explosions Form Union After Unfair Treatment From Michael Bay

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By: Ross Childs HOLLYWOOD, CA—After a series of shocking accusations of mistreatment and unfair pay were levied against Michael Bay, several movie explosions have formed a union to hopefully get the famed director to agree to more equitable conditions. Bay employs hundreds, if not thousands, of Hollywood’s most notable fiery explosions, but even the hardest working boom-booms have turned out in support. “It’s a crying shame,” Demolition Dale, one of the gas truck explosions from Bad Boys 2 said in a recent comment, “folks try to downplay our roles as ‘flash in the pan,’ but we literally blow our asses…

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Sexual Predator Posting After 6 Month Hiatus Must Think Coast Clear

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By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL—After being outed as a super-predator in November of last year, Dave Fisher disappeared from all social media, removed his website, and moved to an entirely different city. This seemed like an uncharacteristically wise choice from a man who had boldly molested women under the radar for the better part of his adult life. Chicagoans breathed a sigh of relief, anticipating a future void of his “no holds barred, tell it like it is” comedic internet presence. “We were just starting to recover from years of having access to his daily observations while he lived his…

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