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STUDY: Those Eight Spiders You Swallow In Your Sleep Can Lay Eggs

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By: Zack Peercy (Burlington, VT) – Despite recent widespread acceptance of the fact that the average human swallows eight spiders in a lifetime, a new study from the University of Vermont is here to say that those eight spiders we all swallow can lay eggs. In fact, they probably already have. The study, conducted by UVM’s Biology department’s Masters candidates, provides key symptoms for anyone to self-diagnose that they definitely have live spiders actively laying eggs that will hatch inside their stomachs. Seven Key Symptoms: Waking Up With Scratchy Throat A sore or scratchy throat in the morning is a…

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Weatherman Really Teasing Fuck Out Of Weekend Forecast

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By: Jack Ritchey ST. LOUIS, MO—It looks like it could be gorgeous outside this weekend. Or it might rain. Or it might fucking thundersnow. At this point only one person knows, and he’s clearly masturbating to the fact that he’s not telling us anytime soon. Twelve minutes into KSDK News Channel 5’s evening broadcast, just after the grizzly details of a double murder at a liquor store and an update on that toddler missing since September, local weatherman Craig Moller made a brief and obnoxious appearance to really tease the fuck out of that weekend forecast. “He started off joking…

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Obituary: FACE, The Original Host Of Nick Jr., Dead At 51

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Dutifully written by: Patrick Webb The on-air mascot was found dead in his studio apartment in Van Nuys of an apparent, accidental overdose. Born and raised in Orlando, FL, FACE struggled as a working actor through the late 80’s and early 90’s doing the occasional regional theatre until booking his dream roll as the “face” of Nick Jr. in 1994. He starred in over 400 on-air promotions for the network until 2004 when he left the company to try to break into film. After losing the role of the titular lead in the 2008 film Hancock to Will Smith, FACE…

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2017-18 SAT Scores Prove Once Again Humans Smartest Mammal

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By: Jake Dierksheide As the school year closes, scores for the Scholastic Aptitude Test, commonly referred to as the SATs, have been released for the 2017-18 school year. According to an early study performed by the National Association for Testing Criteria of Humans (NATCH) the trends in these scores provide further evidence toward a theory that has been a long-standing mantra of the scientific community: that Humans are super smart and and better than anything else with hair. This year’s average national combined math and reading score for humans was 1060, up 20 points from that group’s numbers in the…

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Husband Released Back Into Society After Fad Diet

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By: Mike Maxwell Palatine, IL –This Friday marked the triumphant close of a grueling journey for Ryan Knowles as he finished his first ever relationship induced dieting regiment. Knowles, a husband to soulmate Kasha, has avoided three joint dieting efforts. The Whole 30 will forever be his caloric nemesis. Wikipedia summarizes The Whole 30 as a fad diet that emphasizes whole foods in which participants eliminate sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, soy, dairy, and social acceptance. “Kasha tried to get me on a cleanse back when we dated, then it was going vegan which was pointless because I lived a half…

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American Hero Stands For National Anthem And Entire Football Game

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By: Zack Peercy Philadelphia, PA—In these controversial times, the bravery of one man has ignited the flame of democracy once again. Levi Nowak of Lackawanna County sent a message to The Philadelphia Eagles, the NFL, the liberal elite, and the salt of the earth American spectators at Lincoln Financial Field by standing for the National Anthem and the entire subsequent game between the Eagles and the Washington Redskins. Noticing the tension revolving around the Anthem last season, escalated by the fact that many of The Eagles refused to accept President Trump’s invitation to the White House, Nowak knew that it…

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One Member Of Frisbee Group Clearly Doesn’t Do This Much

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By: Maximilian Stolte San Fransisco, CA—Warm weather means outdoor activities are back for the summer and everyone is putting their skills on display for the public. At parks everywhere across America, amateur athletes and hobbyists are kicking balls, flying kites, and tossing frisbees with limited hand eye coordination. You certainly won’t see them on ESPN, but if you were at Golden Gate Park yesterday you saw the perfect storm of peer pressure and poor effort. Around 3PM a group of five millennials picked a nice patch of grass to throw and catch a disc with each other. At first it…

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