Word Brothel - Part 2

Spreading the word around…

Disney Movies Used To Be…Cartoons?

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By: Zack Peercy Okay, people. This may seem a little crazy, but the Word Brothel team did some digging and it turns out that that all of the Disney Movies we know and love (Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Jungle Book, Alice in Wonderland, the list goes on!) were all… cartoons? Like really old flat cartoons? From like the 80s or something? We’re all surprised too! I mean, when you think of Cinderella, obviously you think of Lily James. But apparently back in 1950, during the great depression or whatever, this random lady named Ilene Woods was the “voice”…

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5 Celebrity Beards To Ovulate All Over

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By: Josie Benedetti Winter is coming and so are we. Beards are back in season and as these sexy celebs cover their baby faces, we’re uncovering our deep biological need to have their babies! John Krasinski’s scruffy look from ‘A Quiet Place’ is making us scream! Nothing says ‘stable father figure’ like a man who can rock an Eddie Bauer sweater and tend to a quaint post-apocalyptic farm, plus you know he’ll stick around to make you breakfast in the morning! I, for one, will take these eggs with a side of fresh, hot sperm!   They say the human…

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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

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By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face…

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Roseanne Barr To Reprise Racist ‘Character’ At Thanksgivings This Week

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By: Andy Frye The once-embattled 1980s comedienne Roseanne Barr is about to make a name for herself again. Hoping to capitalize on America’s rising family drama trends, and the very popular “Trump supporter relative” stock role at Thanksgiving last year, Barr has decided to embark on a nationwide tour this week to bring her controversial brand of humor directly to your family’s dinner table. Barr announced the tour this week, stating publicly, “C U at dinner, bitches!” while calling herself “Aunt Ambien” and “Tofurky liberals’ worst nightmare” via her Twitter account. Ms. Barr’s agent, Anson Heedler, says that former star…

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Report: Shelter Must Have Been Out Of All Other Dogs

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By: Jake Dierksheide Citing the dog’s “disgusting face” and “sheer quantity of fluid output”, researchers at the University of Illinois have come to the conclusion that there is no possible way that any other dogs were available at PAWS the day that Mark and Jennifer adopted their new pet. The team of graduate students spent the afternoon of November 14th observing Ingrid, the name already given to the Bull Terrier/Bulldog mix at the time of adoption, in the hopes of discovering what possible hidden charm this nauseating excuse for one of God’s creations could hold. Ingrid spent much of that…

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Cat Walks Across Keyboard, Discovers Cold Fusion

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By: Ross Childs SANTA FE, NM—The scientific community was rocked to its core today after a viable formula for cold fusion energy was produced by a house cat. Cold fusion is the idea of creating and maintaining a stable nuclear reaction at or near room temperature, and was considered purely hypothetical, though that could change with this discovery. The cat, an American Shorthair named Miss Floofy, walked across the keyboard of her caretaker’s computer while he was “taking a bitchin’ weed nap.” The animal wrote out the scientific breakthrough in an already open Google Doc titled, “Tennis, But Everyone’s Baked”.…

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Man In Urban Pipeline MaxFlex Cargo Shorts Finally Dies Of Exposure

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By: Zack Peercy LANSING, MI—Blake DeWitt, 24, finally died last night on his way home from an early friendsgiving party to which he wore a Hawaiian shirt and Urban Pipeline’s new and affordable MaxFlex cargo shorts. You should not miss Blake, because he was always going around at every party being like, “I’m not even cold!” just like you should not miss Kohl’s upcoming Summer Savers Sale on items like Men’s Urban Pipeline MaxFlex cargo shorts. Wearing any Urban Pipeline brand shorts in the middle of winter was DeWitt’s “thing” that got him noticed at parties. He’d walk through the…

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Brave Pedestrian Trio Stays Side by Side Despite Passerby

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By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—On N Western Avenue today near Welles Park in the Lincoln Square area of Northern Chicago, three brave friends, deep in positive discussion of recent Hollywood blockbuster Venom, refused to break formation for a fellow pedestrian coming in the opposite direction. The unknown intruder was forced off the sidewalk and into the busy street to get around the group. Not since Rosa Parks’s iconic refusal to give up her seat has such a powerful statement of human rights been made. The three men, Matt C., Jordan, and Matt F., were happy with, but not surprised by,…

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Best Of Johnny Carson DVD Box Set Infomercial Tops Late Night Ratings

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By: Mike Anichini BURBANK, CA—There’s a new king of late night, baby. Nielsen ratings for the week of Nov. 12th reveal the paid advertisement featuring the ‘Best Of The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson’ DVD box set surged to the top in viewership, beating Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers and others.   “It’s hard, he’s still the king,” said Colbert. “This infomercial snuck up on us, but it rules.” Ticking up from its previous 0.51 to a 0.53 rating in adults 18-49, the long-running Time Life ad has captured a new audience in younger millennials ages 18-26.…

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