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10 Zoo Animals That Should Have Been Shot Instead Of Cincinnati Gorilla

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May 31, 2016 The internet has been rushed with opinion about the fatal shooting of Harambe the silverback gorilla of the Cincinnati Zoo. Whether you believe that the gorilla was a benign caretaker for an otherwise neglected child or that the insane murder monkey was put down justly, we can all agree that these animals should definitely have been shot instead.     10. Anaconda Clearly an anaconda would have been a better death. First of all, they’re spooky and slimy, which is totally gross. Besides that, they can eat people and even animals bigger than themselves. That’s impressive and…

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White People, Stop Tanning! You’re Appropriating Culture In The Worst Way

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May 12, 2016 It happens every year. The sun comes out from its winter slumber and the Caucasian masses creep from their comfortable homes into the light and begin their assault on other cultures. Whether it be tanning in a bed and risking cancer or lying in the sun’s hot rays, white people will not stop until they appropriate the skin color of others. Now I know what you may be thinking: “Isn’t that natural? Doesn’t white people skin change tones throughout the year?” My answer to that is it doesn’t have to. By not wearing sunscreen, you are making…

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Drunk Man Beats Record Time On “Cruis’n World”, Convinced He’s Okay To Drive

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Apr. 5, 2016 A Tuscaloosa man by the name of Horace “Bubba” Greeley recently turned the local arcade game community on its head by beating the record time on every level of the popular game “Cruis’n World”. Not only did he break the record times by upwards of 3 seconds on each level, he did it all while he was shitfaced drunk. It was a normal Friday evening. Bubba and his chums were at The Wheelhouse Pub enjoying excess drink and various pub and arcade games. It was there that Bubba found his wheelhouse, arcade driving games. His precision in…

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Kurt Cobain Killed By The Illuminati, Confirmed

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Apr. 6, 2016 Yesterday marked 22 years since the world lost beloved grunge musician, Kurt Cobain. Angst-fueled teens and 30-something-year-olds look back and remember his contributions to the world of music and culture, but with a knowledge that was heretofore unknown: that Kurt Cobain was killed by The Illuminati. When one thinks of “The Illuminati”, they generally think of a secretive shadow organization that rules the world and for some reason can’t stop killing black musicians and pop culture icons. This is not the same Illuminati that was responsible for the death of Kurt Cobain. The Illuminati is masked in…

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Plenty of Phish Dating Site Is Making Waves

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Mar. 19, 2016 The online dating scene is becoming much more intuitive and Plenty of Phish is the ultimate testament to this. There is now a dating site for phans by phans; the new site has definitely made a splash in the lot scene. PoP matches users using a highly effective algorithm based on the things that matter most. Some sample questions are: Dip, dump, or boof? 1.0, 2.0, or 3.0? If we ran into Page after the show would you be down for a sad threesome? As one would imagine, the male to female ratio on the site is…

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Donald Trump Has Wall Built Around Him

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Mar. 6, 2016 GOP candidate Donald Trump may not be president…yet. That hasn’t kept him from enacting some of his proposed policies and plans a little early. This week he had a wall built around him to keep the rest of the country out. Trump is known for speaking his mind and not only talking the talk, but walking the walk. He’s created a utopia where the only citizen is the former best citizen of these United States: Donald Trump. Who can imagine a better place than one where there’s nothing but Donald J. Trump? He told press yesterday, “I’m…

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Progressive School Replaces “N” Word With “Black Guy” In Huck Finn

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Feb. 28, 2016 Mark Twain’s classic novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, is an important book in American history that challenged racism and the institution of slavery in the south. Unfortunately, the writer was quite the potty mouth and used the correct term for his time that is a big no-no today. That’s right, we’re talking about the “N” word. In Philadelphia this past December there was controversy surrounding the book once again. A school district banned the book from its curriculum and there was a big backlash from those who opposed the censorship. Now, in efforts to appease the…

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Suicide Bombers On Strike For Dental Care

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Feb. 16, 2016 With presidential elections coming up, the need to keep Americans in constant fear gets put on the back burner, thus ISIS has been relatively absent in the mainstream news. That doesn’t mean that the terrorists haven’t been up to anything radical. The suicide bombers of ISIS have unionized and are suspending self-exploding operations until they receive the benefits that they deserve. Suicide bomber Yusuf Al Bayati told reporters, “Our job is very dangerous. We take extreme risks for the good of our organization and we expect them to take care of us. I heard some people doing…

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7 Lonely Cats Whose Owners Found Valentine’s Dates This Year

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When your cat is used to spending every Valentine’s Day with you, finding a date for once in your depressing life can really put stress on your beloved feline friend.   7. Fluffers Meet Fluffers, he is used to spending February 14th with his owner Vanessa, watching her cry into a bowl of ice cream while watching Love Actually for the 20th time since Christmas. This year Vanessa left Fluffers for a date and he repaid her by scratching up her sofa. 6. Mimsy This little guy is in a bit of a slump this V-Day since his tradition of…

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2016: The Year Memes Picked The President

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Feb. 13, 2016 This year’s presidential election is shaping up to be one for the record books. As if the candidates alone weren’t unique and zany enough, the source of information about them has undergone a transformation as well. Memes are quickly coming to the forefront of political discourse. Those candidates whose supporters make the dankest memes will undoubtedly win the nomination. Donald Trump, the hairpiece that achieved sentience and now controls an orange billionaire’s body, currently has the poorest quality memes being produced. However, his voters have out-memed the rest of the GOP, making him the frontrunner at this…

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