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Fake News Media Concocted Fake News Story of 7 Fake New Planets

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2/26/2017 By: Jason Elewski 2017 has already proven to be a sobering time for the news-reading public. Earlier this year, President Trump kicked off his already successful term in office by triumphantly discrediting the media after rejecting any so-called empirical fact that reflected negatively upon him. The American people were able to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that they didn’t have to decipher the coded lies hidden in the pages of the newspaper, but could instead have their untainted truth spoon-fed to them directly from our Commander in Chief. The FAKE NEWS media is now on the run, which…

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Students and Employees Protest President’s Day, Go to School and Work Anyways

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2/20/2017 This President’s Day was unlike the holiday in past years in many ways. Most notably, the extremely low approval rating of the current president. President’s Day is a holiday where we not only remember presidents past, but honor our current president as well. Some workers and students who would normally enjoy the day off have decided to protest this year by going to work and school anyways. Marcia Tallbreath, a bank teller in Chicago, has been against Trump since he was nominated as the Republican candidate. “I was at the Women’s March and I will continue to protest this…

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Kellyanne Conway on St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and Chicago Crime Rates

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2/14/2017 Counselor to President Trump and expert on United States massacres Kellyanne Conway made a statement earlier today on the tragic St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and why it should be a “serious wake up call” for America. While she was correct about some of her assertions, she apparently wasn’t aware of when the incident took place. Conway told the press this morning, “America is under attack from violent and dangerous immigrants. Just look at the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Nobody wants to talk about how these people came into our country and killed seven people on this day under the…

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Local Man Risks It All On Business Meeting Fart

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2/9/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Earlier this morning, Alan Gardner went into work like he does every morning at Integrated Business Solutions. He had his morning coffee and cigarette, stopped by his cubicle to prepare for the big meeting, and headed to the board room eager to share his newest project. Except today he didn’t have time for one important part of his morning routine. “Normally I like to go hit the bathroom around 9:15 and let that early morning deuce drop faster than our earnings per share did this quarter. Today, I just didn’t have time to prepare for the…

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New Record: 12 Chicago Cars Turn Left After Light Changes Red

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1/31/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Today is one for the record books as more cars made left turns through an intersection, get this, AFTER the light had changed from yellow to red. Only in Chicago could a feat like this be accomplished and boy are we glad to see this record shattered. It all started at the intersection of North, Milwaukee, and Damen where three cars had crept into the intersection, awaiting their chance to turn left. A break in traffic never occurred so they were forced to do what all Chicago residents are: just wait until the light turns red…

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The Question Of Where DMX’s Dogs At Finally Answered

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1/14/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte If you’ve listened to rapper DMX’s music before, you’ve undoubtedly heard him ask his patented question: “Where my dogs at?”. The inquiry is commonly followed by a series of barking sounds that he makes in hopes to find the dogs for which he is looking. Well look no more! You left your dog at the kennel silly man. DMX has long been a lover of animals. He wrote a song called “For My Dogs” in 1998 where he stated, “I know where my dogs is at.” So at this point in time we can assume he…

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Orgy In Heaven: Catch Up With The Celebrities We Lost In 2016

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1/11/2017 2016 was a year marred by the loss of many beloved celebrities. In the wake of one of the most peculiar years for news on Earth, things have also gotten pretty weird upstairs in the kingdom of heaven. Every famous person who died last year is having sex right now. It goes without saying this orgy of historic proportions was probably initiated by none other than Prince and David Bowie, two infamous sex symbols that the mortal world lost this past year. When it comes to the wild fuckfest in the sky, our loss is their gain. It’s hard…

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Time Traveler Came Back To 2016 To Warn: “Stop Calling This The Worst Year Ever”

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12/29/2016 By Maximilian Stolte Meet Drongificent Blar, or as his friends of the future affectionately call him “D-Blar”, “Drong”, or “Gificent”. Drongificent is an American citizen from the year 2060 and he has come back with a dire message for Americans in 2016: stop calling this year the worst year ever. Mr. Blar explained, “In the future, we all look back at the historic documents [tweets, blogs, and Facebook posts] and you look really stupid saying each year is the worst year ever. Here’s the thing, this was actually a great year in retrospect because each following year gets exponentially…

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Austin Powers in Goldmember is a Christmas Movie and Nothing You Say Can Disprove This Fact

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12/25/2016 By: Maximilian Stolte Each and every holiday season families the whole world round get together. We eat, drink, give presents, and most importantly watch classic Christmas movies. A Christmas Story, Elf, Home Alone, and The Grinch all come to mind when one thinks about holiday related cinema, but there’s one that is commonly overlooked: Austin Powers in Goldmember. I know what you’re going to say, so spare me. Just because a movie doesn’t center around holiday related activities does not mean it isn’t a Christmas movie. Let’s look at some of the facts in favor of my claim. In…

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Breathtaking: Don’t Miss Out On The First Full Moon In 29 Days!

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12/19/2016 By: Jason Elewski If you take a peek out your window tomorrow night, you may be able to observe the Moon as you’ve never seen it before. For the first time in 29 days, Earth will be aligned between the Sun and the Moon. Predominantly seen in the shape of “God’s thumbnail” or a “chewed up Nerf football”, the Moon will take the form of a perfect 360-degree circle tomorrow night. You will be able to see this phenomenon tomorrow night at 8:42pm. In order to locate the Moon, look up at the sky and rotate counterclockwise until you…

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