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Study Shows Average Person Swallows Whole Head Of Fast Food Employee Hair Each Year

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3/30/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Fast food consumers have decreased their intake and started opting for healthier food on the go over the past decade. Thanks to a new study by food scientists at Columbia University, that number may drop even more. Their shocking new study shows that the average fast food customer swallows 100,000 fast food employee hairs every year; that’s an entire human head’s worth of hair! Let’s break down the statistics here for our mathematically challenged readers. This is the average fast food eater. If you primarily cook at home or eat at sit down restaurants, this statistic…

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Top 10 Reality Celebs Better Suited for Presidency Than Donald Trump

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3/28/2017 By: Ben Gauwitz Could being a reality TV star be the new prerequisite for the top office of the world’s most powerful nation? We can only hope. Here is a list of the top 10 celebrities who would be better leaders for our country than President Donald J. Trump. And remember, this is the just the top 10, there are at least a hundred reality “stars” who are more equipped to lead the free world than our current flavor of the week.   10. Ru Paul (Ru Paul’s Drag Race) White House? More like red carpets and technicolor dreamcoats!…

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Fuckhead Who Doesn’t Like Sports Poised To Have Best Bracket Again

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3/20/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte March Madness is in the air and the competition on the court is matched only by the competition in the office and amongst groups of friends. Like any form of gambling, it mostly comes down to luck. While watching NCAA basketball all season can help while filling out your bracket, you’ll never beat that dicknose who who picks teams based on arbitrary stipulations. We all know him. He uses words like “sports ball” and ironically watches the Super Bowl every year just for the commercials and half time show. This ass-wipe  only enters the bracket pool…

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Oscar Nominees Who Didn’t Win Release Their Acceptance Speeches

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2/28/2017 Each year at the Oscars, America looks forward to hearing the nominees who win best actor/actress. Their speeches are so well written and delivered that they are both a reflection of their acting abilities as well as their personhood. Sometimes political, sometimes personal, oftentimes a perfect cross section of the two. Unfortunately for us, we don’t get to hear the speeches that were prepared by all of the nominees, just the winners…Until now! Ryan Gosling “There’s never a good way to objectively judge something as arbitrary as acting, but having said that, I’d like to say that Donald Trump…

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Fake News Media Concocted Fake News Story of 7 Fake New Planets

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2/26/2017 By: Jason Elewski 2017 has already proven to be a sobering time for the news-reading public. Earlier this year, President Trump kicked off his already successful term in office by triumphantly discrediting the media after rejecting any so-called empirical fact that reflected negatively upon him. The American people were able to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that they didn’t have to decipher the coded lies hidden in the pages of the newspaper, but could instead have their untainted truth spoon-fed to them directly from our Commander in Chief. The FAKE NEWS media is now on the run, which…

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Students and Employees Protest President’s Day, Go to School and Work Anyways

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2/20/2017 This President’s Day was unlike the holiday in past years in many ways. Most notably, the extremely low approval rating of the current president. President’s Day is a holiday where we not only remember presidents past, but honor our current president as well. Some workers and students who would normally enjoy the day off have decided to protest this year by going to work and school anyways. Marcia Tallbreath, a bank teller in Chicago, has been against Trump since he was nominated as the Republican candidate. “I was at the Women’s March and I will continue to protest this…

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Kellyanne Conway on St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and Chicago Crime Rates

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2/14/2017 Counselor to President Trump and expert on United States massacres Kellyanne Conway made a statement earlier today on the tragic St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and why it should be a “serious wake up call” for America. While she was correct about some of her assertions, she apparently wasn’t aware of when the incident took place. Conway told the press this morning, “America is under attack from violent and dangerous immigrants. Just look at the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Nobody wants to talk about how these people came into our country and killed seven people on this day under the…

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Local Man Risks It All On Business Meeting Fart

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2/9/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Earlier this morning, Alan Gardner went into work like he does every morning at Integrated Business Solutions. He had his morning coffee and cigarette, stopped by his cubicle to prepare for the big meeting, and headed to the board room eager to share his newest project. Except today he didn’t have time for one important part of his morning routine. “Normally I like to go hit the bathroom around 9:15 and let that early morning deuce drop faster than our earnings per share did this quarter. Today, I just didn’t have time to prepare for the…

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New Record: 12 Chicago Cars Turn Left After Light Changes Red

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1/31/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Today is one for the record books as more cars made left turns through an intersection, get this, AFTER the light had changed from yellow to red. Only in Chicago could a feat like this be accomplished and boy are we glad to see this record shattered. It all started at the intersection of North, Milwaukee, and Damen where three cars had crept into the intersection, awaiting their chance to turn left. A break in traffic never occurred so they were forced to do what all Chicago residents are: just wait until the light turns red…

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