Spreading the word around…

Coca-Cola Sales Skyrocket in the Midst of Its ‘Not Being Pepsi’ Campaign

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4/6/2017 By: Jason Elewski In a country strongly divided between red and blue, it appears a clear champion has finally prevailed in the age-old Pepsi challenge, and it might not be who you think. Today, the Coca-Cola Company launched its “Not Being Pepsi” campaign, effectively uniting our once fragmentary nation behind a single beloved soda pop. By ingeniously not being Pepsi, Coca-Cola has provoked Americans from all walks of life to take to social media in order to declare their love for the brown carbonated beverage that isn’t Pepsi. Coca-Cola spokesperson, Sally Vanderschmidt, issued a statement today, announcing that Coke…

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All Lives Matter Man Buys Surplus Of Pepsi In Support Of New Commercial

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4/6/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte The internet is abuzz with the newest advertisement from Pepsi, in which Kendall Jenner gives a police officer at a protest a cold beverage and you can see with your own eyes as he becomes sympathetic to the protestors point of view. This ad has been heavily criticized on social media and the opposition to that opposition is fighting back! Pete Bierman, self-proclaimed frontman of the All Lives Matter movement, took action the only way one can in a capitalist society: his money. He bought 100 cases (3,000 cans) of Pepsi in support of the advertisement…

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Lady With Netflix Account Acting Like The People v. O.J. Simpson Is a Brand New Show

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4/4/2017 By: Jason Elewski The People v. O.J. Simpson WAS a marvelous show. It successfully walked the line between real life tragedy and melodramatic cable television fodder. You couldn’t talk about television LAST YEAR without hearing about the Emmy winner for Outstanding Limited Series in 2016. Old news right? Wrong! Not for Linda Winkler, at least. Winkler, a Netflix subscriber since 2013, was seen today at work, waxing poetic about the 2016 Golden Globes favorite as if it were a brand freaking new thing. Like a woman awoken from a cryogenic freeze, Linda remains in awe over the wonders of…

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Study Shows Average Person Swallows Whole Head Of Fast Food Employee Hair Each Year

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3/30/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Fast food consumers have decreased their intake and started opting for healthier food on the go over the past decade. Thanks to a new study by food scientists at Columbia University, that number may drop even more. Their shocking new study shows that the average fast food customer swallows 100,000 fast food employee hairs every year; that’s an entire human head’s worth of hair! Let’s break down the statistics here for our mathematically challenged readers. This is the average fast food eater. If you primarily cook at home or eat at sit down restaurants, this statistic…

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Top 10 Reality Celebs Better Suited for Presidency Than Donald Trump

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3/28/2017 By: Ben Gauwitz Could being a reality TV star be the new prerequisite for the top office of the world’s most powerful nation? We can only hope. Here is a list of the top 10 celebrities who would be better leaders for our country than President Donald J. Trump. And remember, this is the just the top 10, there are at least a hundred reality “stars” who are more equipped to lead the free world than our current flavor of the week.   10. Ru Paul (Ru Paul’s Drag Race) White House? More like red carpets and technicolor dreamcoats!…

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Fuckhead Who Doesn’t Like Sports Poised To Have Best Bracket Again

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3/20/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte March Madness is in the air and the competition on the court is matched only by the competition in the office and amongst groups of friends. Like any form of gambling, it mostly comes down to luck. While watching NCAA basketball all season can help while filling out your bracket, you’ll never beat that dicknose who who picks teams based on arbitrary stipulations. We all know him. He uses words like “sports ball” and ironically watches the Super Bowl every year just for the commercials and half time show. This ass-wipe  only enters the bracket pool…

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Oscar Nominees Who Didn’t Win Release Their Acceptance Speeches

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2/28/2017 Each year at the Oscars, America looks forward to hearing the nominees who win best actor/actress. Their speeches are so well written and delivered that they are both a reflection of their acting abilities as well as their personhood. Sometimes political, sometimes personal, oftentimes a perfect cross section of the two. Unfortunately for us, we don’t get to hear the speeches that were prepared by all of the nominees, just the winners…Until now! Ryan Gosling “There’s never a good way to objectively judge something as arbitrary as acting, but having said that, I’d like to say that Donald Trump…

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Fake News Media Concocted Fake News Story of 7 Fake New Planets

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2/26/2017 By: Jason Elewski 2017 has already proven to be a sobering time for the news-reading public. Earlier this year, President Trump kicked off his already successful term in office by triumphantly discrediting the media after rejecting any so-called empirical fact that reflected negatively upon him. The American people were able to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that they didn’t have to decipher the coded lies hidden in the pages of the newspaper, but could instead have their untainted truth spoon-fed to them directly from our Commander in Chief. The FAKE NEWS media is now on the run, which…

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Students and Employees Protest President’s Day, Go to School and Work Anyways

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2/20/2017 This President’s Day was unlike the holiday in past years in many ways. Most notably, the extremely low approval rating of the current president. President’s Day is a holiday where we not only remember presidents past, but honor our current president as well. Some workers and students who would normally enjoy the day off have decided to protest this year by going to work and school anyways. Marcia Tallbreath, a bank teller in Chicago, has been against Trump since he was nominated as the Republican candidate. “I was at the Women’s March and I will continue to protest this…

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