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Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

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By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows…

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Man Afraid Country Becoming Sharia Law Police State Content With Current Christian Law Police State

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By: Maximilian Stolte LAFAYETTE, LA—America and Europe’s white and Christian populations have become increasingly emboldened to physically and verbally attack Muslim minorities in their countries. A flyer passed around the UK titled “Punish A Muslim Day” may be the most blatant example of the intolerance toward people of the Muslim faith. One reason cited, and one that really resonates with local pipe fitter Bubba Thompson, is the fear that their country’s current Christian law police state will be replaced with a Sharia law police state. “We live in a country that makes laws based on the religion that I believe…

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Fucking Called It: Older Brother Right About Easter Bunny Too

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By: Maximilian Stolte ST. LOUIS, MO—Yesterday morning saw the end of an era for local 6-year-old Jay Schmidt, whose older brother’s assertion that the Easter bunny was a myth perpetrated by their lying parents was confirmed at the West County Mall. Jay was both shocked and dismayed to discover that, like Santa Clause, this lovable holiday character was just a ruse and that all of life is a cruel lie. Just months prior, Jay’s older brother Thomas broke news to Jay that Christmas was just consumerism masquerading as a religious holiday to get American’s to spend money on stuff they…

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Jesus Christ’s TOP TEN TUNEZ For The Coming Apocalypse

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  By: Ross Childs ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE, USA — For millions of people on Earth, the first Sunday of April marks Easter, the celebration of The Resurrection of one Jesus Harriet Christ. This year, however, humanity is in for an Easter like no other as Christ himself returns to fight the Antichrist and his billion-strong demon horde for the ultimate smackdown: The Biblical Apocalypse. In preparation for the ACTUAL war to end all wars (Suck it, World War One), Jesus “Ready Savior One” Christ has given us the gift of badass tuneage on two stone tablets with built-in speakers. Here…

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Early Cave Drawing Heroes

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LECHEROUS ADVICE By: Lech Czerwinski I’m a bit of a class clown, but it’s starting to hurt my grades. Is it worth it? -SmileyFaceEmoji So I was watching a documentary recently about the earliest known cave paintings found somewhere in France. As I sat in wonder about what kind of artists could have had the ability to paint such beautiful drawings that were showing the beginnings of animation, a question postulated in mi cabeza. Who/What/Where were the first jokesters of early man, and why weren’t we supporting this crazy bastard in murals?? A man or woman who could make others…

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Bags So Cute You Forget There’s A Gun In There!

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By: Kendall Klitzke Women’s hands are different from men’s hands. They are smaller and generally not as strong as a man’s unless of course you type more than 80 words a minute or give frequent hand jobs. While this certainly doesn’t mean that women can’t shoot a handgun just as proficiently as a man can, it does mean they may have a preference when it comes to types of handguns they carry and shoot, especially if the goal is to carry the firearm concealed! Carry your concealed firearm with style through Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Iowa, Idaho, Indiana,…

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Feminist Astronaut Designs First Non-Phallic Shuttle

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By: Mike Maxwell CAPE CENTRAL, FL–2018 is already a quarter over but the scientific strides are being made. Elon Musk and his SpaceX company were first to show a reusable orbital class rocket. As if funding his own innovative rocket launch wasn’t enough, he fastened one of his Tesla cars to the rocket. Space, is the final frontier of the proverbial pissing match. Enter Anna Pennington, the UK’s phenom astronaut and staunch feminist, who brought a game changing design to space exploration. “Every space shuttle launches the same way, lands the same way, and is designed the same way. The…

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Lindsey Vonn Fears Dancing With The Stars In Her Future

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By: Mike Maxwell Pyeongchang, South Korea – The world just witnessed the swan song of arguably one of the best skiers of all time, Lindsey Vonn. At the sad but true age of thirty three, her Olympic career is over. It’s a bittersweet time for the legend as she gave it all on the slopes experiencing championships, broken bones, and even a footnote relationship with Tiger Woods. Vonn currently stands with the highest Super Ranking of any skier and has confirmed her competitive skiing career is over. Now what? The road ahead for sports legends has a few paths to…

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Gateway Concert: Dave Matthews Band Could Lead Your Children To Dangerous Bands Like Phish

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By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—American rock band Dave Matthews Band, or as attendees of their seemingly benign concerts call them, “DMB”, is gearing up for their summer tour and once again unexpecting children will be exposed to the seeds of concert-going. On the surface, their concert events appear to allow fans to revisit nostalgic radio rock performed live by a wavering-voiced Dave Matthews. Below the surface and behind the clouds of one-hitter smoke lies something more sinister: a gateway to dangerous, life ruining jam bands like Phish or, heaven forbid, Dead and Company. Dave Matthews Band themselves aren’t entirely malevolent.…

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