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Levi’s Issues Recall On Acid-Soaked Jeans

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by M. Barry Frütz SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Suffering public backlash amid damaged legs ranging from blistering to burnt straight off, Levi’s issued a recall for what they thought were going to be a smash hit this summer. Their acid-soaked 501 jeans were expected to hit the festival scene with a bang, but were instead received with pain and misery. Early recipients of the pants were dismayed to find that the jeans took the concept of “acid wash” and cranked it to 11, causing them to pass out after the most excruciating 10 seconds of their lives. One wearer described the experience…

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BREAKING: Donald Trump Has A Pretty Regular Dick, Breaking Years Of Presidential Tradition

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By: Jack Hutsey WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing that President Donald Trump has a dick shaped like a mushroom, the nation is in a state of shock and rage. Never before in American history has the country been led by a man with a normal looking dick. “This is unprecedented and quite frankly, unprofessional and unbecoming of the office of the presidency,” Arthur Patrick Gable, official Presidential Penis Historian and Curator of the Commander-in-Chief Dick Museum and Education Center, said. It is the unspoken rule of the Presidency that the holder of the office must have a weird looking rod. Concave. Swirled.…

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President Clearly Never Seen A Single Episode Of VeggieTales

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By: Nicholas Scutti WASHINGTON, D.C.—At FaithCon, an interfaith convention in the nation’s capital, ministers, rabbis, and imams, among others, gathered to discuss President Donald Trump’s ethics and values, if he had any. After hours of debate, the members of the convention made a radical conclusion: that President Trump has clearly never seen a single episode of VeggieTales. “It makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said Cardinal Christopher Jones, Vice President of the convention. “VeggieTales teaches us how to love and care for one another. It’s a well known fact that former president Jimmy Carter only started…

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Person On Acid Mistakes Message From Higher Power For Mere Coincidence

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By: Ellis D. Trippington SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Late last night or early this morning, depending on how you view the social construct that is time, local hippie Doug Sherman was in the throes of an intense psychedelic experience under the influence of LSD. Amidst the barrage of visual distortions, he was bombarded with epiphanies about the world around him and the interconnectivity of all living things. His first inclination was that a higher power was reaching out and teaching him valuable life lessons, but these were all immediately written off as coincidences by Sherman. “All of the sudden I started noticing…

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Fraternity Hazing Includes Hanging Out With Desmond

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By: Jack Hutsey LAWRENCE, KS The freshman pledge class of the Pi Omicron Gamma Fraternity knew there would be hazing, but nothing could’ve prepared them for what they have experienced in the past six weeks. Other fraternities on campus are famous for their embarrassing stunts like streaking nude through the library and asking Ms. Crobbins, the octogenarian librarian who always says yes, out on a date. However, the brothers of P.O.G. had a hazing ace up their sleeve that nobody was ready for. “Cleaning, getting yelled at, wall-sits, beer runs, picking people up,” P.O.G. house president Devin “Truck Nutz” Pfeifferberg…

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Man Rides Out Frog In Throat To Improbable Karaoke Win

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By: Ben Gauwitz ELBURN, IL—In a heroic display of stamina and heart, Mark Springer, 37, won Eddie Gaedel Pub’s karaoke contest last Thursday. Springer, known around Gaedel’s as “Dinger,” is a tall man, humble in appearance with no real singing ability or talent. Despite that, he was able to overcome these obstacles and win the three round tournament among a sizable field of eight. Springer advanced through the first round with a zealous offering of Queen’s “Somebody to Love.” According to the host of the competition, everyone advanced to the second round. “Usually, we have a higher turnout, but the…

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Cute Talking Raccoon Only Talks About Libertarian Party

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By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Get ready to wet your pants with excitement! There’s a talking Raccoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo!  The animal, affectionately named “Zippo”, has been dishing out smiles and wonder to visitors every day since his arrival two weeks ago. People just can’t seem to get enough of his cute furry face, his cute fuzzy tale, and his cute endorsement of the Libertarian Party! Zippo has only been here less than a month, but he’s already become one of the most popular attractions at the Lincoln Park Zoo. “He’s so adorable,” says Abigail, age 10. “He loves…

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Report: 81% Of Handjobs Unenthusiastic

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By: Jack Hutsey Cleveland, OH—Bored while getting cranked off? Bored while cranking someone off? You’re not alone. Just ask Dr. Ava Messerthal of Cleveland’s Institute of Blasting Rope, Paddling the Pink Canoe, and All-Around Self-Care, the world’s foremost masturbation research center. “Chances are, if you’ve given or received a handy jay in the past six years, you’ve been very unsatisfied,” Messerthal said, disappointed. “It’s a real shame. This country’s sexual revolution was built on handstuff at drive-in movies. It’s like being bored with the Bill of Rights.” Of the 500 participants surveyed, 405 reported their most recent tugboating was lukewarm.…

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Youths On Mission Trip Help African Village, Forget To Plug Christ

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By: Maxmilian Stolte BOLGATANGA, GHANA— After helping to provide clean water and food to impoverished villagers and build a school, a youth group of Texas missionaries from St. Joseph’s Church in Bryan, TX made the unforgivable mistake of going on their way without mentioning Jesus whatsoever. While their efforts and cultural influence will not be forgotten by the locals, the salvation of Jesus Christ will not be enjoyed by those who reaped the rewards of good deeds in His holy name. Taylor Robbins, 17, said she didn’t realize the error until they were at the airport. “I felt a great…

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Ben T Wood Comedy Festival [VIDEO]

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Chicago’s premiere music festival, Ben T Wood Comedy Festival, has all of your favorite names in comedy and networking opportunities galore! Check out the vapotorium in the DSW parking lot or the world’s largest game of zip zap zop!

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