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Plenty of Phish Dating Site Is Making Waves

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Mar. 19, 2016 The online dating scene is becoming much more intuitive and Plenty of Phish is the ultimate testament to this. There is now a dating site for phans by phans; the new site has definitely made a splash in the lot scene. PoP matches users using a highly effective algorithm based on the things that matter most. Some sample questions are: Dip, dump, or boof? 1.0, 2.0, or 3.0? If we ran into Page after the show would you be down for a sad threesome? As one would imagine, the male to female ratio on the site is…

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Donald Trump Has Wall Built Around Him

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Mar. 6, 2016 GOP candidate Donald Trump may not be president…yet. That hasn’t kept him from enacting some of his proposed policies and plans a little early. This week he had a wall built around him to keep the rest of the country out. Trump is known for speaking his mind and not only talking the talk, but walking the walk. He’s created a utopia where the only citizen is the former best citizen of these United States: Donald Trump. Who can imagine a better place than one where there’s nothing but Donald J. Trump? He told press yesterday, “I’m…

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Progressive School Replaces “N” Word With “Black Guy” In Huck Finn

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Feb. 28, 2016 Mark Twain’s classic novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, is an important book in American history that challenged racism and the institution of slavery in the south. Unfortunately, the writer was quite the potty mouth and used the correct term for his time that is a big no-no today. That’s right, we’re talking about the “N” word. In Philadelphia this past December there was controversy surrounding the book once again. A school district banned the book from its curriculum and there was a big backlash from those who opposed the censorship. Now, in efforts to appease the…

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Suicide Bombers On Strike For Dental Care

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Feb. 16, 2016 With presidential elections coming up, the need to keep Americans in constant fear gets put on the back burner, thus ISIS has been relatively absent in the mainstream news. That doesn’t mean that the terrorists haven’t been up to anything radical. The suicide bombers of ISIS have unionized and are suspending self-exploding operations until they receive the benefits that they deserve. Suicide bomber Yusuf Al Bayati told reporters, “Our job is very dangerous. We take extreme risks for the good of our organization and we expect them to take care of us. I heard some people doing…

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7 Lonely Cats Whose Owners Found Valentine’s Dates This Year

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When your cat is used to spending every Valentine’s Day with you, finding a date for once in your depressing life can really put stress on your beloved feline friend.   7. Fluffers Meet Fluffers, he is used to spending February 14th with his owner Vanessa, watching her cry into a bowl of ice cream while watching Love Actually for the 20th time since Christmas. This year Vanessa left Fluffers for a date and he repaid her by scratching up her sofa. 6. Mimsy This little guy is in a bit of a slump this V-Day since his tradition of…

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2016: The Year Memes Picked The President

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Feb. 13, 2016 This year’s presidential election is shaping up to be one for the record books. As if the candidates alone weren’t unique and zany enough, the source of information about them has undergone a transformation as well. Memes are quickly coming to the forefront of political discourse. Those candidates whose supporters make the dankest memes will undoubtedly win the nomination. Donald Trump, the hairpiece that achieved sentience and now controls an orange billionaire’s body, currently has the poorest quality memes being produced. However, his voters have out-memed the rest of the GOP, making him the frontrunner at this…

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Sexual Fantasy Football Is A Controversial Hit

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Feb. 7, 2016 DraftKings CEO Jason Robins announced exciting news today, just in time for Super Bowl 50. The industry giants introduced their newest platform of fantasy football: Sexual Fantasy Football (SFF). This news comes after the success of their other fantasy football spin off “Off The Gridiron” (link below). New Fantasy Football Off The Gridiron Takes Nation By Storm In the new game, players can choose which of their favorite NFL athletes they would like to see engage in various sexual activities with each other. The interactive software generates realistic simulations of over 500 different sex acts! Game designer…

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6 Times Kanye West Was Actually Quoting The Dalai Lama

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You may not know it, but there’s a reason Kanye West seems so enlightened and deep when he makes statements in interviews and over social media. That’s because he’s been using quotes straight from the Dalai Lama when appropriate. Here are 6 quotes that most would attribute to Kanye, but were actually said by his holiness, the Dalai Lama. 6. Just hearing this quote read aloud screams Kanye, but that would be a hasty assumption. It was actually the Tibetan monk supreme.   5. Now this sounds like a Buddhist zen koan, or philosophical riddle, rather than a Kanye quote.…

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Hillary Adopts 20,000 Voting Age Refugees To Beat Bernie

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Feb. 2, 2016 Following in the footsteps of celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Madonna, Hillary Clinton has adopted an insane amount of “children” from overseas in hopes of counteracting the youth vote that Bernie Sanders is currently commanding and simultaneously infuriating Donald Trump. Clinton has given up on using slang terms and attempting to rebrand herself to millennials and has decided instead to adopt 20,000 refugees from Africa and Syria and register them to vote. By exchanging amenities like running water and luxuries like Chinese food delivery for a vote, Clinton has ensured that her newly adopted children will be…

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Cop Hopes Bump In Road Is Dog, Not Black Teen

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Ferguson, MO February 2, 2016 At approximately 2 p.m. Monday, Officer Jake Finnegan of the Ferguson Police Department was doing his job as usual. While driving around looking for civilians to harass for texting and driving and dicking around on his laptop at the same time, he hit a rather large bump in the road. At first he thought it was just a speed bump, but then he remembered there weren’t any speed bumps in that road. That’s when panic set in. “I thought to myself, please be a dog. Even a really big cat would be fine. Anything but an innocent…

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