By: Ross Childs
SEOUL, S KOREA — This is a historic moment. For the first time in more than half a century, the leaders of two warring nations, Kim Jong Un from North Korea, and Moon Jae-in from South Korea, finally sat down with each other to iron out a peace treaty with a focus on denuclearization. But when it seemed like neither nation wished to back down from certain demands of the other, it looked like negotiations would break down almost as soon as they began. However, the day was saved when Spunky, a Cocker Spaniel puppy owned by the daughter of a diplomat, ran into the negotiating room, frustration turned to joy as the two leaders squabbled over who should pet the cute little doggo first.
Spunky is a 3-month-old puppy belonging to Kiko Walsh, the daughter of Eric Walsh, the Canadian Ambassador to South Korea. Walsh brought his daughter, as well as his wife, Lucy because he wanted his entire family to witness this historic negotiation. However, as soon as Spunky saw the two iconoclastic leaders, he leapt from Kiko’s arms, sped past every reporter and guard present (all of whom were stunned by his cuteness), and jumped onto Kim Jong Un, instinctually suckling his nipples in a maternal fashion. Much to everyone’s surprise, the North Korean Dictator immediately capitulated and nuzzled the puppy.
“I was ready to walk away from the table all together,” Kim Jong Un said in a statement following the conference. “But as soon as I looked into the eyes of that little puppy, I realized that hatred and ego have done nothing but torn us all apart. Love and understanding is the only real international currency strong enough to unite all peoples. One heart. One Seoul.” Un went on to say that after Spunky snuggled into his lap, he was ready to personally disarm all 5 ½ nukes in North Korea’s arsenal by hand.
Moon Jae-in had a similar response. “I saw that dog and all thoughts about all the demands I wished to impose on my brothers and sisters to the north were immediately replaced by ‘Holy Ape Fuck, that is the most adorable thing I have ever fucking seen in the entirety of my life.’ I wanted to help create a world that Spunky would be proud to call home.” Kim Jong Un and Moon Jae In then turned to each other, grabbed their fountain pens, and said in perfect unison, “We do this for Spunky!” and simultaneously signed the peace treaty at 1:43 PM.
The day was a resounding success, despite Spunky pooping and peeing on the shoes of both leaders. In fact, many see the cute pupper shitting on both leaders’ shoes as a beautiful step forward. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy!?