Perfectly Innocent Man Says No To FBI Investigation

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By: Nick Scutti

Washington, D.C.—A perfectly innocent man, nominated for the position of Justice of the United States Supreme Court, has said no to allowing the FBI to investigate allegations that he has sexually assaulted multiple women.

The innocent man, who has insisted several times during a long hearing with members of the Senate that he is innocent, declined to give Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) an affirmative answer as to whether he would agree to an investigation that should be able to prove the innocence he claims to be bestowing.

“…if you… turned to … this committee and say for the sake of my reputation, my family name, and to get to the bottom of the truth of this, I am not going to be obstacle to an FBI investigation… we will have that investigation,” said Durbin, giving a great opportunity for the so called innocent man to prove his innocence.

“I welcome whatever the committee wants to do because I’m telling the truth,” replied the innocent man.

“I want to know what you want to do,” said Durbin.

“I’m telling the truth,” said the innocent man, perhaps pushing a little too hard on the whole “telling the truth thing, coming from such an innocent man.

“I want to know what you want to do, Judge.”

“I’m innocent. I’m innocent of this charge,” the innocent man continued to say without answering the question, innocently.

“You’re prepared for an FBI investigation?” asked Durbin.

“They don’t reach conclusions. You reach the conclusion, Senator,” the innocent man said, which was weird because reaching conclusions is exactly what the top criminal investigation force in the country does.

“No, but they do investigate questions.”

“I’m innocent,” the innocent man actually responded in real life.

The innocent man who was clearly telling the truth, continued to avoid answering the question regarding an FBI investigation, which is, I mean, maybe it’s just us, but a weird thing for an innocent man to do. This is especially odd for a man, who, if confirmed, will be one of nine of the most powerful judges in the nation.

In a related story, the innocent man’s friend connected to one of the sexual assault allegations, who also claims he’s an innocent man, has refused to testify in front of congress about the night in question. This obviously proves how innocent both of these men are.