By: Maximilian Stolte
BOSTON, MA—Yesterday the Red Sox played the Angels and Phish phans everywhere rejoiced as the band was in attendance to watch the team and perform their rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, or for newbs to the music scene, “The National Anthem”. The crowd was both perplexed and upset when the cover of this beloved song not only included heavy improvisation on guitar, a 3 minute drum solo, an a cappella section, and the use of a vacuum cleaner as an instrument, but also lasted 27 minutes.
Music and baseball fans alike agreed that the jam band overindulged quite a bit. Even the staunchest of blue lives matter supporters found themselves taking a knee if only to get some rest. Some in the crowd could be seen on the jumbo screen abandoning their hand over the heart stance in favor of a key bump behind their buddy’s shoulder. Whether attendees were businesspeople there to see the game and have a few beers with coworkers or wooks at their very first baseball game just trying to get a fix of their favorite band, everyone agreed that the Freebird teases were absolutely fucking sick.
As the song reached the lesser known second verse, everyone became a custy for those $12 beers and waters were sold at a whopping $8 a bottle. Abandoning all moral principles related to saving the planet, Phish phans found themselves drinking out of plastic bottles that would never be recycled and discarding used nitrous balloons all over the sidewalks from the stadium to several city blocks away. The only solace that could be found for eco-warrior dreadheads was that the earth would not be polluted with any latex as they raw-dogged on the changing tables in the family restrooms.
Finally, the song reached the last stanza and medical emergencies related to fishing out began to wind down. It seemed as if this baseball game would return to the regularly scheduled program. Little did everyone know that at the seventh inning stretch the band would return to play a 32 minute, face melting “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” that would go down in Phishtory as the bands crunchiest jam ever. Luckily for the uninitiated, the Sox were looking like they were going to win going into the seventh inning and a majority of them left to go home with their families.