“Please Don’t Judge My Book By Its Cover” Pleads Author Of ‘The Big Book of Infected Scabs’

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By: Jake Dierksheide

MT. PLEASANT, SC – “Please come back, this is my life’s work!” begged Marvin Chumley to a small group of horrified consumers shuffling past his table at the Mt. Pleasant Barnes and Nobles. Chumley spent all of Wednesday July 1st at the store for a signing event to promote his new book, a catalog of all of the ooziest scabs he had personally seen in his life. The book, which features the grotesque reopened wound of 78-year-old Edna Lambert on its face, has been drawing massive criticism from all manner of B&N shoppers for being super gross.

Chumley began working on the book 30 years ago after his business reselling teeth he collected from the dumpsters behind of orthodontic offices and outside of suburban homes went bankrupt. He spent 5 months in federal prison for stealing the people’s teeth from dumpsters behind of orthodontic offices and outside of suburban homes.

Since then, Chumley has been driving around North and South America collecting stories and photos of people who had trouble keeping their wounds clean. “I would have done the other continents too, but I’m scared of boats,” explained Chumley.

Chumley’s book signing had a disappointing day over the eight hours he spent in the atrium of the Barnes and Nobles, located in the east wing of the Lincoln River Mall. Only one person approached him for a book signing, who turned out to just be a process server delivering summons for a September court date, where Chumley will be tried for alleged grave robbery.

“People think they know my book before they even give it a chance,” Chumley bemoaned after the unsuccessful event, “it’s not just about the scabs, it’s about the human stories that the book cements.”

One of these human stories is of Kyle Martin, page 134 of the book. The page reads: “Wow! Big scab. I think he said it was from a bike! Ewie. He had nice teeth, though (not pictured).”

Chumley has been carefully curating and reflecting on the scabs for the past 30 years, and that he knows that once people take a chance on his book, his work will be as infectious as the graphically depicted scabs within its bindings.