Property Brothers Sacrifice 3 More Walls To Arpaxius, The God Of Open Concepts

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By: Jake Dierksheide

HUDSON VALLEY, NEW YORK – Jonathan Scott and Drew Scott, better known as HGTV’s Property Brothers, have ruthlessly slaughtered 3 more walls in the name of Arpaxius this week. This marks over 900 walls that the duo have managed to completely demolish for the god, who holds dominion over open concept home design.

The Brothers’ relationship with Arpaxius goes back to their very beginning when their mother gave birth to a boy named Scott in an overly compartmentalized 1200 sq. ft. apartment. The god was furious with the lack of sightlines and poor distribution of natural lighting and cursed the child by splitting its soul in two, creating the identical twins Jonathan Scott and Drew Scott. According to legend the only way for them to become one again is to satisfy Arpaxius’ ravenous appetite for good room flow.

Jonathan and Drew have made this quest their life’s work, and have utilized their good looks and natural charisma to land their show on HGTV, which serves as a platform for their holy war against walls. Drew’s keen eyes are able to spot a home with a busy floor plan from half a cozy seaside residential neighborhood away, while Jonathan’s strong hands make short work of the drywall and wood framing that ignites Arpaxius’ rage.

The success of this week was a big win that was not lost on The Property Brothers. “The Great One is going to be very pleased with us today,” the Brothers recited in unblinking unison, “our victory against this 3-bedroom ranch-style home brings us ever closer to our Day of Unity Through The True Belief.” After this comment to our field reporter, the two stood unmoving for over 45 minutes. She briefly left them to her van to retrieve another battery for her recorder, but returned to find they were completely missing, with only a single tile of a stylish kitchen backsplash remaining where they had stood moments before.