Real Men Love Jesus, This Is Jesus

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By: Devin Nevers

There are countless ways to discern what makes a guy a real man. Metrics like bench pressing, muskiness, and ball size are some of the easiest ways to separate the authentic from the fraudulent. But even if a guy with gigantic testicles comes strutting into your home gym and pulls  200 pounds of resistance weight on your Bowflex, it’s still quite possible that he isn’t a REAL man. The only way to tell if a dude is the real deal for sure is if he loves Jesus.

It’s just a fact, real men love Jesus. They’re just drawn to him. Maybe it’s his soft 100% cotton shirt. Or perhaps it’s his welcoming, yet effortless smile. Whatever the cause, true masculinity cannot help but glow in the presence of Jesus.

Talk about undying love!

Jesus exploded onto the scene back in 1987 when real men were at an all time low. Living in Miami at the time, he would hop from club to club where men would witness his inescapable mystique. Having remembered falling in love with Jesus at the time, one man described him as  “smell[ing] like cinnamon, clove, and childhood.” Others who witnessed Jesus in his early days recall the way he would take to the dance floor with no agenda, saying that he would carelessly shake his hips back and forth as if he were twirling a fake hula hoop in a manner that was utterly hypnotic.

I don’t know about you, but this Jesus guy sounds pretty great!

So if you see a guy outside, mowing Jesus’s lawn in the summer heat, sweat glistening off his back all for the sake of the J-Man, you won’t even have to follow him to Planet Fitness to see how much he benches, because you can bet your ass that you’re looking at red-blooded, giant-balled MAN.