School Shootings Hit Record Low This Summer Despite Unchanged Gun Laws

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By: Harold Castle

Washington D.C.—Amidst demonstrations from students demanding gun reform and an unwavering NRA funded GOP, the number of incidents involving guns in schools has dropped to almost zero this summer. While it’s too early to know exactly why this phenomena is happening, some lawmakers on Capitol Hill have a hunch it’s no coincidence.

Arizona Senator John McCain attributes the decline to the rising temperatures. “When it’s nice outside everyone is happy. There’s no wonder we aren’t seeing mass shootings in schools this summer. I’m not saying climate change is real, but if it were would it be that bad?” The veteran and former prisoner of war expressed that if anyone knows about guns and why people do or don’t use them, it’s him.

Researchers are saying that this trend, albeit positive, likely won’t last. According to a 3 year study, school shootings miraculously cease almost completely every summer and pick back up in the early fall. While there’s no evidence as to the cause of this effect, that’s not keeping elected officials from taking credit.

Roy Blunt, Republican Senator from Missouri, stated to the press this week that the reason for the incredibly low number of shootings is due completely to the policy of upholding the second amendment and doing absolutely nothing. “It’s just like when you break your ribs. It hurts and it’s terrible, but there’s nothing you can do. You just wait and rest and eventually everything is fine.”

While everyone is happy about the outcome, some gun reform proponents just can’t seem to move on and accept that this dark chapter of American history has closed for the summer and possibly forever. Activist David Hogg took to Twitter saying, “Why is everyone so dumb that they don’t realize the reason there aren’t any shootings is there aren’t any students?” His comment quickly turned to controversy as the less academically inclined summer school students ripped him a new one for bullying them.