By: Nicholas Anthony Scutti
If you’re pro-life, get those tissues out and ready. It was announced a few hours ago that a three month old fetus, the one who would’ve been Subway’s two-billionth customer, was aborted, never to develop to full term to know what a Subway sandwich would taste like.
The fetus, who would’ve been named Tommy (or Sandra if it was a girl), was destined from the beginning of time to be crowned as Subway’s two billionth customer while ordering a Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt in 2047. But thanks to a seven-to-two majority from the godless Supreme Court back in 1973, Tommy will never know of such an honor.
“Tommy (or Sandra) will never know what it’s like to make your own sandwich,” said Subway CEO Suzanne Greco. “How he could choose from over ten types of meat, from pepperoni to roast beef. How he could’ve added whatever veggies and condiments he pleased, with a refreshing Coca-Cola and a chocolate chip cookie on the side.”
“Alas,” lamented Greco, “he is now as chopped and mixed as our tuna, fresh from the sea every day.”
“This is why we do what we do,” said Judie Brown, president and cofounder of American Life League. “God says he knows our plans since before we’re in the womb. So to break the will of God by preventing little Tommy from winning a hundred dollar gift card to Subway, or from wearing a crown made out of Italian herbs and cheese bread…well, it’s equivalent to genocide, but for future babies.”
Wow. Tommy’s teenaged mother, who only got the abortion so she could go to school to become the doctor who cures blindness in 2032, should be jailed for such a crime!
“Oh, not only that, but she should be killed for killing another life,” continued Brown. “But her real trouble lies in Hell, where she’ll be roasted, much like the oven roasted turkey from Subway, yet another sandwich Tommy will never be able to eat. Instead, he is splattered, like sauce from a Meatball Marinara.”
Fortunately, Subway will not let the annihilation of a future contest winner deter them from honoring Tommy.
“To honor the memory of what would’ve been Tommy’s life,” said Greco in a statement from Subway, “we here at Subway have a special offer: two dollar two-inch subs, in memory of the size of Tommy before he was sucked up from her mother’s womb like a dust bunny.”
While it’s nice to have such an amazing deal for sandwiches, it won’t take away the pain in our hearts for a society that cares more about women’s autonomy and choice than cells that may or may not become a person.
At press time in Vatican City, His Holiness Pope Francis I has dedicated all church services to be in honor of Tommy, where thousands are expected to lay numerous Subway sandwiches in makeshift memorials across the world. “This is just an example of how the church cares about the important issues,” said Cardinal Christopher Vespucci, “rather than frivolous things, like uncovering decades of sexual abuse from priests.”