STUDY: Those Eight Spiders You Swallow In Your Sleep Can Lay Eggs

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By: Zack Peercy

(Burlington, VT) – Despite recent widespread acceptance of the fact that the average human swallows eight spiders in a lifetime, a new study from the University of Vermont is here to say that those eight spiders we all swallow can lay eggs. In fact, they probably already have.

The study, conducted by UVM’s Biology department’s Masters candidates, provides key symptoms for anyone to self-diagnose that they definitely have live spiders actively laying eggs that will hatch inside their stomachs.

Seven Key Symptoms:

  1. Waking Up With Scratchy Throat
    A sore or scratchy throat in the morning is a clear sign that a spider or two was racing down your esophagus in an effort to beat the clock on an eruption of dozens of eggs for your nice warm insides.

  2. Cavities
    4 out of 5 dentists agree that cavities are a direct cause of poor tooth care, but that fifth dentist knows the truth is those spiders you swallow are burrowing into your teeth to steal calcium for their soon-to-be-hatched babies.

  3. Cracking Joints
    If you ever bend or stretch and hear a crack in your joints, that’s 100% an egg hatching sound. The average human, who only swallows about eight spiders, only hears this crack occasionally. But, if you hear your joints crack often, or you can make certain joints crack on command, you have a build up of spider eggs in your body. They’re hatching. Exploring. Feeding on your blood.

  4. Itching
    If any part of your body has ever gotten a random itch, those are the spiders that live inside of you. They’re moving veins around to make clear paths to the surface. They’re ripping through your innermost layers of skin while you scratch away the outermost. They can almost see daylight.

  5. Spots in Vision After Staring at Bright Light
    If you ever look at the sun, or a flashlight, or another bright light source, you may notice a spot or squiggle in your line of sight that drifts to the periphery. That’s just one of the many baby spiders on the inside of your eyeball.
  6. Eye Crusties
    If you have little crusties in the corner of your eyes when you wake up, that’s the shedded skin of the spiders. They’re growing. By this stage, they can crawl out of any orifice without you noticing. But they want to grow big enough so you notice them leaving.

  7. Growling Stomach
    That’s not your stomach.

The Vermont team goes on to explain that is perfectly natural and something that humans have always dealt with without even realizing. It is best to just accept the inevitable. That’s life, after all.