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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face… … Keep Reading

Fucking Called It: Older Brother Right About Easter Bunny Too

By: Maximilian Stolte ST. LOUIS, MO—Yesterday morning saw the end of an era for local 6-year-old Jay Schmidt, whose older brother’s assertion that the Easter bunny was a myth perpetrated by their lying parents was confirmed at the West County Mall. Jay was both shocked and dismayed to discover that, like Santa Clause, this lovable holiday character was just a ruse and that all of life is a cruel lie. Just months prior, Jay’s older brother Thomas broke news to Jay that Christmas was just consumerism masquerading as a religious holiday to get American’s to spend money on stuff they… … Keep Reading

Santa Forgets All Non-Christian Households Again

By: Jake Dierksheide SANTA’S COTTAGE, NORTH POLE  – “Aw no, aw geez, I KNEW Asia and Africa went way too quickly!” Kris Kringle exclaimed as he pulled his reindeer into their stable. Upon returning from a long Christmas Eve of delivering presents around the world, the man affectionately referred to as ‘Santa’ was mortified to find that his bag of toys was almost entirely full of undelivered gifts addressed to children of non-Christians. This marks the 244th Christmas in a row that this exact same mistake has been made. Ramesh Romperla, a Hindu resident of Hyderabad India, laments this fact… … Keep Reading

6 Family Members That Aren’t Worth The Price Of A Plane Ticket Home

By: Jennifer Allman 1. The Drunkles, all of them. You don’t even know what Uncle Steve sounds like sober. No holiday is complete without his definitive “Hi-ho Silver!” before he slaps the rear-end of whoever is closest to him. Actually wait, yes–every holiday can do without this offense. 2. Your Mom when she asks “When are you giving me some god-damned Grandbabies?” She birthed you, clothed you, fed you, and put up with you insisting to cut your own hair from ages 10-20. Of course you should make an effort to visit this woman for the holidays. But if she mentions… … Keep Reading

War on Christmas Rages, Draft Reinstated

By: Jennifer Allman Arlington, VA There’s a new lottery in town. Gather around your iPads, download the Fox News app, and cross your little liberal fingers that you’ve been spared. The Trump administration has reinstated the draft to defend this God-fearing, beautiful country in The War on Christmas. If you are between the ages of 18-25 you have been registered with a biblical book, chapter, and verse. Tune into Fox News everynight at 7pm EST. If your Bible Verse is called, you’re being shipped off to serve, kiddo. You’ll have to pack up your red hat, your green shoes, and… … Keep Reading

Work Holiday Party To Be Filled With Equal Parts Fun And Regret

By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—The law firm Abrahamson, Vorachek & Levinson is gearing up for its annual holiday party and, if last year is any indicator, its shaping up to be an absolute shit show. While attendees of last year’s party will agree that the party was incredibly fun for the employees and included free drinks, the shame and regret that came the next business day were equal enough to cancel out any joy experienced. Attorney Martin Pratt recapped his memory of last year’s party stating, “It was a bit fuzzy the next morning, but when I woke up to… … Keep Reading

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