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donald trump

Donald Trump Just Asked The Entire U.S. Olympic Team To Come Back Home So That He Could Have His Own Opening Ceremony In Washington

By: Jason Elewski WASHINGTON DC—With the launch of 1,218 Shooting Star drones and Yuna Kim lighting the torch, the 2018 Winter Olympics began, uniting the world to bear witness to the majesty and beauty that people can create when they want to make one hell of a parade. Everyone watching the opening ceremony was undoubtedly impressed by the spectacle, but one viewer was left nearly speechless: Donald Trump. Having seen the ceremony on his bedroom television over a bucket of extra crispy KFC, Trump reportedly shook his index finger at the screen, screaming “whoa neato”, before picking up his phone,… … Keep Reading

Donald Trump

Trump Pardons Whitest Turkey With Longest List Of Sexual Harassment Allegations And Civil Rights Violations

By: Maximilian Stolte Just as each president before him did, Donald Trump continued the tradition of granting a pardon to one turkey for this Thanksgiving holiday. In keeping with Donald Trump’s new pardoning tradition, the turkey pardoned was none other than George Wallace III. Beyond being the whitest turkey the president could find, this turkey also has a troubling past.   Recent allegations against this turkey for sexual harassment and assault number in the twenties. Many of the female turkeys either wished to remain anonymous or were murdered for Thanksgiving dinner (and to quiet them). “He was always commenting on… … Keep Reading

Why The Government Doesn’t Want You To Look Directly At The Solar Eclipse

8/20/2017 By: Brody Lefevre Since the dawn of man eclipses have had a profound impact on civilization. The celestial phenomenon has led to major scientific breakthroughs and influenced cultural change. Considering the political turmoil and shifting social dynamics of our current society, the upcoming solar eclipse could very well be the catalyst for a revolution. This possibility is such a cause for concern for our government that they have produced glasses and launched a fear campaign to keep us from staring at the eclipse and achieving spiritual enlightenment and evolving to the next plane of human intellect. Ancient cultures believed… … Keep Reading

Finally! Donald Trump Released His Third Grade Diary

8/3/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte President Donald Trump has been under fire since even before he was elected for not releasing his tax returns. He has received flack for demanding Obama release his birth certificate and Hillary release her emails and simultaneously refusing to release his own personal documents under question. It seems today that he has attempted to make amends of his hypocrisy by releasing his third grade diary. Below are some entries from a third grade Donald Trump that provide some insight into the commander-in-chief’s past and present behavior. “Dear Dairy, Today at lunch I got picked on again.… … Keep Reading

Please Don’t Trust This Photo Of Donald Trump Eating An Entire Ferret

7/20/2017 By: Jason Elewski UNITED STATES—With the nation’s fingers pointed at the news in recent months, we here at Word Brothel feel a sense of patriotic obligation to point a few fingers at ourselves. Journalism is under attack and this time it appears to be for good reason. Some scurrilous intern of ours, who has since been fired, doctored and posted the photo above. The photo depicts President Trump uncharacteristically eating a live ferret. There is no record of this ever happening. Bearing the shame and regret for our employee’s actions, we have made it our journalistic mission to debunk… … Keep Reading

Trump’s Phone Kept on a High Shelf During James Comey’s Testimony

6/8/2017 By: Jason Elewski If anyone was eager to hear President Trump weigh in on today’s testimony of former FBI Director James Comey, they were met with a great deal of disappointment. Prior to giving a speech in Cincinnati, Ohio earlier today, Donald Trump’s famous Android phone was set atop a shelf that was just barely out of the president’s grasp, impeding his ability to rub out any tweets about Comey or his televised testimony. The phone was placed upon the highest shelf in the White House by a particularly tall secret service agent at the behest of Trump’s entire… … Keep Reading

Top 10 Reality Celebs Better Suited for Presidency Than Donald Trump

3/28/2017 By: Ben Gauwitz Could being a reality TV star be the new prerequisite for the top office of the world’s most powerful nation? We can only hope. Here is a list of the top 10 celebrities who would be better leaders for our country than President Donald J. Trump. And remember, this is the just the top 10, there are at least a hundred reality “stars” who are more equipped to lead the free world than our current flavor of the week.   10. Ru Paul (Ru Paul’s Drag Race) White House? More like red carpets and technicolor dreamcoats!… … Keep Reading

Oscar Nominees Who Didn’t Win Release Their Acceptance Speeches

2/28/2017 Each year at the Oscars, America looks forward to hearing the nominees who win best actor/actress. Their speeches are so well written and delivered that they are both a reflection of their acting abilities as well as their personhood. Sometimes political, sometimes personal, oftentimes a perfect cross section of the two. Unfortunately for us, we don’t get to hear the speeches that were prepared by all of the nominees, just the winners…Until now! Ryan Gosling “There’s never a good way to objectively judge something as arbitrary as acting, but having said that, I’d like to say that Donald Trump… … Keep Reading

Fake News Media Concocted Fake News Story of 7 Fake New Planets

2/26/2017 By: Jason Elewski 2017 has already proven to be a sobering time for the news-reading public. Earlier this year, President Trump kicked off his already successful term in office by triumphantly discrediting the media after rejecting any so-called empirical fact that reflected negatively upon him. The American people were able to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that they didn’t have to decipher the coded lies hidden in the pages of the newspaper, but could instead have their untainted truth spoon-fed to them directly from our Commander in Chief. The FAKE NEWS media is now on the run, which… … Keep Reading

Time Traveler Came Back To 2016 To Warn: “Stop Calling This The Worst Year Ever”

12/29/2016 By Maximilian Stolte Meet Drongificent Blar, or as his friends of the future affectionately call him “D-Blar”, “Drong”, or “Gificent”. Drongificent is an American citizen from the year 2060 and he has come back with a dire message for Americans in 2016: stop calling this year the worst year ever. Mr. Blar explained, “In the future, we all look back at the historic documents [tweets, blogs, and Facebook posts] and you look really stupid saying each year is the worst year ever. Here’s the thing, this was actually a great year in retrospect because each following year gets exponentially… … Keep Reading

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