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School Shootings Hit Record Low This Summer Despite Unchanged Gun Laws

By: Harold Castle Washington D.C.—Amidst demonstrations from students demanding gun reform and an unwavering NRA funded GOP, the number of incidents involving guns in schools has dropped to almost zero this summer. While it’s too early to know exactly why this phenomena is happening, some lawmakers on Capitol Hill have a hunch it’s no coincidence. Arizona Senator John McCain attributes the decline to the rising temperatures. “When it’s nice outside everyone is happy. There’s no wonder we aren’t seeing mass shootings in schools this summer. I’m not saying climate change is real, but if it were would it be that… … Keep Reading

Bags So Cute You Forget There’s A Gun In There!

By: Kendall Klitzke Women’s hands are different from men’s hands. They are smaller and generally not as strong as a man’s unless of course you type more than 80 words a minute or give frequent hand jobs. While this certainly doesn’t mean that women can’t shoot a handgun just as proficiently as a man can, it does mean they may have a preference when it comes to types of handguns they carry and shoot, especially if the goal is to carry the firearm concealed! Carry your concealed firearm with style through Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Iowa, Idaho, Indiana,… … Keep Reading

Too Cool For School: This Kid Was Ditching Class Long Before Students Were Protesting Gun Violence

By: Maximilian Stolte MIAMI, FL—Students across America have been walking out of class and demonstrating their first amendment right to protest. With elected government officials engaging in a dialogue with some of these students, it seems that these children may actually have an impact on an otherwise stagnant debate on gun laws. This is all great news for students, except Todd Porter, who has been walking out of school for way longer and has received no national attention. “I just hate school. It’s dumb as hell and if I don’t feel like being there that day I just leave,” an… … Keep Reading

Build-A-Bear Workshop Raises Age Limits On Grenade-Stuffed Bears

by Jason Elewski ST. LOUIS, MO—Starting today, Build-A-Bear workshops across the country will no longer sell their popular Boom Boom Bears to children under the age of 11. The decision comes  after other chains like Dick’s, Walmart, and Kroger have begun to restrict the sale of weapons to younger buyers, while TJ Maxx and TJX companies have discontinued sales of rocket launchers altogether. CEOs acted quick to make policy changes following the shooting at Columbine High School in 1999. The fully customizable bears will still include t-shirts, hats, scarves, shoes, pants, monkey hair, listening devices, razor blades, and real blood… … Keep Reading

Demand Drives Early Release of “Pre Half-Mast Flag Poles”

By: Madeleine Russell Chicago, IL -Americans had barely begun to consider raising their flags to full mast after the October 1st Las Vegas shooting when they were again taken with obligatory sympathy brought on by the most recent mass shooting in a Florida School this week. In our current gun soaked, background check absent and tragedy ridden American culture, one can barely drive through a rural area or affluent neighborhood without seeing that tell tale sign of National mourning: the half mast flag. American flag pole manufacturers have read the writing on the wall, if not the room. This week… … Keep Reading

God Answers Thoughts And Prayers, Takes Away Everyone’s Guns

By: Maximilian Stolte HEAVEN—After the nation’s most recent school shooting, our heavenly father was flooded with prayers and the minds of everyone in America were clouded with thoughts on the tragedy. God, who has been busy the past 200 or so years with a passion project of his own, checked back in on Earth and was disgusted to find out about slavery, the Holocaust, and most recently children shooting each other in schools and most of the country not caring enough to do anything. “I leave for what I thought would just be a little vacation and when I come… … Keep Reading

GTA 5: A Utopian Society Where Nobody Questions Second Amendment Until You Point Your Gun At Them And Start Mass Shooting People

By: Maximilian Stolte Leave it to the creative minds at Rockstar Games to perfectly encapsulate what a truly free society looks like. Not bogged down by liberal agenda and restrictions of liberty (hence where the fictional Liberty City derives its name), this game grants players a glimpse into what a utopian society looks like: a society where you can walk around wielding military-grade weaponry and nobody bats an eye until you start shooting people en masse. The sensation players feel when utilizing the second amendment right is exhilarating and no doubt what keeps millions playing again and again. Although only… … Keep Reading

Planes Don’t Fly People, People Fly People

  10/3/2017 By: Jason Elewski There’s a false narrative spreading around our country about airplanes. With about 87,000 flights occurring in the US every day, there are some critics who say that travel wouldn’t be so easy without planes. Too often do I hear passersby say things like, “There’s no way you could transport 137 people across the country in mere hours without a plane” and “Those things were designed for one thing only and that was to fly people and they fly people everywhere.” Um, excuse me, what about helicopters? Yeah, you don’t have to tell me that the… … Keep Reading

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