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holiday

Eight Ways To Spell Hanukkah To Keep Gentiles On Their Toes

By: Zack Peercy It’s that magical time of year again! The eight day holiday when goyim and shiksas litter our social media with poorly spelled seasons greetings. It can be a real test of the Jewish faith. Is the correct spelling of a holiday really so much to ask? This year, let’s have some fun. Here are eight ways to spell Hanukkah to confuse your non-Jewish friends. Monica: “The One With The Celebration of Lights.” Convince your Christmas-loving cohorts that it’s actually spelled “Monica” after Courtney Cox’s character from Friends. She was only half-Jewish on the show, but she was… … Keep Reading

Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face… … Keep Reading

Roseanne Barr To Reprise Racist ‘Character’ At Thanksgivings This Week

By: Andy Frye The once-embattled 1980s comedienne Roseanne Barr is about to make a name for herself again. Hoping to capitalize on America’s rising family drama trends, and the very popular “Trump supporter relative” stock role at Thanksgiving last year, Barr has decided to embark on a nationwide tour this week to bring her controversial brand of humor directly to your family’s dinner table. Barr announced the tour this week, stating publicly, “C U at dinner, bitches!” while calling herself “Aunt Ambien” and “Tofurky liberals’ worst nightmare” via her Twitter account. Ms. Barr’s agent, Anson Heedler, says that former star… … Keep Reading

Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying… … Keep Reading

International Women’s Day Moved To Tomorrow Cuz Ain’t NO Man Gonna Fucking Tell Me When To Celebrate

By: Kitty GaLore LONG ISLAND, NY- That’s right, b!tche$!!! Gear up for tomorrow, March 9, to honor your sisters because we are TAKING OUR DAY BACK. We for sure as hell are not going to let the patriarchy tell us when our day is. So put your pu$$y hat back in your coat pocket and wear it loud and proud TOMORROW (not today). We only get one day in a calendar year to celebrate ourselves and our achievements on a global scale, so we’re gonna choose when it is. And it’s tomorrow. We choose tomorrow. Because honestly, it’s kind of more… … Keep Reading

6 Family Members That Aren’t Worth The Price Of A Plane Ticket Home

By: Jennifer Allman 1. The Drunkles, all of them. You don’t even know what Uncle Steve sounds like sober. No holiday is complete without his definitive “Hi-ho Silver!” before he slaps the rear-end of whoever is closest to him. Actually wait, yes–every holiday can do without this offense. 2. Your Mom when she asks “When are you giving me some god-damned Grandbabies?” She birthed you, clothed you, fed you, and put up with you insisting to cut your own hair from ages 10-20. Of course you should make an effort to visit this woman for the holidays. But if she mentions… … Keep Reading

Work Holiday Party To Be Filled With Equal Parts Fun And Regret

By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—The law firm Abrahamson, Vorachek & Levinson is gearing up for its annual holiday party and, if last year is any indicator, its shaping up to be an absolute shit show. While attendees of last year’s party will agree that the party was incredibly fun for the employees and included free drinks, the shame and regret that came the next business day were equal enough to cancel out any joy experienced. Attorney Martin Pratt recapped his memory of last year’s party stating, “It was a bit fuzzy the next morning, but when I woke up to… … Keep Reading

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