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holidays

Man Calculates How Much He’ll Need To Drink To Get Full Value Out Of New Year’s Eve Cover Charge

By: Jason Elewski CHICAGO—Starting the new year on the right foot is nearly as important as determining the right New Year’s resolution. Kick off NYE with one poor decision and you might be looking at whole 365 days of shit. Known partygoer, Carl Loftus, knew this all too well when he agreed to join his friends for a New Year’s Eve event at a local cocktail bar with an $80 cover charge. Having spent the most of 2017 making frivolous purchases, Loftus was determined not to begin 2018 by falling into his old habits. During the course of the past… … Keep Reading

Santa Forgets All Non-Christian Households Again

By: Jake Dierksheide SANTA’S COTTAGE, NORTH POLE  – “Aw no, aw geez, I KNEW Asia and Africa went way too quickly!” Kris Kringle exclaimed as he pulled his reindeer into their stable. Upon returning from a long Christmas Eve of delivering presents around the world, the man affectionately referred to as ‘Santa’ was mortified to find that his bag of toys was almost entirely full of undelivered gifts addressed to children of non-Christians. This marks the 244th Christmas in a row that this exact same mistake has been made. Ramesh Romperla, a Hindu resident of Hyderabad India, laments this fact… … Keep Reading

Work Holiday Party To Be Filled With Equal Parts Fun And Regret

By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—The law firm Abrahamson, Vorachek & Levinson is gearing up for its annual holiday party and, if last year is any indicator, its shaping up to be an absolute shit show. While attendees of last year’s party will agree that the party was incredibly fun for the employees and included free drinks, the shame and regret that came the next business day were equal enough to cancel out any joy experienced. Attorney Martin Pratt recapped his memory of last year’s party stating, “It was a bit fuzzy the next morning, but when I woke up to… … Keep Reading

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