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Hot Singles In Your Area Cease Ineffective Ad Campaign

By: Zack Peercy YOUR AREA, USA—You’ve seen it in the top right corner of your browser while you watch “Step Sis Catches You Watching Porn”. It’s popped up after you’ve skipped around “Gaping Anal Compilation”. You may have even noticed it in your youth while playing “Sailor Moon Dress Up Flash Game” on Newgrounds.com. It’s the Hot Singles In Your Area ad campaign, and soon you won’t be able to see it pop up ever again. It’s a sad day for the internet, but even more sad for real local singles who wanted nothing more than to meet you and… … Keep Reading

Weatherman Really Teasing Fuck Out Of Weekend Forecast

By: Jack Ritchey ST. LOUIS, MO—It looks like it could be gorgeous outside this weekend. Or it might rain. Or it might fucking thundersnow. At this point only one person knows, and he’s clearly masturbating to the fact that he’s not telling us anytime soon. Twelve minutes into KSDK News Channel 5’s evening broadcast, just after the grizzly details of a double murder at a liquor store and an update on that toddler missing since September, local weatherman Craig Moller made a brief and obnoxious appearance to really tease the fuck out of that weekend forecast. “He started off joking… … Keep Reading

Area Man Finally High Enough To Face Terrible World

By: Maximilian Stolte DENVER, CO—At the crack of noon today, Denver local Brett Markham woke up filled with dread about leaving his apartment to face the terrible things the day had in store for him. At roughly 12:25PM he had finished loading his bong bowl and took his first rip. The mellowing effect of the nugs, which were reportedly of the dankest quality, was a step in the right direction for Markham’s day. After eating an Eggo waffle drenched in maple syrup and a cherry Pop-Tart, he set right to packing up his second bowl of highly potent sativa. The body high and… … Keep Reading

Guy Who Always Wears Hat Seen Not Wearing Hat

By: Steve Plock Chicago, IL – Workers at the TimeLock Call Center in Lincoln Park were shocked Monday morning. Long-time employee, Brent Youling, showed up at the office not wearing his signature Cubs baseball hat on his head, causing many employees to mistake him for a new hire or a stranger who had mistakenly wandered into the wrong office. According to Greg Thompson, one of Youling’s cluster-mates, “He’s just one of those guys that you never see not wearing a hat, you know. I couldn’t help but think something was terribly wrong. My mind went to the worst places.” Speculation… … Keep Reading

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